


Once Lost, Now Found

by carolinablu85



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: AU, Angst, Banter, Blind!Noah, Cheating, Cuddling and Snuggling, Family Drama, Friendship/Love, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, What if?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-04
Updated: 2012-02-04
Packaged: 2017-10-30 14:39:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 40,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/332843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carolinablu85/pseuds/carolinablu85
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the prompt: <i>What if Noah had arrived in Oakdale much later in the show's story? Like, after Luke was already with someone else?</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the 2011 Nuke BigBang on LJ. Also, big huge note to L/R shippers- this story isn't directed as any offense towards that ship, but this is a Nuke-centered story, through and through! Just wanted to give you warning in case you don't want to read it!

At some point he really should learn the names of the people who worked at Java.    
  
Luke smirked at himself as he finished off his second latte. He’d been coming here since high school, for no reason other than the good, only-slightly-overpriced coffee. And it was always the same people. Part of him actually felt guilty that he didn’t know their names.   
  
_Who cares what their names are? They’re doing their job, you’re doing yours, and your job isn’t to be their friend,_  he heard a voice say. His father’s or his boyfriend’s? He wasn’t totally sure. He shook his head a little, turned back to his latte and his notes.    
  
He had to go over these proposals for the new hospital wing by... last week, actually. But Dr. Hughes hadn’t stopped by or called Luke to remind him yet, so he figured it was okay to be late. Besides, Luke was pretty much the boss, wasn’t he?   
  
He sighed. No. He wasn’t the boss. His  _money_  was the boss. It wasn’t him driving this project, it was his funding.    
  
It wasn’t his passion.   
  
He almost sighed again. That was still a statement he had yet to say out loud, mostly out of fear. He was scared of admitting to the world that he was-   
  
No. No. This was silly. Luke was an adult, not some naïve kid. Just because he felt a little lost right now, well, that was normal. Right? So what, he wasn’t excited about his job. So sometimes it felt like his life was ruled by family drama, bank accounts, and making sure Reid was happy with his job and not getting fired or punched on a given day.    
  
So what if the baristas behind the counter at Java looked more excited about their day than he did.   
  
_You’re not happy? Do something about it._  No need to figure out whose voice that was. It seemed like whenever he got introspective these days, his brain was able to conjure the perfect Holden-Snyder-lecture tone to nag him.    
  
_It’s not that easy,_  he grumbled back, the same argument he always gave, to both his brain and his dad. It wasn’t that easy. Nothing was. Ever. Holden wanted Luke to be that kid he used to be, the one who believed everything was possible and fought every fight and pursued every silly dream he had.   
  
But then, there were probably a lot of things Holden wanted for Luke that just weren’t going to happen.   
  
“Dude! You have your emo face on.”   
  
He looked up with something that was half-sheepish grin, half-glare. “Shut up.”   
  
Casey plopped down into the seat across from him, completely unrepentant. “Uh-oh, what happened now? Did one of your six trust funds dry up? You lost out on the Nobel Peace Prize? All the hair care products in the world suddenly disappear?”   
  
“God, why are we friends?” Luke asked with a whine, sliding over the mug of coffee he’d already ordered for Casey.   
  
“Because I’m your link to the mean streets of Oakdale you used to play in,” Casey didn’t miss a beat, even between gulps of the dark, sugar-free drink. “The masses. The little people. The common man. The salt of the-”   
  
“Casey,” he whined again.   
  
Casey grinned, no apology in his eyes. “Sorry.” He pulled out one of his text books and flipped it open to a marked spot. “So how’s it going in White Collar World today?”   
  
Luke shrugged. “Same as always, of course. My eyes are glazing over just thinking about it. How’s class?”   
  
Casey regarded him overly-serious. “Did you know there’s more to being a lawyer than just saying ‘I object!’ all the time?” At Luke’s eye-rolling, he nodded emphatically. “I know. It surprised me too. But there is. There’s, like, all these laws and shit to learn.”   
  
Luke smiled softly at the thinly-disguised panic he heard in the words. “You’ll be fine.”   
  
“We’ll see,” was all he said back. “But anyway, tonight. You. Me. Ali. Metro. You down?”   
  
Luke considered it for maybe a total of three seconds. “Sure. Special occasion, or...?”   
  
“Do I need a special occasion to hang out with my girl and my best friend?” Casey fluttered his eyelashes.    
  
“And how  _are_  things with your girl?” he asked knowingly.   
  
The fluttering continued, though Casey’s face got just a little bit more frozen. “Fine. Why do you ask?”   
  
_Because things have never been ‘fine’ with you two,_  Luke wanted to say. As the days went on, it was pretty clear to Luke that Casey and Ali just weren’t right for each other. Two wonderful people in their own right, just... just not together.    
  
But he didn’t say any of this, of course. Instead he just set down his latte, fixing Casey with a skeptical look. Casey grinned again. “Okay, you got me. Ali and I got a new neighbor yesterday, and we want to take him out, show him the town.”   
  
“New neighbor?” Luke repeated. “Who?”   
  
“A guy, our age,” Casey drained the last of his drink. “He’s working some for my dad, too. Kinda quiet, but cool. Really funny, once you get him talking. So, you coming out?” Then he smirked. “So to speak.”   
  
“Sure,” he shrugged. “Got nothing better to do.”   
  
And Casey was back to fluttering. “Oh baby, I love your sweet talk. Stop it, I’m blushing.” He dodged Luke’s hand when it tried to smack him. “Will your boyfriend be joining us?”   
  
Luke ignored the tone Casey used on that word, shook his head. “He’s working till late tonight, I think. He probably wouldn’t want to go with us afterwards anyway.”   
  
“Good,” Casey’s eyes were sparkling now. “You know, our new buddy is gay. Maybe you two could talk tonight, get to know each other-”    
  
“Case,” Luke narrowed his eyes just a little, warning in his tone. He loved his friend, but he was getting a little sick of Casey disapproving of Reid, of trying to casually and not-so-casually introduce Luke to every gay guy their age within a ten mile radius.    
  
“I’m just saying,” Casey held up his hands, eyes wide and Disney-innocent. “I may be a red-blooded heterosexual, but he’s pretty hot. Ali even agrees with me. And you know if  _we_  agree on something, it must be true.”   
  
And he couldn’t help it. He cracked a smile at that, relaxing again. “Too bad I’m spoken for.”   
  
It was Casey’s turn to fix him with a stare. “I will refrain- for today- from pointing out I still don’t see  _why_  you’re spoken for with that particular speaker, but know this-" he pointed. "It’s there. In my brain.”   
  
Luke stared hard in return. “You have a brain?”   
  
“Dude,” Casey groaned. “Too easy. I expect better from a CEO such as yourself.”   
  
“Shut up, Rainmaker. Go back to studying.” They play-glared at each other for a second before both of them turned back to their respective drinks and paperwork. Luke idly marveled that their lives had come to this.   
  
***   
  
“Knock knock,” Luke announced instead of actually knocking, letting himself into his boyfriend’s office.   
  
Reid looked up from a pile of paperwork, distraction leaving half a frown on his face. “That’s how you enter someone else’s office?”   
  
“You only got this office because of me,” Luke pointed out, sitting down in the chair across from him.   
  
“It’s my name on the door,” Reid replied.   
  
“It’s my money on the contract,” Luke threw back.   
  
“Aren’t sugar daddies supposed to be the older one in the relationship?” Reid opined, possibly only half-kidding. (Luke couldn’t always tell.)   
  
“Aren’t boyfriends supposed to kiss hello before they get to arguing?” Luke asked, leaning closer over the desk.   
  
He smiled now, finally, craning his neck to brush a quick kiss across Luke’s mouth before going back to paperwork. Luke briefly thought about pulling him in again for another- real- kiss, but sat back instead, studying the man in front of him.   
  
They hadn’t hit it off right away. In fact, Luke had been pretty much morally opposed to Reid’s presence all together. The only reason he was in Oakdale was because Damian had convinced him to, to help deal with Paul Ryan’s... microchip... whatever... thing. Luke didn’t know all the details. Or want to know.   
  
Reid hadn’t wanted to come to this town. He still didn’t want to be here, Luke knew. But somehow Damian had made it possible (again, Luke didn’t want to know the ‘how’ details of that.). And somehow, despite pretty much  _hating_  each other in the beginning, Luke and Reid found some common bond.    
  
Maybe it was their stubbornness, maybe it was their mutual love of snark, maybe it was Reid’s obvious social problems and Luke’s obvious need to be needed... but they connected somehow. And now Luke was in his first adult relationship. (His time with Reg had just been young love, stupid kid stuff. Really,  _really_  stupid as it turned out.)   
  
The only thing was...   
  
Luke sighed internally. He had a big family. He’d seen adult relationships before- his mom and Holden came to mind, Jack and Carly, Brad and Katie when they were together. And all those relationships looked different than how he felt. The highs seemed higher and the lows seemed lower. Was Luke doing something wrong?   
  
It wasn’t that they had a bad relationship, by any means. Luke was pretty sure he could see himself loving Reid at some point. And in his own way, Reid showed that he cared for Luke just as much. It was just- Luke had always assumed that being in love was supposed to feel like  _fire_ . Maybe it was still his immature, hopeless romantic side talking, but Luke thought being in love was supposed to ignite something in him. Make him want to- cheesy as it sounded, cheesy enough that Luke would never ever admit it to anyone ever- reach for the stars.   
  
But Reid was a realist. And maybe that was good for Luke. Maybe he just needed someone to make him be a grownup, not a dreamer. Not a kid. Even though, too often, Luke still  _felt_  like a kid compared to everyone else in his life.    
  
He watched Reid move on to his next pile of paperwork. Whenever Reid wanted to push Luke’s buttons, he brought up Luke’s age and supposed immaturity. It was to the point now where Luke found himself backing down in arguments more and more, just so he wouldn’t be seen as a brat.   
  
He wondered if that was part of the problem right there. Luke just wasn’t inspired- by himself, by anything- to make things better.   
  
Reid cleared his throat, sounding so official, looking up at him over his desk. “Have you thought anymore about what we discussed last night?”   
  
Luke’s musings stopped cold. For some reason, he’d hoped Reid wouldn’t bring it up. “Yeah,” he lied.   
  
Reid raised one eyebrow. “And?”   
  
And now he was honest. “I haven’t changed my mind. I don’t want to move to Dallas.”   
  
Reid did that little shoulder movement he always did when he wanted to sigh. “You know that doesn’t make sense.”   
  
“Maybe,” Luke shrugged, not wanting to seem irrational (immature). “But I want to stay close to my family. Especially right now, with my dad and Damian and everything going on.”   
  
“There’s always an ‘everything’ going on, Luke. You’re too good for this place,” Reid waved a hand around. “And I think you know it too. If you want to be something better like you always say, how are you going to do it in this backwards little town?”   
  
Luke stared at him, bristling a little at the insult to Oakdale. It was his  _home_ , and no matter how many times he complained about it, he still didn’t like hearing outsiders say bad things about it. ( _So you still think of Reid as an outsider? Interesting._  Shut up, Self.)   
  
“Just moving to a different place isn’t going to change what’s wrong with me,” he ended up mumbling, looking away.    
  
Reid snorted. “What’s so wrong with you? Don’t you ever think maybe you’re just finally becoming like the rest of us here in the real world?” He took another look at Luke and softened somewhat. As much as he could. “Luke. You’re exceptionally intelligent and talented. And passionate. I don’t like seeing this place and these people holding you back.”   
  
Luke felt himself soften too, in a way. Reid meant well, he always did. “My family is an important part of me. Not a part holding me back,” he tried to explain.   
  
And just like always, his boyfriend’s eyes shuttered still again. “Are you sure it’s not that here you may be going nowhere, but at least you’re not a no _body_  like you would be in a big city?”   
  
It always came back to Luke being spoiled. “I don’t know,” he forced himself to say. Arguing back now would just look like whining. He wasn’t a child. “I’m going to head to Grimaldi. I’m meeting Casey and Ali at Metro tonight, you can join us if you want.”   
  
Reid made a noncommittal noise. “You coming to my place afterwards?”   
  
“Sure,” Luke sighed the word out. Another kiss, Reid’s focus already turning back to his work, and Luke walked out the door. Days like this, where he let the emo infect his brain, always left him so unsettled. Reminded him that maybe there were no quick fixes or easy answers. Luke hated that feeling.   
  
He ran a hand through his hair, blowing out a frustrated breath, so distracted by his thoughts that he was barely paying attention as he went around a corner. And so he barely kept from slamming full-body into someone heading in the opposite direction.   
  
“Whoa!” he yelped, instinctively reaching out to keep his balance. He ended up grabbing the arm of the guy, who just as instinctively reached up to steady him. “Jeez, walk much?”   
  
“Not enough, I guess,” a deep voice answered. It was a nice voice, but the fact that it wasn’t nearly as upset as Luke just pissed him off more.   
  
“Clearly,” he halfway snapped. “Maybe you could look where you’re going next ti- oh.” He finally looked up (and up and up) to see who nearly ran him over, and was quieted for a second. A guy. Very much a guy. Very much a hot guy with a gorgeous-   
  
No. No.  _Boyfriend,_  Luke reminded himself.  _You have a boyfriend. And enough drama in your life as is._   
  
“Sorry,” the other guy apologized immediately, offering an uncertain smile, letting go of his arm.   
  
Luke forced himself to take a breath. “No, it was probably my fault. I have a tendency to, um, barrel forward.”   
  
The guy laughed a little. “Hey, I insist on taking the blame. I’m an easy target, come on.”   
  
Luke frowned, confused for just a second, before realizing with a start that the stranger’s eyes- while possibly the bluest blue he’d ever seen- were unfocused and vacant, cast only in Luke’s general direction. “Oh shit, God, I’m sorry,” he burst out, a bright red flush no doubt filling his face. How had he missed the folded-up cane in the guy’s hand?   
  
His apology was waved away. “Hey, I said it wasn’t your fault. I’m the blind one, happens to me all the time,” he actually smirked. “I should look where I’m going next time, right?”   
  
It was a nice look on him. Luke felt himself relaxing a little. “So you run guilt trips on unsuspecting people a lot, do you?” he couldn’t stop himself from snarking.    
  
“Like ninety percent of the time, yeah,” the guy didn’t miss a beat.    
  
Luke found himself laughing. “Is this something you do for entertainment?”   
  
Another laugh. He had a really nice laugh, Luke decided. Deep and throaty and just this side of dorky, bursting out of him as though maybe he didn’t use it that often. “Beats listening to TV,” his new friend replied, not at all fazed by Luke’s sarcasm. He reached for his wrist watch then and pressed a button, listening to the series of beeps that followed. “I think I’m running late. Since I can’t get you to feel guilty about barreling into me, can you at least tell me if I’m headed in the right direction? Room 701?”   
  
Luke nodded then silently cursed himself for being stupid. Nodding? Dumbass. “Uh, yeah, it’s up ahead on the left.”   
  
“Left. Got it.” Luke was treated to another brilliant smile. “Thanks for that, at least. But be careful running around corners. The next blind guy might not be so understanding.”   
  
Luke rolled his eyes with another smirk. “I guess I won’t always be this lucky, huh?”   
  
The guy unfurled his cane with a practiced ease. “I wouldn’t count on it,” he had the audacity to wink, shocking another laugh out of Luke, and then he headed off.   
  
Luke watched him go, and it was a good two minutes and three flights of stairs before he realized he’d never gotten a name. What kind of idiot meets an interesting guy and doesn’t even make an introduction?  _This kind of idiot, apparently._   
  
***   
  
He looked up with a one-part-relieved, two-parts-aggravated smile when Casey and Ali finally made their way into Metro. Only twenty minutes late this time; it was a record. They must’ve had just a minor fight tonight (a “spat,” Casey would clarify) instead of a full-blown one.   
  
Luke waved his hand, catching Casey’s attention. Casey waved back, heading over, while Ali turned back to talk to someone behind them. The new neighbor, he guessed. And then Luke got a good look at the guy, and almost laughed out loud. It was his mystery hot friend from the hospital. Of course. Of course it was. This was Oakdale, after all, Land of Crazy Random Happenstance. He watched as Ali threaded her arm through Hot Guy’s and led him over to the table.   
  
Luke stood up with a nervous smile. And just why the fuck was he nervous? No clue. But his palms were suddenly sweaty enough to need a quick wipe across his jeans. “Hey,” he said when they all got close enough. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Hot Guy’s head swivel up in his direction.   
  
“Hey!” Casey slapped him on the back, taking over conversation as he usually did. “Sorry we’re late.” He turned, gestured for Ali and Hot Guy to come closer. Ali pulled the guy forward. “Luke, this is our neighbor I told you about, Noah Mayer. Noah, this is Luke Snyder.”   
  
Luke couldn’t help but really smile, reaching out and shaking the hand that was tentatively stretched in his direction. “Yeah, we’ve met, actually.”   
  
Noah’s head was tilted ever so slightly, listening intently, and then he broke out into his biggest smile yet, eyes crinkling, cheeks almost chipmunking with the motion. Luke just barely kept from staggering at the sight. “I guess you  _did_  get lucky again,” Noah said, gripping Luke’s hand a little tighter.   
  
Remembering their parting words, he laughed a little and squeezed back, almost reluctant to let go. “Looks that way.”   
  
“Wait, what?” Casey looked back and forth between them. “Dude, I just saw you like four hours ago! How did you ruin my one cool thing for the night in that time?”   
  
“Casey,” Ali sighed. “Noah is not your Show And Tell toy.”    
  
When that sent them into another spat (a “quibble,” Casey would clarify), Luke kept his focus on Noah.  _Nice name. Suits him._  “Want to sit?”    
  
“Sure,” Noah nodded his head for Luke to lead the way, and after a moment’s hesitation, Luke put his hand on Noah’s forearm, guiding him the last few feet to the table. He watched with admiration as Noah found a chair and sat down smoothly, looking for all the world like he belonged here and came every day. “So I actually get your name this time.”   
  
“Yeah,” Luke chuckled, taking the seat next to him.    
  
Noah smiled in his direction. “Sorry, I should’ve asked before. I was running late though, and I _hate_  being late, my mind wasn’t on-”   
  
“It’s okay,” he broke in. “I was there too, remember? We never really got to the introduction part.”   
  
Noah nodded. “Of course. We were caught up in the banter part.” He propped his elbow up on the table, perching his chin in his hand. “So hi, Luke Snyder. Tell me about yourself.”   
  
He laughed a little again, more out of nerves than anything else. Why was he still nervous? Jesus. He leaned back in his chair. “Hi, Noah Mayer.” He saw with some delight (maybe relief) that Noah’s expression softened, charmed, at that. “I’ve lived in Oakdale my whole life. My work and my friends and my family are all here. My family, who are loud and big and crazy and terrifyingly loving, by the way.”   
  
Noah was still smiling happily at that. “So what do you do?”   
  
Luke managed not to sigh, some of that good mood dulling.  _Dull? Good word choice_ . Shut up, Self. “I work for my biological father’s company, a shipping thing. And I run a charity foundation. Right now we’re working on building a new neurology wing at the hospital.”   
  
Noah’s eyebrows raised. “Wow. Very industrious of you.”   
  
There wasn’t much of an easy way to respond to that, not without opening up the giant can of worms that was his life right now, so instead he turned the attention to Noah. “So what brought you to Oakdale?” he prompted, immediately wanting to wince at how cheesily ‘small talk’ that sounded.   
  
Noah smirked as if he somehow agreed. “A film project. I’m working on one, and some professor from Oakdale University heard about it and wants to co-produce. So we’re going to film it here.”   
  
“And, uh, what do you... how are you involved?” he tried a tactful way of asking.   
  
And failed. Noah laughed anyway. “I’m not directing,” he assured, holding his hands up. “I don’t think Sundance is ready for that yet.” He took a breath. “I’m strictly behind the scenes. Producing, writing, whatever else I can.”   
  
“That’s pretty cool,” Luke immediately tried to squash that leap in his stomach that happened whenever anyone mentioned writing. “What’s it about?”   
  
And at this, Noah ducked his head a little. It was the first time Luke had seen him look bashful at all. “It’s a... keep in mind, I’m a film geek, okay? Most times, the older the movie, the better.”    
  
It was Luke’s turn to laugh. “I’m the same way about books,” he found himself admitting.   
  
“Good,” Noah nodded, relieved, looking up again. “It’s a love story. An old-fashioned one, like... like something Bogey and Bacall would star in.” He shrugged. “I like to pretend, at least.”   
  
Luke pretended to know who those people were. “So, like, two strangers meet, there’s an immediate connection-”   
  
“-But they don’t know what that connection is at first,” Noah added in.   
  
“And circumstances try to keep them apart...” Luke built on that.   
  
Noah was really smiling now. “But fate and true love and all that are stronger than any circumstance.”   
  
“And they all live happily ever after?” he asked, a little wistful.   
  
“The end,” Noah nodded, confirming. “Roll credits.”   
  
“You wrote it?” Luke asked, trying to keep that desperation (jealousy?) out of his voice.    
  
Noah nodded. “I, well, before this?” he waved his hand briefly at his eyes. “I was going to be a director.” He said it so firmly, like there was no other option. Luke wanted to smile at that retained optimism. He wished he still felt that way. “But after, writing and development is pretty much all I can do.” He shrugged, adding as an afterthought, “All I’m trusted to do.”   
  
“How long have you been...?” Luke trailed off, unable to say the word. Like ‘blind’ was suddenly a dirty word.   
  
“Three years,” he answered amiably enough. “There was an accident. When I was eighteen.” There was a moment’s pause, filled up by some huge untold story, Luke could tell. But Noah just shrugged to himself and continued on. “I couldn’t exactly study directing and production in college, but I found other ways to, you know, stay involved.”   
  
“And now you’re working on your own film,” Luke added helpfully. Not at all contributing his own life story. Because it was depressing enough in his head.   
  
“Well,” Noah laughed. “Sort of. I mean, yeah, working on it. But to pay rent? Even blind guys can answer phones and stuff. Mr. Hughes has been really great about-”   
  
“Dude, we’ve talked about this,” Casey broke in, dropping into the seat next to Noah and messily throwing an arm around his shoulders. “We’re not on a military base. You can call him Tom and the world won’t end. I promise.”   
  
“Really? You promise?” Noah deadpanned, completely straight-faced.    
  
Casey laughed and stood up again, pointing to both of them. “I’m getting the drinks. Don’t move.”   
  
Luke watched him go, then turned back to Noah. “Military base?”   
  
“Yeah,” Noah’s face twisted just a little. “I was an Army brat growing up. I think some old habits die hard.”   
  
Luke nodded, then remembered nodding was stupid. Oops. “Okay.” It was obviously another of those ‘long stories,’ so Luke tried to steer the conversation back some. “Have you always been a writer too?”   
  
Noah looked startled for a moment, as though surprised Luke could be that interested. “No, not really. I mean, I  _have_  written stuff, but what emo teenage loner kid hasn’t, you know?”   
  
“I really do know,” Luke murmured before he could stop himself. Noah half-frowned in confusion, half-smiled in commiseration. It was a decidedly adorable expression, and Luke had to put an end to it. “I used to- used to want to be a writer.”   
  
There was that pause again, only this time it was Luke with the giant untold story. And, somehow, Noah sensed it. He offered up another smile that was gentle and knowing and unknowing, too. “I used to want to be a director,” he replied, his voice shrugging as his shoulders stayed still.    
  
Luke smiled at the tact. Not many people used that around him anymore. “Yeah.”   
  
Noah bit at his lip, rolling it between his teeth for a second, thinking about something. “Well, since you love writing-”   
  
“I never said I loved-”   
  
“You kinda did,” Noah talked over him, smiling again. “Since you have writing experience,” he re-phrased politely, “and you’re pretty much the only other person I know in town besides those two,” he nodded his head towards Alison and Casey, “maybe I could bounce some ideas off you some time?” He paused a little randomly between words, as though asking someone to hang out with him was an unfamiliar experience.    
  
“I really don’t think you need my expertise,” Luke laughed, part of him feeling a little ashamed (why? it wasn't like he had anything to offer), another part feeling that stir of excitement in his stomach again.   
  
“Maybe I want it anyway,” Noah countered. He looked a little tense still, like he was unsure if Luke even wanted to-   
  
Well, Luke did. “I’d like to,” he assured. “Really. I mean,” he cleared his throat, trying to figure out how to not sound awkward all the time around this guy. “It sounds like fun.”   
  
Noah’s face lit up into that smile again. Luke couldn’t help but stare, and found it kinda unfair that Noah had  _no idea_  how amazing he looked right now. “Great!”   
  
“Yeah,” Luke found himself returning the smile. “I pretty much make my own schedule, so I’m free a lot.”   
  
“Great,” Noah said again, softer this time. Still smiling.   
  
“What’s great?” Casey plopped himself down into the seat next to Luke, sliding a soda over to him and a bottle over in front of Noah. “Bottle’s at twelve o’clock.”   
  
Noah nodded his thanks, hand carefully reach out straight until his fingers brushed the bottle, then he pulled it towards him confidently. “Luke’s going to help me with my movie.”   
  
“Really?” Casey’s eyes widened dramatically, and he looked back and forth between them. “The writer taking up his proverbial pen once more?”   
  
“Casey, don’t use 4-syllable words, you know it just makes your head hurt,” Alison sighed as she sat down next to Noah. “That is great, though,” she turned to Luke and Noah, smiling. “It’d be nice to see you actually have some fun again, Luke.”   
  
He frowned at her warningly, noticing Noah’s expression turn curious, uncertain. “Thanks. Is it time to talk about something other than me yet?”   
  
Casey rolled his eyes, letting out a shocked  gasp that may have been more for Noah’s benefit than anyone else’s. “Let the record show, this statement was actually said by Luke Snyder at this time and date. Hereto for-”   
  
“Shut up,” Luke and Ali cut him off at the same time, Noah just shaking his head and grinning.   
  
***   
  
“You’re telling me you can’t run your foundation from Texas?” Reid quirked an eyebrow in that way that absolutely shouted his disbelief.    
  
“I’m telling you I  _can_ , but I can do it better from here. And I can’t work Grimaldi Shipping from Dallas, and I can’t help take care of my brother and sisters from Dallas, and the only reason Dallas is on the table is because you want to go there for you.” He shrugged. “I’m just extra luggage you want to bring along.”   
  
Reid rolled his eyes. “I do want to bring you along. For both of us. We’re in a relationship, Luke, not a business deal.” Quieter, “You’re not just luggage.”   
  
Luke was saved from responding to that by another voice calling his name hesitantly. He turned, and was surprised to see Noah standing a ridiculously respectful distance away, head cocked in his direction. “Luke? Is that you?”   
  
He wouldn’t admit to breathing a sigh of relief, but it was there. “Noah, hi.” He waited while Noah walked closer and then held his hand out, touching Noah’s arm lightly to let him know when he was close enough. (He’d seen Ali do the same thing at Metro.)    
  
“Who’s your friend?” Reid asked, eyeing Noah with one of those crazy unreadable expressions Luke still couldn’t decipher.    
  
“Oh, um,” he quickly dropped his hand from Noah’s arm. “Noah Mayer, he’s Casey and Alison’s new neighbor. Noah, this is Reid Oliver, my boyfriend.”   
  
“Your-” Noah recovered so quickly from that that Luke wasn’t sure what he’d even been recovering from. “Hi, Dr. Oliver.” He stuck out his hand just a little, just this side of tentative, like he had the other night with Luke.    
  
“Mr. Mayer,” Reid’s voice was friendly enough, as was his handshake. Luke found himself letting out the breath he’d been holding (why, he had no idea) and blinked peaceably at the searching expression on Reid’s face.   
  
“Are you here for another checkup?” Luke asked, studying Noah on his own now, smiling a little at the fact that he was- again- wearing a tshirt under a short sleeved plaid shirt. He noticed Reid notice his smile and quickly tried to school it away.   
  
Oblivious, Noah shook his head with a slight grin of his own. “No, I, uh, I’m here for physical therapy.” He rotated his arm unconsciously. “I kinda fell a few months ago and hurt my shoulder. Still need rehab for it.”   
  
Reid eyed them both. “Nasty fall? Weren’t looking where you were going, huh?”   
  
“Reid!” Luke hissed. Most times he was able to look past it when Reid’s snarking got the best of him, but this wasn’t one of those times. He wasn’t sure why it sounded so much harsher today, but it did.   
  
To his credit, Noah didn’t seem fazed at all. “Well, that kinda goes without saying, doesn’t it?” he grinned. “Though I bet you say a lot of stuff that goes without saying.” It was completely without bite or anger, but just enough strength for Luke to hear the message,  _Don’t mess with me._   
  
Reid blinked, which was his version of a double-take. “What can I say, it’s a gift. Not all are lucky enough to have it.”   
  
Luke just stared, head going back and forth like a tennis match, while Noah laughed, and again it was light and friendly. “Well then, here’s hoping you never go mute in an accident or something. That would be  _tragic._ ”   
  
“I’m a surgeon,” Reid informed him, almost forgetting that Luke was there. “Wouldn’t a better insult be going after my hands or something?”   
  
Noah shrugged. “I somehow get the feeling you cut more people with words than your hands.” It was said with just the right amount of teasing, and before Reid or Luke could respond, Noah added, “And I wasn’t necessarily trying to insult you.” He turned, gently clapping Luke on the shoulder. “I don’t want to be late because of you again, so I better head off. Nice to meet you, Dr. Oliver.”   
  
They both watched him go, Luke once again idly marveling that Noah could look so at ease walking blindly around a new building, a new town. He knew he’d never be like that. He’d never be able to walk comfortably around Dallas like that.   
  
“Your new friend?” Reid turned to him, face still unreadable. Luke nodded, trying to gauge his reaction. Reid nodded back once, twice. “I don't like him.”    
  
Luke wanted to laugh, wanted to tease Reid that he’d finally found someone who didn’t put up with his attitude, wanted to ask how it was Noah seemed to know Reid was a doctor... but all he said was, “Imagine that.”   
  
***   
  
He was trying to pay attention, he really was. But these damn meetings were the same. Every. Single. Week. Luke bit the inside of his cheek to distract himself, forcing his hand not to come up and loosen his tie. He didn’t want to look like a seven year old who’d been forced to dress up for church or something. The problem was, he felt like a twenty-two year old forced to dress up for a shareholders meeting for a shipping company he had absolutely no interest in.   
  
Oh, oh, wait a minute. That was actually true.   
  
He rolled his eyes on the inside. (Okay, maybe a little on the outside too. But nobody saw, so he didn’t really care.) He flipped to another blank page in his notebook, pretending to take notes on whatever Damian was saying.   
  
But really, he was writing.   
  
Nothing real, nothing substantial, just little notes and lines that caught his brain. Lots of it, he noticed, were circling around fate and circumstances and love stories. He had written down the names ‘Bogey and Bacall’ too, intending to find out who exactly they were.    
  
Still speaking, Damian circled the table, and Luke subtly scrambled to flip to another page in his notebook before Damian could see. Him finding out Luke wasn’t paying attention to the meeting? Bad. Him finding out Luke wasn’t paying attention because he was writing? Worse. Damian’s last lecture on the subject had actually included the phrase ‘flights of fancy,’ which Luke hadn’t even known still  _existed_  in reality.   
  
He waited for the man to head back towards the front of the room, then flipped back to his words. Words that were scrambled and went in all and no directions. Messy and possibly pathetic... but possibly not.   
  
Maybe Noah would have some way of understanding what he was trying to write?    
  
Maybe he should call Noah.    
  
***   
  
“Read me that last sentence again,” Noah leaned back on the bench, eyes closed, hands clasped around a cup of coffee.   
  
“Why?” Luke asked, suddenly shy.   
  
“Because I can’t read it myself,” Noah deadpanned back, lips quirking up.    
  
He had nice lips, Luke noticed. He didn’t usually notice that on a guy, but he did now. “Funny. Why do you want to hear it again?”   
  
Noah shrugged, “I liked the sound of it. You made it sound musical.”   
  
Yeah, now he was definitely shy. “I don’t even know what it all means yet. It’s just stuff I wrote down randomly.”   
  
“Hey,” Noah was still smiling, but something about him was serious, focusing on Luke. “That’s a good thing, isn’t it? That you can just put words down on paper instinctively? Plenty of writers would kill for that talent. Man, I know I would.”   
  
“How long did it take you to write this?” he asked, laying his notebook down on his lap so he could flip through the pages of Noah’s script.   
  
“About a year,” Noah admitted. “After my accident, I was a little... I wasn’t very pleasant to be around for awhile.” Luke’s stomach twisted at how sad and ashamed Noah looked for a moment. “I ignored movies, especially  _my_  movies, for a long time. Too long.”   
  
Luke knew that feeling. “What changed?” he asked, settling back comfortably in the bench next to him.   
  
Noah turned to his direction, his face lighter than it had been a moment ago. “Nothing. Or, I mean, I don’t know what changed. One day I woke up with these ideas and I had to get them out.” He smiled a little. “Guess I just couldn’t stay away.” He reached out and managed to tap on Luke’s notebook. “You know how that feels, I think.”   
  
“Maybe,” he said softly. And he wondered at the fact that they could share a smile together, without Noah even seeing his face.    
  
“So, this dad,” Noah traced a finger over the Grimaldi Shipping logo on the front of the notebook. His hand was so close to Luke’s thigh, he couldn’t stop himself from staring. “He’s the not-quite-Mafia one, or whatever, right? Not your ‘dad’ dad.”   
  
“Sort of, basically,” Luke vagued up his answer, unsure of how to explain it all. How to explain just how fucked up the Snyder clan had gotten lately. Ever since the insane he’s-dead-no-wait-is-he-yes-he-is-oh-wow-n o-he-isn’t drama with Holden a few months ago, it felt like everything was changed forever.    
  
Damian had wormed his way in. They all tried to excuse it, deny it, whatever, but there it was. He was, somehow, a part of the family again. He and Lily were in the middle of some strange on-again-off-again dance, which was all the more complicated by Holden’s return. Coupled with the fact that Luke was still technically working at Grimaldi Shipping, and... yeah, things were tense. For everyone.   
  
It was like, when Holden came back, he was the same Holden he had been. But everything else had become different. Every _one_ . And Luke still working for Damian probably hurt Holden more than he let on. Things had been strained and awkward between Luke and his dad for awhile now.   
  
And Luke didn’t know how to fix it.    
  
His boyfriend was no help. He encouraged Luke working for Damian because, to him, it made the most sense. And it wasn’t necessarily Reid’s fault there- he just didn’t get ‘family stuff’ and never had. He didn’t see the big deal whether Luke was on good terms with Holden or not. Reid always just kind of shrugged it away; he’d never really had a family, he didn’t understand.   
  
Not that, you know, Luke even understood half the time. And how do you explain all of  _that_  to an outsider?   
  
Noah regarded him thoughtfully. “Which one is the one who encourages your writing?”   
  
Luke blinked, confused. “Um, Holden, I guess. He always supported it and still wants me to go back to school for it.” One of the many things they argued about recently. “Why?”   
  
Noah nodded decisively. “Then he’s your ‘dad’ dad.”   
  
Luke laughed at the simplicity of that. “It’s not really that easy. Damian’s been through a lot too, and he’s really trying to be there for my mom right now. I can’t fault him for that.”   
  
“But that’s for your mom,” Noah pointed out. “What about for you?”   
  
He shifted around a little. “He gave me this job. He offered me a different path instead of pushing me to go back to school like everyone else was. It’s just... hard to trust him sometimes, given our history. And I wish he’d treat me more like a son than an heir, if that makes sense.”   
  
“It does,” Noah responded quieter. “My dad used to treat me the same way.”   
  
It was the first time Noah had ever spoken about his family, Luke realized. “How?” he asked tentatively, pretty much dying for Noah to divulge anything about his (in Luke’s mind) mysterious past.   
  
Noah was biting at his lip now, and for a second Luke was sure he wasn’t going to answer. But then, “My mom died when I was really little. I don’t really remember her at all. Most of my childhood was treated like Basic Training. And I lived with the Drill Sergeant.”   
  
“It must’ve been tough for both of you,” he said, proud of his own diplomacy.    
  
But Noah just shrugged. “It wasn’t fun. It’s better now.” He threw a smile on his face then, and no matter how fake it probably was, it was still pretty enough to distract Luke. “I know, I know. So descriptive. I sound like such a writer, don’t I?”   
  
Luke chuckled, recognizing the ploy for what it was, not sure he was ready to let Noah get away that easily. “Where’s your dad now? Nearby?” The only Army base he could think of was just outside of town and had been abandoned for years.   
  
It was possibly the wrong thing to say, but Luke had never been one to censor himself. Noah flinched a little bit, but there was no revealing of secrets after it. “No, he’s a few states away. He won’t be coming here. We’re... he’s not a part of my life anymore.”   
  
His hands shook for a second as he ran them through his hair, and Luke realized something then. For all his snappy answers and easygoing appearance, Noah wasn’t quite as suave and confident as he made himself look. “If him being gone keeps you from looking this sad, then I’m all for it,” he found himself saying. And really- what? Who said shit like that?   
  
Noah’s face slipped into complete shock for a second before he grinned wide. “Just like I’m all for you quitting that boring executive job and doing something you actually like?”    
  
“What?” It was Luke’s turn to be thrown off kilter. And he most definitely was, almost wanting to grab the bench for balance in case he started to fall.   
  
Noah tilted his head slightly, and Luke felt as if he was being studied even without being seen. “Everything you’ve said to describe that job and Damian, you’re making it sound like such a _barrel_  of laughs. None of what you said sounds like fun, and you weren’t exactly using a lot of enthusiasm.”   
  
“So?” He couldn’t but be just a little bit petulant at that.   
  
“So,” Noah echoed. “What do you do that you actually like? That’s what I want to hear about next. We’ll start with writing and go from there.” He nodded towards Luke as though giving him permission to start.   
  
And once again, Noah startled a laugh out of Luke. He thought about protesting or starting with something self-deprecating to get out of it, but he stopped. Noah actually looked interested in what he had to say. And really- himself and writing? Two of his favorite things to talk about.    
  
He took up a comfortable position on the bench again, and began. The smile on his face felt bigger than it had in months.   
  
***   
  
“So how are you liking Oakdale so far, Noah?” Emma asked as she cleared the nearly-emtpy basket of rolls from the table.   
  
Noah hurriedly swallowed down the sip of iced tea he’d had in his mouth. “Um, I really like it, ma’am,” he smiled, just this side of nervous. He didn’t set the glass down, keeping it in his grip instead. Luke realized then that Noah always tried to have something in his hands. He was a pretty tactile person.   
  
Luke found he suddenly needed a drink too.   
  
“Not too small town for you?” Jack joked, taking a pile of dirty dishes from the kids and carrying them over to the sink.   
  
“Not at all,” his smile was more genuine now. “I moved around a lot as a kid, never really got to do the whole ‘neighborhood’ thing, or family dinners or stuff like that. It’s... I like it.”   
  
It was actually probably a good thing that Noah couldn’t see the adoring looks on Emma and Carly’s faces. Luke had no doubt he’d be blushing to high heaven if he could, or running out the door. Part of Luke wanted to rescue him from the attention, but the other half was too busy enjoying his embarrassment.    
  
“And you like working with Tom Hughes?” Holden asked from where he sat re-tying Ethan’s shoelaces. Ethan, who was bouncing a little in his seat, still eyeing Noah with pure curiosity. “It sounds like a bit of a departure for you.”   
  
Luke bristled, frowning. He couldn’t help it. “I’m sure Noah’s doing what’s right for him,” he tried to say evenly. The twitch of Holden’s face told him he wasn’t exactly successful.   
  
“Let’s hope,” he heard him murmur.   
  
Noah obviously heard it too, and before Luke could open his mouth to be, well,  _un_ even, he touched Luke’s arm gently. Restraining without being restricting. How did he do that? “It’s what pays my bills right now, so it’s fine. And Mr. Hughes-”   
  
“Tom,” Luke corrected, remembering Casey’s teasing. Breaking some of his own tension.   
  
Noah narrowed his eyes mockingly for a second. “Tom,” he repeated exaggeratedly, earning a snort of laughter from Faith nearby. “Is really great.” He nodded back to Holden, his composure and that ‘I’ve-got-it-all-together’ appearance back in place. “It won’t be forever.”   
  
Holden nodded too, smiling at Noah’s determination. Luke squashed down any bitterness that that brought up in him. “That’s good to hear. It sounds like you need to be out there making films at some point.”   
  
Noah blushed. “At some point, maybe.” He cleared his throat, squeezing Luke’s arm. Luke realized he’d never let go earlier. “You said something about stories you wrote?”   
  
“Oh, yeah,” Luke smiled involuntarily. “They’re upstairs, come with me.” He turned to his grandmother as she studied them with a smile. “We’ll be upstairs, Grandma.”   
  
She hesitated for less than a second- just enough time for Luke to ready an argument about how just because they were gay didn’t mean they were going upstairs to fool around, and hey, he had a boyfriend anyway, remember?- but then smiled again. “Just make sure you let me know before you leave, Noah. I’ve got some leftovers you can take back with you.”   
  
Noah blushed and smiled wider. “Oh, you don’t need to do that, I-”   
  
“Noah Mayer, how much do you weigh?” she talked over him.   
  
He was startled by the question, while Luke and the other Snyder men in the kitchen looked on with amused expectancy. “Um, I- I don’t-”   
  
“Too skinny,” she answered for herself. “Do you eat properly in that apartment by yourself? Maybe you should come over here once a week, just so I can be sure you’re taking care of-”   
  
“Grandma, you’ve scared him enough for one day,” Luke couldn’t stop laughing now, especially at the look of confused mortification on Noah’s face. “Maybe, if Noah’s not busy, I’ll convince him to come to dinner next week, is that okay with everyone?”   
  
“Yeah!” Ethan was the first to agree, excited for his new playmate. The first twenty minutes Noah had been here, he had sat with Ethan and patiently listened to childish chatter, even answered questions about being blind. Ethan was quite possibly in love.   
  
Emma pretended to stay stern. “That sounds just fine with me, honey. Noah? Would you like to come to dinner next week?”   
  
Noah was still more than a little confused (which was to be expected, nobody got used to the Snyders on their first day), but his smile was genuine and happy. “Yes ma’am.”   
  
“Good,” she nodded, shooing Luke away with her hand. “Now git.”   
  
Luke was still laughing when he led Noah into his old room, rooting around the desk for his notebook. “Sorry about that, Grandma loves to be a mother hen.” He glanced at Noah, “There’s a chair at two o’clock from where you’re facing, if you want to sit down.” He’d seen Ali and Casey use the clock directions a few times.   
  
Noah’s face lit up with grateful surprise. “Thanks,” he took a few cautious steps until his cane found the chair, then sat down gracefully. “And you don’t have to apologize. I don’t mind, really.”   
  
“Noah,” Luke sighed, “I know you’re, like, unfailingly polite, but you don’t have to humor my crazy relatives.”   
  
“No, I’m serious,” Noah insisted. “This is... wow, this is gonna sound pathetic, but it’s true- this is really the first time since my accident that people don’t treat me like I’m blind. Or fragile. Or like they need to whisper the word ‘gay’ around me.”   
  
Luke sat on the edge of his bed- man, when was the last time he slept here?- and faced Noah. “Has that been an issue?”   
  
“Being a blind gay guy? You come across too many people who aren’t sure which thing is the disability,” Noah said. “When I was still in the hospital after the accident, I didn’t have any family there, you know? So these volunteers, church ladies and pastors and whoever, would come to my room and-” He smirked over at Luke. “They never managed to convert me, though.”   
  
“Do you get to...” Luke tried that little thing called tact. “Dating must be pretty hard.”   
  
Noah laughed freely at that. “Understatement, Shakespeare. Don’t make faces,” he added, just as Luke was about to stick his tongue out. Then he sobered a little, shrugging one shoulder. “Since the accident? I’ve been on a couple dates. One sort-of relationship that just got too much for him. It’s hard for people, not knowing how to, I don’t know, take care of me.”   
  
Luke snorted, he couldn’t help it. “Oh please. They don’t realize you take care of yourself?”   
  
Noah looked up again, surprised. “No,” he said softly. Grateful again. “No one’s really figured that out yet, I guess.”   
  
Sensing he didn’t want the attention on him right now, Luke nudged his shoulder. “And hey, don’t feel bad. Besides Reid? I’ve had one other relationship in my entire life, and he died of a drug overdose four months after we broke up. Okay, two relationships if you count the fake one I had with my female cousin to hide from everyone that I was gay.”   
  
It was pretty straightforward to him, but Noah stared like he could actually see Luke, and Luke had two heads. “Why do you need to make up stories? Seems like you’ve got enough to draw from already.”   
  
“Shut up,” Luke smacked his shoulder good-naturedly with the notebook he’d been holding. “And here.”   
  
Noah’s face lit up, and Luke wondered secretly if he’d ever get used to the sight of it. “Your stories?”   
  
“Yeah,” Luke felt okay blushing, knowing Noah couldn’t see it. “Some of it’s pretty rough, though. Dates back to just after high school, my friend Maddie and I- you’d totally like her, by the way- we wrote this webseries together. And some stuff I wrote in college, before I... left.”   
  
“Great. Can I... can I hold onto these for a little while?” Noah smiled up at him.    
  
“What for? You can’t read them,” Luke asked without thinking.   
  
Noah rolled his eyes. “I have a scanner. I can get them on my laptop and my software will read it out loud to me. I’m not-”   
  
“Sorry, I know,” Luke interrupted, placating. “You’re gonna have to remember, I speak before I think things through half the time.” Once Noah was relaxed again, he tried a different tactic. “So, you’re gonna read my stories. Any chance I’ll get to watch your movies?”   
  
“No,” Noah said shortly, some of his good mood gone. “You won’t.”   
  
“Why not?”   
  
Noah grimaced. “I haven’t... I was making a film when the accident happened. Never got to finish it. I just, I can’t. I had to let it go.”   
  
He looked so sad, defeated at that, and Luke couldn’t stand it. He reached out, put his hand over Noah’s. It was completely innocent- it was- and because he was offering comfort Luke ignored the tiny pinpricks and sparks he felt connect his skin to Noah’s. “Maybe someday.”   
  
Noah shook his head, but didn’t pull his hand away. “I’m making a new one now. Moving on. I have to. And that’s why you should be writing again.”   
  
Luke grinned at how Noah always tried to steer the conversation back to that. “And why is that?”   
  
Noah somehow gave him a pointed look. “It’s a saying one of my old doctors used to tell me- The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” He squeezed Luke’s hand. “You need to find your vision again.”


	2. Two

That saying stuck with Luke for days. His notebook started to fill up more and more, less stranded thoughts and more coherent ideas, narratives starting to come together, dialogue, scenes. He still hid the work from everyone but Noah, but he was writing. And he was surprised at how good it felt.   
  
He managed to slip out of a hospital wing meeting early, knowing that Noah usually got coffee at Java in the afternoon. He’d finished writing up a scene last night that he thought would compliment Noah’s script really well, and he was (surprisingly) eager to show it to him.   
  
Which was totally the reason (the only reason), he was brought up short when he entered Java and saw Noah sitting at a table with another man. Good looking, slightly older, artsy. Insufferable, Luke was sure.   
  
Completely sure.    
  
He came to a stop next to the table, making sure to call out before touching Noah’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s Luke.”   
  
Noah looked up with a giddy smile. “Luke, hey! What are you doing here?”   
  
He stuffed his hands in his pockets, not liking the way the other man’s eyes zeroed in on where he had touched Noah. “Looking for you.” He eyed Mr. Artsy Guy. “But if you’re busy I can come back...” he purposefully trailed off, hoping the opposite.   
  
“No, no it’s fine,” Noah beckoned him to sit down. “We’re almost done. Luke, this is the guy from Oakdale University who wants to produce my film. Mason Jarvis, this is Luke Snyder. He’s a writer too.”   
  
“Really?” The Mason guy looked him up and down with absolutely no enthusiasm, then turned back to Noah. And Luke’s own eyes narrowed at the way Mason looked at Noah. Like he was stranded on a desert island and Noah was the last glass of fresh water. Which, hey, people could look at Noah however they wanted. It wasn’t Luke’s business. But when it was so obvious like that? Just plain annoying.    
  
He inched his chair a little closer to Noah’s, just in case. “Not really,” he answered Mason’s probably-rhetorical question. “I just write for fun. Nothing like what Noah’s doing.”   
  
“Yes really,” Noah insisted. Turning back to Mason, “That change on page thirty-two, that you liked so much? That was Luke’s idea. He’s really good.”   
  
Luke made sure not to blush at the praise, as though he and Noah always talked like this. Just so Mason would know he was Noah’s friend first, and he better stop looking at Noah like... that.    
  
Mason glanced at Luke again, more calculated this time. Like he was sizing up competition. Which was ridiculous, right? Luke was Noah’s friend. Mason was crazy. And way stupid if he thought he was good enough for Noah. “Well then,” Mason’s voice was oily. Reminded him of Damian’s when he was trying to close a business deal. “I guess it’s a good thing we have Luke around.”   
  
Yeah. Luke didn’t like this guy.    
  
He purposefully turned to look at Noah and Noah alone. “Are you free for the rest of the afternoon? I have something new for you.”   
  
“You wrote more?” Noah had no idea Mason was basically eye-fucking him, obviously. “Awesome. I was going to see if someone could take me out to one of our shooting locations today so I could get a feel for it, but I could do that another day.”   
  
Mason opened his mouth and Luke knew, just  _knew_ , that he was about to offer to drive Noah out to God knows where and probably, like, try to woo him in a field of meadowflowers or something. So, of course, Luke went with his own impulsive ideas first. “Oh, I can drive you.” He noted with some satisfaction that Mason’s mouth snapped shut.   
  
“Wait, Luke, are you sure?” Noah was still smiling, but his brow furrowed. “It’s gonna take a few hours, don’t you have hospital stuff today?”   
  
He did, actually. There was a cocktail reception scheduled for the evening that he was pretty sure Dr. Hughes wanted him to go to, partly to make sure Reid didn’t insult another donor. But hey, if he was a little late, nobody would really care. Luke was actually very certain of that.   
  
“Nothing important,” he assured. “I want to go with you.” And the grateful look on Noah’s face combined with the disgruntled one on Mason’s had Luke feeling like this was his best idea in a long time.   
  
And that feeling stayed right up until the moment, hours later, that his car decided to break down on the side of a deserted road outside town. In the middle of a storm.   
  
Of course.   
  
He threw himself back into the car with a groan, shaking off the rain in his hair and on his jacket. “We’re completely screwed.”   
  
Noah raised an eyebrow. “That bad?” He reached out searchingly until he found Luke’s sleeve, tugging on it.   
  
“Yeah,” Luke glared at his phone. “I called for a tow, but with the weather? They won’t show up for awhile. The tow truck probably wouldn’t make it through the mud. The incredible backwater aspect of this small town is rearing its ugly head.”   
  
Noah let out a laugh. “That’s some very eloquent bitching you’ve got going on there, Snyder.”   
  
“Shut up,” he blinked when he realized Noah’s tugging had gotten Luke’s soaked jacket off of him and tossed into the backseat, and Noah’s much warmer, drier jacket was now in Luke’s lap. When had that happened? “Thanks,” he added, feeling stupidly shy, pulling it around him.   
  
Noah just shrugged. “What did the engine look like? Fixable?”   
  
“Fuck if I know,” Luke groaned, foul mood coming back. “I suck at mechanical stuff. I don’t know an engine from a carburetor from a magic school bus. I’d probably blow it up before I fixed it.”   
  
“So between me the blind guy and you the blond guy, we’re completely screwed,” Noah supplied good-naturedly.   
  
Luke grumbled just the same, maybe to counter-balance his steadiness. “Yep.” Then he paused, frowning even more. “Wait. How did you even know I’m blond?”   
  
Noah blinked, then started giggling. Full-on, delighted, little-kid giggling. “I didn’t. A wild guess that totally paid off,” he managed to say.   
  
Luke just stared at him, fighting off an involuntary smile. What guy their age  _giggled_ ? Seriously. He was somewhere between wanting to smack him, or ruffle his hair and buy him ice cream, or-   
  
No. Not going down that road. He glared instead, crossing his arms miserably, forgetting yet again that Noah couldn’t see the gesture. “Laugh it up, Chuckles. We’re stuck on the side of the road, outside town, in the middle of a rainstorm. You know how long it’s going to be to get someone out here?”   
  
Noah’s laughter died down, though his grin didn’t. “So we’ll wait a little while. It’s not the end of the world.”   
  
“It’s annoying,” Luke argued for the sake of arguing.   
  
Noah just shrugged, resting back in his seat a little more. “You always get this worked up over silly stuff?” he teased.   
  
At least, Luke thought it was teasing. Spending so much time with Reid, he was used to taking even the driest of jokes as mostly truth. “You think being stranded is silly?”   
  
Noah tilted his head. “Not really, but it could be worse. At least I’ve got nice company.” And then he smiled again.   
  
And maybe Luke wasn’t as annoyed as he thought he was. “So that’s the location you want to use?” he asked, settling back in his own seat.   
  
Noah nodded. “I think so. It’s out of the way- won’t have much risk of interruption- and, and I don’t know, it  _felt_  off the beaten path, you know?”   
  
He smiled. “Yeah. Somewhere that’s only theirs.”   
  
“Exactly,” Noah agreed. “I want a place that’s kind of secret, safe. A... Secret Garden or Wonderland kinda feel, or... I don’t know, give me a literary reference.”   
  
Luke thought hard, his smile widening as it did whenever he got to use that part of his brain. “Shangri-La.”    
  
“Yes!” Noah nodded again. “Perfect. See? That’s why I need you.” He stopped abruptly, smile freezing. Luke was frozen too, for just that second, until Noah shook his head. “That came out kinda forward, didn’t it?” He chuckled self-consciously. “That’s why I’m glad to have you around, I meant to say.”   
  
For once, Luke was somewhat glad Noah couldn’t see. At least his face, because it felt pretty damn red at the moment. “Well, it’s nice to be needed,” he replied lamely.    
  
Noah cleared his throat, leaning back again. “So. What did you think of it?”   
  
“The location?” Luke shook himself out of that sudden, weird tension. “I liked it. It did feel like a secret. And it wasn’t too, um, distracting, if that makes sense. Visually. You could do a lot with it.”   
  
Noah’s face lit up excitedly. “Yeah? Good. I want that. I want it to look... I don’t know, like it smelled.”   
  
“What did it smell like?” he asked curiously, turning to him even more, getting comfy.   
  
Noah bit his lip, thinking it over. Luke kept his eyes away from the gesture. “It smelled like... the air was fresh, you know? Light. Like you were surrounded but not smothered by it. I want it to look like that.” Another shrug, a little more self-conscious. “Or something.”   
  
“I think I get it,” he said softly, surprising himself.    
  
And, judging by the look on Noah’s face, surprising him too. But instead of commenting, Noah just tilted his head to the side. “It stopped raining.”   
  
Luke looked out the windshield, surprised. “Oh. Yeah.” He hadn’t even noticed. “Guess the tow will be here soon then.”   
  
Noah frowned a little suddenly. “How far away are we from town? If you need to go, you can. Walk, I mean. I can wait with the car. It’s no big d-”   
  
“Noah,” Luke half-laughed. “I’m not just gonna leave you here to deal with my car, that wouldn’t be fair.” He was careful not to say anything about Noah not being able to handle it on his own.    
  
“But if you have to be somewhere,” Noah insisted.   
  
Luke was about to shake his head but caught himself. “Hey. It’s fine. There was something I was going to do, but I don’t have to.” A flash of yet another hospital cocktail event, the fake-mingling and club-soda-drinking hell it was, only strengthened his resolve. “I’d rather be here.”   
  
The look on Noah’s face was comically skeptical. “Whatever that thing is must really suck.”   
  
He caught his shrug in time too. “Hanging out with you doesn’t.”   
  
There was a slight blush to Noah’s face at that, and he turned away for a second. Out of instinct, Luke turned his head away too, to give Noah the moment. They were both silent for a few minutes, Luke staring out the windshield again, when Noah spoke up. “Spiderman or Batman?”   
  
Luke’s head swiveled around so fast he was surprised he didn’t hear a creaking sound. “What?”   
  
Noah grinned at him, that big giant goofy one. “Spiderman or Batman? Which do you like better? Or who, I guess.”   
  
“Seriously?” he sputtered. “That’s what you want to talk about?”   
  
Noah chuckled, throaty and delighted. “Why not? You said you like comic books. And I’d bet a month’s rent that you’ve seen the movies. Which do you like better?”   
  
Luke smiled. “Batman, hands down,” he answered. “Better backstory, better villains.”    
  
Noah grinned wider. “And he couldn’t rely on superpowers. And had a badass car.”   
  
“Exactly,” Luke agreed, satisfied. Then he shook his head, letting out a chuckle of his own. “I can’t believe we’re talking about this.”   
  
“Why not?” Noah asked sincerely.    
  
“Be-because it’s childish,” Luke offered, feeling dumb. “Just about stupid stuff.”   
  
“So?” Noah was still smiling, but just a little confused. “Does every conversation have to be some meaningful, deep thing? That would get pretty tiring. Don’t you ever just want to talk about silly stuff and just...” he waved a hand around.   
  
_Yes._  “I don’t know,” he said. “I can’t be a... I’m not a kid anymore.”   
  
“So?” Noah said again. He smiled, almost gently this time. “Just be you.”   
  
Luke didn’t know how to respond to that out loud.  _What if I don’t know who I am?_   
  
***   
  
“I don’t even hear it from you. Dr. Hughes’s secretary has to inform me that my boyfriend is missing the reception because he's off having fun with another man. Wow. Thanks,” Reid undid his tie, tossing it to the side.   
  
Luke rolled his eyes. “My car broke down. And stop saying ‘with another man’ like we were naked and feeding each other chocolate-covered strawberries in a meadow or something. It’s just Noah. We got stuck in a storm. Jesus.”   
  
“Just Noah?” Reid fixed him with a stare. “You do realize ‘just Noah’ is the person you’ve spent more time with than your own family in the last two weeks?”   
  
“Noah’s my friend,” Luke crossed his arms, defiant. “I’m helping him out with his film, and he’s helping me with my writing.  _Friends_  do that.”   
  
“Writing? You’re writing again?” Reid asked. “When did you start that? And why is writing suddenly so much more important than the hospital or your other job? Jobs,” he added, correcting himself.   
  
“Because they’re just jobs. Writing is something different. Something I like.” He shook his head. “Why are we even talking about this? You’re mad because you had to spend a night actually socializing without me to cover for you.”   
  
“I’m mad because my boyfriend is apparently regressing back to his high school self, and using a blind guy to help him do it.”   
  
Luke took a second to breathe deeply, slowly. “That’s what you really think of me?”   
  
They stared at each other for a minute before Reid let out his own breath, shoulders relaxing back a fraction of an inch. “No,” he admitted. “I’m just...” he paused, gathered his thoughts. Which was strange, as he was usually like Luke- just say the first thing that came to mind. “It’s unsettling. I’m used to having you around all the time,” he offered up a smile. “And you’ve been playing elsewhere lately.”   
  
Luke found himself softening too. “It doesn’t change that much,” he reminded Reid, not ready to concede entirely. “I have friends that aren’t you, and I’m going to hang out with them. Noah’s my friend. You have to respect that.”   
  
“I do,” Reid replied. “But... you haven’t known Noah for that long. You can’t know him that well. Just be careful, all right?”   
  
“You think there’s something wrong with him?” Luke half-laughed. “It’s Noah. You've only talked to him, like, one time. Trust me, he’s a Boy Scout.”   
  
“Really?” Reid gave him that poor-you-and-your-not-as-good-as-mine-br ain look. A very pointed one this time, for reasons Luke couldn't figure out. “What do you know about him, Luke? Really know about him? You met him like a month ago, and he’s got you roped into working on his film? You sure he’s not just treating you like his own personal seeing-eye boy?”   
  
“Noah’s not like that,” Luke defended.   
  
“How do you know?” Reid pointed out, completely calm, completely reasonable. “What happens when his movie is done? When he doesn’t need you anymore?”   
  
Why did there have to be something wrong with Noah? He was confused and indignant about that, but also too tired to argue. Adults had conflicts and then made up again, and Luke was an adult. “I’m sorry I didn’t make it to the reception.”   
  
Reid frowned for a second, then chuckled. “You’re lucky I didn’t make anyone cry.”   
  
Luke forced a laugh too, stepped in and kissed him lightly. Reid pulled him by the front of his shirt when he tried to lean back. This kiss was more insistent, sharper. Luke welcomed it, ridding himself of the tension between them and the tension that had been following him since the car broke down.    
  
Reid backed up a few steps, still holding onto Luke’s shirt, still hold close to Luke’s mouth. “No reason  _we_  can’t hang out now, is there?” he raised an eyebrow.   
  
Luke answered him by kissing him again, following him back into the bedroom.   
  
***   
  
“Would you just  _stop_  for a second?!” Luke tried to keep a grip on Noah’s arm, but somehow it kept slipping out of his hands.   
  
“Leave. Me. Alone,” Noah growled. He pulled his apartment keys out of his pocket, and Luke could see his hands, one of the palms scraped up, were shaking.   
  
“No way am I leaving you alone,” Luke wanted to laugh at how stupid that suggestion was. “Your hands are bleeding, probably your knee too. I need to patch it up before-”   
  
“I’ve been patching myself up since I was four, I don’t need you,” Noah’s voice actually got loud. It was crazy. Luke had never heard Noah’s voice go beyond moderately soft-spoken before.    
  
“It’s not about need, it’s about letting other people help,” Luke wasn’t exactly quiet either.   
  
“I know how to take care of myself-”   
  
“No one’s arguing that! You’re just pissed and embarrassed because you fell. It’s not a big deal, there’s no-” he tried to turn his voice soft, placating. Soothing.   
  
“That’s not why I’m pissed, Luke!” Yeah, evidently the soothing wasn’t working.    
  
“Then why?” He followed Noah into the apartment, watching with some amazement still that Noah could navigate it so easily. He trailed after his friend as he dropped his stuff by the door and headed into the living room, where a first-aid kit was stored next to the couch. Luke wondered how often Noah needed one within close reach.   
  
“You!” Noah was still kinda yelling. “You... do you have any idea how you acted back there?”   
  
“I was freaked out!” Luke tried to explain. “You fell and it was unexpected and it scared me. You couldn’t see what-”   
  
“I fall, Luke, it happens! I need to be able to fall and get back up and figure that out. I  _don’t_  need you trying to be blind for me and trying to overcompensate and, and coddle me, okay?”   
  
“I was just trying to help!” As they argued, he watched Noah pull two Bandaids out of the kit, fighting the urge to put them on himself. It probably wouldn’t go over too well.   
  
Noah shook his head, even as he applied the Bandaids. “You were trying to help in your way. If you want to help, it has to be  _my_  way. You... back there? It was too overbearing.”   
  
Luke winced at that. Ouch. “I panicked. I thought maybe you were hurt and there were so many people around, and if it were me, I’d-”   
  
“That’s what you don’t get,” Noah cut in. “I’m not you. I’m me. You have to treat me like me, not like you.”   
  
Another wince, though he had to acknowledge some truth to that one. “... I don’t like seeing the people I care about get hurt. That’s all it was. It was my reaction because of me, not because I think you’re weak or something.”   
  
Noah deflated visibly. He finished bandaging his scraped hand in silence. “I wasn’t lying.”   
  
“Wh-?”   
  
“When I said I’d been doing this since I was four. Taking care of myself. It’s what I do. And especially after I lost my sight, it’s always been just me. Maybe that’s bad or wrong or pathetic, I don’t know. But I’m used to it, and I’m good at it now.”   
  
“Noah,” Luke wasn’t sure if he’d ever heard anything sadder in his life.   
  
“So you have to understand- I  _have_  to be able to do things for myself, before I let anyone else try. Other people aren’t always going to be around.” He pulled at the cuffs of his sleeves (another plaid shirt). “I guess I’m sorry, I know you meant well. But doing things the way you want doesn’t help me.” He tried to smile. “Help me up when I ask for it, not when I fall.”   
  
He wanted to snap that that was stupid. “It kinda goes against my nature but, but I guess I can try that.”   
  
Noah’s face softened even more, and how the hell was Luke supposed to stay mad looking at that? “How about, next time I fall I’ll at least let you help put the Bandaid on, and we’ll work from there?”   
  
“Deal,” he laughed, secretly hoping there was no ‘next time’ ever to speak of. They slipped into their now-regular routine then, Noah booting up his laptop and Luke reading through his stack of notes and scenes.    
  
He looked over at Noah a few minutes later, something weird striking him: there was no tension in the air. They’d just had a fight, a screaming match to be specific. But they had, like, talked it out, and now things were okay.   
  
Wow. Weird.   
  
So maybe Reid was a little right. Luke obviously didn’t know Noah all that well. But he was learning.    
  
***   
  
“So,” Reid obviously wasn’t a fan of small talk or preamble. Noah had learned this pretty quickly. “Anything new to report since your last appointment?”   
  
“No, not really.” In a way, Noah actually appreciated how straightforward the guy was.    
  
“Which is it, Mr. Mayer? No or not really?” he heard Reid move around a little bit before stepping close, touching the back of his head gently. Probably shining one of those stupid little pen lights in his eyes.   
  
“Depends,” he countered. “Which am I, Noah or Mr. Mayer?”   
  
Reid paused, and Noah fought back a smile. He really enjoyed, possibly too much, trying to throw Reid off his normal rhythm. It was fun. “Are you still insisting on me calling you Noah?”   
  
He shrugged a little, careful not to jostle his doctor’s arm. “If you keep calling me Mr. Mayer I’m going to be forced to call you Reid. Which would be awkward for the both of us.”   
  
“No argument on that one,” he heard Reid mumble. Which made him grin. At least until, “So the headaches haven’t gone away?”   
  
Noah waited until he felt Reid take a step back to answer. “No. But they haven’t really gotten worse, either.”   
  
“There’s that ‘really’ again.” He heard more movement, and strained his ears to try to figure out what it was. “I’m going to need one hundred percent disclosure here Mr. M- Noah, if I’m going to be able to treat you.”   
  
He bit back a sigh. “The pain hasn’t gotten worse,” he amended. “But I’ve been getting them more often. When I’m tired or stressed more than usual, stuff like that.”   
  
More movement around him. “Any loss of appetite? Problems with any motor functions, coordination?”   
  
He almost said no, but then remembered. “My hands. They shake sometimes.” He held still as the stethoscope slid past the hospital scrubs shirt he’s wearing. “But it’s nothing like it used to be; I’ve gotten way better. Just when I’m upset or stressed. Most of the time I don’t think it has anything to do with... this,” he gestured to his head.    
  
“Well, that’s why I’m the doctor and you’re the... whatever you are,” Reid snarked distractedly, as Noah heard him flipping through papers, scribbling something.   
  
“The guy who needs a doctor?” Noah supplied for him.    
  
“Exactly.” Reid finished up whatever he was doing, and Noah heard the  _click_  of his pen cap going back into place. “I’ll write you a prescription for a stronger painkiller. Not too strong,” he added quickly just as Noah was about to protest. “But enough to help you get to sleep faster. And I want you to come in next week for a new workup, some new tests. Are you available Tuesday?”   
  
Noah shook his head, searching for his shirt to change back into. “No, I’m having dinner at the farm,” he said without thinking.   
  
There was a moment between them, a pause, an acknowledgement of how weird that was and this was and how-did-this-happen... and then it was gone. “Wednesday, then. I want you in my office for some more tests.” He tapped Noah’s hand with a piece of paper. Noah instinctively took it, knowing it was his prescription. “In the meantime,” Reid warned. “Try to take it easy. With your condition, there’s no sense in tempting fate and aggravating your brain further.”   
  
Noah nodded, somber, for a second. “Wow, and not even a crack about how small or deformed my brain must be,” he deadpanned. He might’ve heard Reid give a snort of laughter at that and counted it as a victory.   
  
“Just get your small and deformed brain to my office on Wednesday. And take care of it until then. Otherwise you ruin my fun,” Reid followed him out of the exam room, into the hall. He was quiet for a moment for speaking again. "Does he- Do they know? About your condition, why you're my patient?"   
  
Noah shook his head, wanting to feel defiant and strong but just feeling tired. "They don't know I  _am_  your patient. No one does. No one needs to."   
  
Reid was quiet again. And then, instead of more questions or lectures or anything (though what did Noah expect?), he shrugged. “Have fun at the Walton Farm on Tuesday.” He awkwardly patted Noah on the shoulder and then his footsteps were echoing down the hall, barking orders at a poor, unsuspecting nurse along the way.   
  
Noah listened to him go, then shook his head. Oakdale was a fucking weird town.    
  
And he was pretty sure he didn’t mind one bit.   
  
***   
  
Luke entered Java, glancing around for Noah before he even knew what he was doing. Noah wasn’t there yet but, sadly, Mason was. The only bright spot was that he was getting ready to leave.    
  
“Mr. Snyder,” Mason drew the name out, sounding pleasant enough if it weren’t for the look in his eyes. “Fancy running into you here.”   
  
“Professor,” Luke put as much fake politeness into his tone as he could. The same exact tone Emma Snyder used when some old church lady tried to talk to her about morality and gay issues. The same tone Lucinda Walsh used when she was being offered a bad business deal and knew it.    
  
He was good at this tone.   
  
“Here to meet Noah?” Mason looked over his shoulder as though hoping he would appear.    
  
Luke fought the urge to step in his way again. “Yeah, we’re going to work on that final scene, I think.” He smiled sweetly. “I’m sure he or the director will contact you when we’re done.”   
  
Mason re-shouldered his messenger bag, eyes flashing for just a second. “I’m sure Noah will, too. He’s always so...  _easy_  to work with.”    
  
“He’s a good guy,” Luke said for God knows what reason. “And he’s just trying to get his movie made. Don’t make it more than that.”   
  
Mason actually laughed at him. “I don’t know when it was that you decided to appoint yourself as Noah’s protector, but I can assure you, it’s pointless. Noah’s a big boy. He can take care of himself. And he can choose who he spends time with all on his own.”   
  
“What’s that supposed to mean?”    
  
His smirk was just as annoying as his laugh. Just as insufferable. “I’m his co-producer for now. But once this film is done, it’s open season. Nothing you can do to stop me.”   
  
“Really?” Luke had to mock-laugh a little, kinda shocked at Mason’s audacity. “Does Noah know that?”   
  
“He will. Soon.” There was the tiniest of nods, and then Mason was gone, almost knocking into someone on his way out. Luke made a face at his retreating back, not caring if it was childish. He deserved it.   
  
“Duuuuuude,” It turned out Casey was the ‘someone’ Mason had run into. He now had both eyebrows raised, studying Luke. “That’s one of your best bitchfaces yet. Who was that guy? And why was he wearing a scarf in July?”   
  
“Mason Jarvis,” Luke spit out, rolling his eyes for good measure. “Noah’s producer.”   
  
“Oooh!” Casey whirled around, craning his neck to try to get another glimpse of the guy in Old Town. “That’s Professor Pretentious? Wow. He’s even worse than Noah described.”   
  
“Noah told you about him?” He leaned against the counter as Casey waited in line nearby.   
  
“Yeah,” Casey grinned. “He didn’t mention the scarf though. That’s kinda awesome. Do you think he has one for every day of the week? Or one that changes colors depending on his mood? I think I’d be kinda jealous of that one.”   
  
“So... so Noah’s not into him or anything?” Luke steered the conversation back to what was important. He cared about Noah and wanted what was best for him. That was why he cared so much about this, about him  _not_  being with Mason.   
  
“Dude, no way. He told me he...” Casey stopped, cocked his head, narrowed his eyes at Luke. “Wait. You hate the Scarf Man.”   
  
“Casey, I-”   
  
“You do. You hate the Scarf Man.” Casey pointed a finger at him, accusing and gleeful in one breath. “Don’t lie, I’m almost a lawyer. I’ll know. You hate him. Because he likes Noah.”   
  
“I didn’t say that!” Luke protested.   
  
“You don’t have to,” Casey took his coffee from the barista (a guy named Jeff, Luke had heard Noah ask his name last week), and did a little victory dance on his way over to Luke. “You don’t like Mason. Because you feel threatened by him. Because he likes Noah. Because  _you_  like Noah. Oh my God. This is awesome. I have to tell Maddie.”   
  
“Why Maddie? And I do not!”    
  
“Maddie and I talk all the time, you know that. And she already wants to meet Noah. If she knows that you dig him, she’ll totally-”   
  
“Casey,” Luke cut in, his voice sharp. “Simmer down. Noah’s my friend. Nothing more.”   
  
Casey stopped bouncing around him, but he was still smiling. It was almost gentle, which on Casey was just... weird. “Luke, buddy? From where I’m standing?” He patted Luke’s shoulder, then headed back towards the door, leaving Luke back at his table. “It’s not nothing.”   
  
***   
  
“I just think it’s important!” Noah insisted.   
  
“I agree with you, it is important,” Luke replied, sitting back down with their refills. “But you can’t make everything wrap up in a neat little bow. It’s not realistic.”   
  
Noah grimaced, cueing up the scene on his laptop again. The last scene for the film. “I don’t need it to be realistic. I need it to be, well, happy.”   
  
“There’s a difference between idealistic and naïve, Noah,” he pointed out. “People still need to be able to relate to it.”   
  
“Do you really think people can only relate to an ending that’s messy and unhappy?” Noah leaned back in his chair, more curious than offended.   
  
“I didn’t say that.” Luke frowned, trying to figure out what he  _was_  actually saying. “But making an ending too perfect kinda negates all the struggles they went through to get there.”   
  
“But making the ending too depressing makes the whole journey needless to begin with, doesn’t it? What’s the point of taking it if it doesn’t work out?”   
  
Luke sat back too. He hadn’t thought of that. “Well, maybe it could end well. With hope for fixing everything. But it can’t be perfect, Noah. Nothing real is.”   
  
Noah pursed his lips, thinking it over. “So we’re debating between writing for an audience and writing to our own beliefs, huh?”   
  
Did he do that thing with his lips just so Luke would stare at them? “And I think we’re both losing,” he half-joked, smiling at Noah’s laugh.    
  
“Snyder, what are you doing?” Noah shook his head a little.   
  
“What?”   
  
Noah shifted closer again, arms crossing on the tabletop. “You’re, like, insanely talented. And you love writing. And you can argue with me about it, and pick out every little thing I missed in a scene and know how to fix it... You’re a writer, Luke. You just are. Why aren’t you out there _being_  one?”   
  
“It’s complicated,” he mumbled now. Great. Yet another person to tell him-   
  
“It doesn’t have to be,” Noah argued. “No one can stop you from putting pen to paper. Or, I guess, finger to keyboard, I don’t know how you write. But,” he waved a hand to get himself back on track. “You’re a writer. Why can’t you see that?”   
  
“If everyone followed their childhood dreams, there’d be a lot of ninjas and astronauts in the world,” Luke pointed out, hoping to deflect away from-   
  
“This isn’t a childhood dream,” Noah wasn’t having it. “This is you.” He sat back, and Luke hurriedly took a sip of coffee, something to distract himself. “Haven’t you at least thought about it? If not going back to school, maybe taking a class somewhere, or writing freelance?” He smiled that tiny smile, the shy one, the one that sometimes made Luke dizzy and he didn’t know why. “You should think about it.”   
  
Luke thought about the argument he’d had with Damian that morning, when Damian realized Luke was blowing off a meeting with some CEOs so he could write with Noah. He thought about how Reid had started teasing him about writing in his ‘diary.’ And he thought about the pile of notebooks he now had hidden in his car, the pages and pages of writing he’d done in the last few weeks.   
  
And he smiled. “I’ll think about it.” The smile he got in return made it hard to breathe for a second. Confused, thrown, he went for another sip of his coffee. What the hell was that?   
  
Noah put his laptop in his bag, completely oblivious. “Well, I have to get back to work. Do you want to come over for dinner at my place sometime soon? We can work on building up your portfolio.”   
  
“Building up my...?” Luke laughed again. “I just said I’d think about it!”   
  
Noah winked. “Sure, sure.” He stood up, and was about to say something else when his foot caught on Luke’s bag on the floor, pitching him forward.   
  
“Whoa,” Luke stood in a flash, grabbing his arms to steady him. The force of his slightly heavier body drove Luke back a step, until he was leaning against the table, Noah almost completely in his arms. In his haste to steady himself- or both of them- Noah reached out, one of his hands on the table behind Luke, the other finding his waist.    
  
For a second, the world screeched to a halt and everything froze. And it was a long second, because Luke had also lost all concept of time. Noah was pressed into him from chest to thigh, aligned perfectly. Too perfectly. His lips were parted slightly, breathing hard, and for some reason he wasn’t moving away.    
  
Neither was Luke. His eyes darted back and forth between Noah’s dazed expression and that open mouth. He was breathing hard too. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t let go. He couldn’t stop staring.   
  
But then that second was finally over, and Noah was pulling away, righting himself, face flushed red. “Sorry,” he turned away, reaching for his bag. His hands were shaking.   
  
“It’s okay,” Luke breathed the word out, quiet. Confused. “Noah-”   
  
“So, um, dinner sometime?” When Noah turned back to him, he was in control again. Calm, giving nothing away. It gave Luke a jolt- how often was Noah hiding himself from the outside world?   
  
“Yeah, dinner. I’ll be there,” he recovered too, dropping his hands to his sides. They had still been stretched out. Towards Noah. Who was now walking out the door, gripping his cane a little tighter than normal.   
  
Yeah. He really did have a lot to think about, didn’t he?   
  
***   
  
His grandmother caught him ‘thinking about things’ a few days later. She entered the house as grandly as she ever did, raising an eyebrow when she found him on the couch, pen sticking out of his mouth, notebook and papers spread out in front of him. “Someone’s been busy,” she commented.   
  
He smiled. “Hi, Grandmother.” He stood up, kissed her cheek, and then checked the clock. He’d been at it for three hours, it probably was time to take a break.    
  
“What’s all this, darling?” Lucinda held onto his shoulder as she took a seat next to him.   
  
He gathered up everything hurriedly. “I’m, uh,” he smiled timidly. “I’m writing some stuff. Nothing big, just for fun.”   
  
Lucinda smiled wide, then hurriedly covered the expression. “I think that’s wonderful, my dear. Any particular reason why the bug has bitten you now?”   
  
He pictured Noah’s face and realized he was smiling wider. “A friend of mine kinda suggested it.”   
  
She chuckled in that way that only Lucinda Walsh could. Like she already knew the answers to every question in the world. “This friend wouldn’t happen to be a tall, blue-eyed friend with movies on the brain and a penchant for blushing, would it?”   
  
“What?” he stared at her, forgetting for a moment to cover up his writing. “How do you know Noah?”   
  
“Your mother and I met him at the Lakeview the other day,” she said. “He was having lunch with Tom and Kim. He’s a very nice young man,” she side-eyed him.   
  
“He is,” Luke agreed, keeping his voice neutral.    
  
“You’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately,” Lucinda continued, her voice just as neutral. It freaked him out. “How does Dr. Oliver feel about that?”   
  
“Noah and I aren’t like that,” he said hurriedly. “Reid has no reason to be jealous.”   
  
Her expression didn’t change, but somehow she looked more victorious anyway. “So he is jealous?”   
  
“I didn’t say that, Grandmother,” he said warningly, smiling in spite of himself. “He’s just... it’s weird. I like hanging out with Noah, he’s my friend. But Reid’s my boyfriend, and I, you know, have an obligation there too, you know?” he shook his head. “Why am I asking you if you know?  _I_  don’t even know what I’m talking about.”   
  
“I think you do.”   
  
He scrunched up one side of his face. “I like hanging out with him. He makes me feel better about myself, and he likes listening to me talk. But, like, look at Mom. She’s with Damian and friends with Dad and it looks way too complicated. Because Damian hates Dad and is always suspicious, for no reason at all. Mom never seems happy, and she’s trying so hard.”   
  
Lucinda was silent for a moment, studying him. It was always kinda scary when she did that. “I’m going to give you the same advice I recently gave someone else in this family, darling.” She touched his face, getting his full attention. “Don’t feel something out of obligation. Don’t force anything. If you’re happy, be happy. If you’re not happy, fix it.”   
  
“But-”   
  
She wasn’t done. “Furthermore?” She smiled again. “Don’t compare yourself to your mother. Don’t take any life lessons from her situation. Trust me, my boy. Everyone- including your mother- would be better off.”   
  
“This is going to drive me crazy,” he muttered, burying his face in his hands.    
  
He heard her laugh softly, more gentle than he usually gave her credit for. “Yes, it is. You’ll never get used to it, but it’s worth it when done right.” She patted the top of his head, standing and heading back into the rest of the house. “Welcome to adulthood, darling.”   
  
***   
  
Turned out they were both really good at forgetting. Or denial.   
  
“So I turn the heat down to simmer... and...” Luke looked back up at Noah. “Now what?”   
  
Noah grinned. “You wait for the sauce to, you know,  _simmer_ .”   
  
Luke smacked his arm lightly. “Smartass.” He took a step back as Noah moved towards the stove and expertly ran his hand along the counter, avoiding the burners, and picked up the ladle in the pot, stirring gently. “I’m not trying to be, like, ignorant here or anything, but I really can’t believe you can cook like this.”   
  
His hand paused in stirring. “Like what?”   
  
Realizing where Noah’s thought process was, Luke tried not to stutter or stumble. “Like, with multiple ingredients and more than three steps and complex processes and-”   
  
“Okay, okay,” Noah groaned. “Please don’t mock Blind Wonder Chef.”   
  
Luke snorted. “Please don’t call yourself Blind Wonder Chef.”   
  
Noah chuckled, throwing a dish towel in Luke’s general direction. Luke caught it, joining in on the laugh. He did that a lot around Noah- laugh.    
  
“I can’t do everything, obviously,” Noah said then, his voice softer. His focus on the dish in front of him allowed Luke to inch closer, studying him. “I mean, it’s not like I’m baking soufflés or decorating wedding cakes. I can’t do much of anything with the oven. But I can still use a stove. It takes practice, and some burns sometimes, but I can do it.”   
  
Luke studied him. “You miss it,” he realized gently. Noah looked like he wanted to protest, but just shrugged instead. “I’m completely dysfunctional when it comes to the, well, mental part of cooking, but I have hands and feet,” -and eyes, he didn’t dare say- “so I could help you if you ever want it.”   
  
Noah’s back was to him, stirring the sauce idly, but Luke kept his eyes on the straight, sturdy lines of his neck and shoulders. “Maybe,” came the short answer. “Maybe sometime.” And that was it, he went back to the stove in front of him.   
  
Luke watched in a little bit of wonder as Noah dipped his head, tasted the sauce, and then reached for the closest cabinet. He watched as Noah’s hand counted to the third spice container and pulled it out, fingers dancing across the Braille label. God, Noah had nice hands. A little worn and scarred, but... really nice to look at.   
  
“Okay,” Noah took a pinch of whatever spice it was and dropped it in the sauce, put the container back in the cabinet, and carefully stepped away from the stove. “Should be about twenty minutes before it’s ready. Pasta should be done by that time too.”    
  
“Cool,” he shuffled his feet a little, scuffing one sneaker along the tiled floor. He suddenly stopped and stared at the foot, surprised. He was nervous. That was a tic he’d always had, scuffing his foot.    
  
Why was he nervous?   
  
He glanced at Noah, who was now sitting at the small kitchen table, pulling on the cuffs of his sleeves, pushing them up and down, like he wasn’t sure if he was hot or cold. Luke smiled a little, sat down in the chair next to him. “This is another reason I don’t like cooking. I’m not good at waiting.”   
  
Noah crooked at eyebrow in his direction. “I’m really so surprised by that,” he replied, voice dry.   
  
“Shut up,” Luke went to smack him again, but his hand stayed on Noah’s arm for just a second too long. Just long enough to feel the arm underneath the flannel. The muscle. Just long enough to wonder what it looked like. What it felt like to-   
  
“Okay, I have to do this now or I never will.” Noah was suddenly standing, reaching out for the counter so he knew how far he could go.    
  
“Do... what?” Luke frowned, worried that Noah had felt that extra second too and was freaked out, maybe was about to ask him to leave and never come back.   
  
Noah visibly braced himself, took a deep breath, and let it out. Luke absolutely did  _not_  look at the way his chest rose and fell, stretching the t-shirt he was wearing. “I like you, Luke.”   
  
“That’s, that’s great.” Luke would’ve probably understood that sentence better if his heart wasn’t pounding so hard, distracting him.   
  
“No, Luke. I mean,” he smiled for a second. “It’s great, yeah. But not just ‘hey, you’re my buddy’ like. I, um,  _like_  you.” He rolled his eyes at himself. “And I can’t help it. We hang out all the time, but it’s like... like it’s not ever enough, you know?”   
  
Luke did know. And didn’t. Or didn’t want to. “Noah...”   
  
“I believe in being honest,” Noah barreled on. “I don’t have much, but I have that. And so I have to. Tell you, I mean. I have to tell you that I’m attracted to you.” He shrugged, scrunching up one side of his face. “There it is.”   
  
Luke’s heart was still way too loud. “I...” he shook his head, cleared his throat. “You’re attracted to me.” He wasn’t sure if he was asking or repeating.   
  
“Yeah,” Noah’s voice stayed on just this side of cracking.   
  
“You think I’m...?” he didn’t know how he was going to end that sentence, he really didn’t. He wasn’t really sure what he was saying. Not many people had ever just flat-out told him something like this. Not even Reid. “Not annoying?”   
  
“I think you’re beautiful,” came the soft response. Noah was facing away from him slightly, body turned towards the stove. And the door, like an escape route.   
  
Luke shuddered a little at that, letting himself react physically because he knew it wouldn’t be seen. Speaking of... “But you don’t know what I look like,” he mumbled without really thinking.   
  
Noah looked somewhere between wanting to laugh and wanting to run. “I’d like to think it can be based on more than just that,” his voice was still so quiet. “I like the way I feel around you. I don’t think I’ve ever felt it before.” His face darkened for a second, memories passing through that Luke had no hope of understanding, before Noah faced him again. “Me. I... feel like me.”   
  
Luke bit his lip to keep the sigh-gasp from escaping.  _God._  “Me too,” he admitted in a whisper.   
  
Noah rubbed at his forehead. “But I can’t. Shouldn’t,” he tried to explain. “God knows I don’t want to be attached to anyone like that again-”  _again?_  - “and you’re with someone, and I’ve always been better at being alone. I don’t know how to be-”   
  
This time Luke cut him off with a hand on his arm. He had no idea when he had stood up and joined Noah by the counter, but there he was. With a hand on Noah’s arm. The same arm he had felt earlier. The same muscle.   
  
The same thoughts.   
  
“Noah,” he said, much calmer than he probably should be.   
  
Noah hung his head. “I’m sorry.”   
  
He’d never seen Noah look so unsure before. “Noah,” he said again. Noah lifted his head just a little, biting the inside of his cheek. And Luke stopped thinking, instincts pushing him forward to meet Noah’s mouth with his own. It was soft, tentative, at first, and Noah pulled back in surprise after a few seconds.   
  
But before Luke could offer any words, even breathe, he was diving back in, and this time the kiss was heavy, was impassioned, was  _real_ . For a few moments, the kitchen and the world boiled down to his lips connected with Noah’s, to the way Noah’s mouth opened to his, how those hands he had been admiring were now gently framing his face.   
  
Good.  _God._   
  
He’d never been kissed like this before. Like he was something... precious, something to be taken care of. With Reid, it was always either full-on, battling passion or quick on-my-way-out-the-door kisses. Reid always said he’d been taken care of enough in his life, he was an adult now, it wasn’t a boyfriend’s job to do that anymore.   
  
Reid. Boyfriend. Shit.   
  
“Wait, wait,” Luke pulled back (not too quickly), trying to refill his lungs with air. He stared at Noah, at his still closed eyes and still partially puckered lips and  _almost_  kissed him again. “Fuck, we have to... we...”   
  
“I-” Noah stuttered right along with him. Neither of them seemed to know what to do or say.   
  
Luke realized he was almost shaking. “I, yeah, I...” he took another step back. He had to. “I’m sorry. I think I need to go.”   
  
“Go?” Noah’s brow creased, and Luke had to take yet another step back to keep himself from reaching up to smooth it away. “Are you-?”   
  
He couldn’t do this right now. “I just, I have to go. I’m sorry.”  _Please don’t try to stop me,_  he silently begged. If Noah did... he wasn’t sure whether he’d leave or not.   
  
Noah looked so sad, but just as unsettled as Luke felt. “Okay,” he finally said. “I’m sorry too.”   
  
"Please don't be sorry." He didn't know why he said it, but he had to. And he should've said something more too. Something. Anything. But instead he turned and stumbled out of the apartment, leaving behind Noah and that damn sauce still waiting to simmer.   
  
***   
  
And made it a whole thirty-three hours before running into Noah again.    
  
Luke stopped short, almost immediately blushing, when he walked out of Reid’s office and nearly into Noah’s chest. “Um. Hey.”   
  
“Luke?” Noah looked just as uncomfortable. “Hey.”   
  
There was a beat of silence between them, awkward for the first time ever. Luke bit the inside of his cheek nervously. “So, what are you doing here? Are you-” he tried to hide the sudden flash of panic. “Are you here to see Reid? For some reason?” For some unrelated-to-me-God-I-hope-so reason?   
  
“He’s one of my doctors,” Noah said slowly, almost reluctantly. “I’m just here for an appointment, that’s all.”   
  
“He’s what?” Luke couldn’t do much more than stare, wondering if (hoping) he had heard wrong. “Doctor?”   
  
Noah nodded, tilting his head a little in the office’s direction as if listening for anyone else around. Then he turned his attention to Luke again. “The reason I fell, hurt my shoulder last year? I didn’t just trip and fall like some hapless blind guy. I...” he stopped, took a deep breath.    
  
“Noah,” Luke said softly, hopefully steadily.  _You can tell me._  Though why on earth would Noah trust him?   
  
Yet for some strange reason, he apparently did. “There’s a block- a clot- in my brain,” he said so matter-of-factly. “From my accident. They couldn’t fix me up all the way, there was bleeding-” he cut himself off, then turned back to him again. “I get seizures sometimes. Not bad ones, but, you know...” he gestured to the direction of Reid’s office. “I see a doctor.”   
  
“Seizures?” Luke didn’t squeak. He didn’t. “You, you’re-” he shook his head to wake himself up. “Are you okay?”   
  
And for a second, Noah smiled. Beautiful. Sweet.  _Not yours._  “I’m fine,” he assured. “It’s not life-threatening. I just have to keep it monitored and stuff.”   
  
“Are you going to get better? Get it fixed?” Luke almost demanded.    
  
Noah just smiled again. “I’m fine, Luke,” he repeated, brushing Luke’s shoulder gently as he walked past him.   
  
It wasn’t until Noah was inside the office that Luke realized Noah never really answered the question. And it was several minutes after that, as he was reaching for the door of his car, that he realized he’d left his keys with Reid. Great.   
  
There was a more-than-brief hesitation before he finally knocked on the door, easing it open, trying to keep his voice perfectly casual. “Reid? I think I left my-”   
  
Reid wasn’t there, just Noah. Just Noah, perched on the edge of the exam table that took up one corner of Reid’s office, changing into a hospital-issued-scrubs shirt. Just Noah, chest bare and arms stretched as he pulled free of his sleeves. Just Noah. That was it.   
  
Luke swallowed hard. Because, well,  _damn_ .    
  
Did Noah really have no idea that he looked like this? No fucking wonder Mason always looked like he wanted to jump him. Hidden underneath far too many layers of shirts, Noah was... okay, the word ‘fuckable’ came to mind, but that was only because Luke’s brain wasn’t working to its full strength. Not overly muscular, but well-defined, slim and toned. Jesus. It almost wasn’t fair.   
  
“Hello?” Noah was frowning in his direction, guarded and shy. His hands moved halfway to the scrubs shirt, as though undecided on whether to grab the shirt and put it on or just cross his arms to cover up.   
  
Luke kinda hoped for the latter. Because  _arms_ . “It’s m-” Did Noah know him well enough by now to recognize his voice? “It’s Luke. I left my keys in here, sorry.”   
  
“Oh,” Noah swallowed in much the same way Luke had. “Okay.” Luke watched as his face went shuttered, closed off, and the scrubs shirt was pulled close to him like a shield. “He went to get my test results,” he answered the question Luke hadn’t asked.   
  
“Oh, okay,” Luke could only repeat Noah’s words back to him. He cleared his throat, tore his eyes away ( _chest, collar bone, abs, arms_ ) and moved to Reid’s desk, finding his keys. By the time he turned back around, the scrubs shirt was on and Noah’s face was even more distant than it had been before. It looked like it did whenever he talked about his past, his accident. Whenever he was hiding.   
  
Luke couldn’t believe that it actually hurt to see.   
  
“Luke. Um, we...” Noah bit his lip, and Luke forced himself not to remember what those lips tasted like. “We need to talk about what happened the other day.”   
  
“Yeah, I guess we do.” He took a few steps closer, but made sure to stay a safe distance away.   
  
Safe enough for both of them.   
  
Noah squared his shoulders, in that way he did whenever he was being decisive. “I’m- I’m not sorry I said what I said. I stand by it.” And just as Luke’s heart pounded at that (which was dumb, because he shouldn’t want Noah to want him), Noah continued. “But I think it would be best- for both of us- if we forget it happened. Everything that happened.”   
  
And just as quickly, that confusing hope in him died. Oh. “That’s probably a good idea,” he said quickly, to cover his hesitancy. And if Noah maybe flinched a little at that, Luke decided not to acknowledge it. “I’m-”  _a mess_  “-with Reid. Who’s your doctor. And you’re my friend, and I don’t want-”  _to screw you up_  “-to risk ruining our friendship like that.”   
  
“Yeah,” Noah’s voice was so soft now, Luke couldn’t tell if he was relieved or sad or both or neither. Which, if you mixed all those in a pot together, was how he was feeling right now. “I guess it’s not worth the risk.”   
  
He breathed deeply around a sudden, illogical pain to his chest. Strangely, possibly stupidly, he found himself moving closer to Noah, as though to kiss him again. His hand reached out, centimeters away from Noah’s unsuspecting face, when the door opened. Luke jumped back, and Noah frowned at the sudden noise so close to him, confused.   
  
“All right, Mr. Mayer, your latest results pretty much confirm what I-” Reid looked up from the chart, surprised. Maybe even, already, a little suspicious. “Luke?”   
  
Luke threw a smile onto his face hastily, holding up his keys. “Forgot my keys,” he explained, stepping between both of them to reach the door. He practically fled out of the office and back to his car and, against all logic, the only question in his head was,  _Why would Noah want to forget that I kissed him?_


	3. Three

Luke tossed his suit jacket into the backseat probably a little harder than necessary. It wasn't the jacket's fault, after all, that he had nearly screwed up a major acquisition for Grimaldi today because he'd put off the necessary paperwork until the last minute.   
  
The worst part? Luke still kinda didn't care. And that made him feel just a little bit like shit.   
  
As did his backseat, because he hadn't cleaned it out in weeks, and still flung across one side was his jacket from the night he and Noah had been stranded in the rain. He stared at it, hurriedly deciding that he wouldn't allow his writer-brain to assign it a metaphor (discarded, ignored, enticing, constant, tempting, comfortable, comforting, unbelievably hot arms-  _no_ ).   
  
His phone rang as he slid into the driver's seat, and he welcomed the distraction. "Hello?"   
  
"For supposedly being my best friend and main link to Oakdale," Maddie was already lecturing. "You sure are bad at delivering the gossip."   
  
He frowned, suspicious. "What?"   
  
"Don't 'what' me, Snyder," she said, mock-stern. "Big major news, and you don't call me? I'm hurt."   
  
_How could she possibly know about Noah?_  he internally freaked. He decided, as always, it was best to play dumb. "Maddie, I don't know what you're talking about." He was fairly proud of how steady his voice was.   
  
She sighed. "Casey and Alison. No longer together. Relationship kaput.  _That_  gossip. You're supposed to tell me these things, Luke!"   
  
"Wait,  _what?_ " Luke nearly steered the car into a front lawn. Righting himself, "Casey and Ali broke up? When? Why?"   
  
There was another moment's pause. "Allow me to reiterate my 'you're supposed to tell me these things because I don't know' statement from like ten seconds ago!" He could picture her rolling her eyes.   
  
He didn't shake his head, only because he couldn't see her. (He wouldn't admit that he was used to it now from hanging out with Noah.) "Madds, I had no idea. What the fucking... how did you find out?"   
  
"I just got off the phone with Henry,  _he_  heard it from Katie and Chris." Finally, her voice softened, dramatics gone. "I want to call him, but I probably shouldn't. Do you think he's okay?"   
  
Luke glanced in his rearview mirror, pulling a quick U-turn and heading in the direction of Casey's apartment. "I'm going to go find out."   
  
"Good," she sounded even more relaxed at that, mollified. "So. Any other gossip you don't know about that I should?"   
  
"I'm not even going to attempt to deconstruct that sentence," he mumbled.   
  
"Don't fake-answer my question, Snyder. I know that tone." He could picture her bouncing excitedly now. "What's the sitch?"   
  
"Nothing," he (stupidly) answered too quickly.   
  
"Nothing, eh? This wouldn't have anything to do with the P.Y.T. that moved in next door to Casey, would it?"   
  
"No, I'm... it's just that- with everything... and I- he's just..." Luke let out a groan, pulling into the apartment complex's parking lot. "The 'sitch' is really hard to figure out right now, Maddie."   
  
He could hear her smile through the phone line. "Well, figure it out. And then call me and explain everything. And send pictures if you can. This guy sounds hot."   
  
"Not. Helping," he pointed out, exiting the car and heading for Casey's place.   
  
"I mean, tall dark and blue-eyed? Great smile, great body? Sounds like he's-"   
  
"And why exactly do you need me for gossip? You seem to be getting along just fine as it is," Luke interrupted, desperate to get the conversation away from Noah.   
  
"I think Casey's developing a mancrush, he's mentioned Noah a few times," she explained, sobering up at his name again. "Look, I'll stop third degreeing you and let you go. Just, let me know that Case is okay, okay?"   
  
He had to smile. This was all Maddie. God, sometimes he missed her. She'd probably kick his ass every day until he was up to her standards again.   
  
Hell, she'd probably get along great with N-   
  
"I will, I promise," he assured, bounding up the stairs to Casey's door, hanging up and knocking at the same time. He was surprised that Casey answered right away, and he didn't look like a wreck. Not 'party down' awesome or anything, but not a wreck either.   
  
"You heard, huh?" Casey attempted a smile.   
  
Luke nodded. "Not everything, though. What happened?" And then, wanting to kick himself, "Are you okay?"   
  
The smile was a little fuller. "I'll be okay. It was for the best, man."   
  
"What happened?" he asked again, following his friend into the apartment.   
  
Casey stopped him from heading to the living room with a shake of his head. "We're in the kitchen, come on."   
  
"We?" Luke frowned, and then frowned harder when he saw Noah nursing a beer bottle, leaning back against the kitchen counter. "Oh."   
  
At the sound of his voice, Noah went pale, backing up the only inch he could. "Hey."   
  
His voice sounded way too casual, and Luke wanted to glare. "Hi." He saw the muscle in Noah's jaw tighten and felt irrationally better.   
  
If Casey noticed any tension there, he didn't show it. "Thanks for coming by, Luke, but I swear I'm... well, it sucks right now, but it's for the best. Really." He nodded over to Noah as if asking for confirmation on that.   
  
This time, irrationally, Luke was annoyed on Noah's behalf that Casey didn't remember that Noah couldn't see the gesture. And then he was annoyed with himself for caring. And confused about just why he was so mad at anything to begin with.   
  
Casey was still talking. "We just, we weren't right for each other. I think we were only together for the sake of being together, you know? I probably love her, but not in the way a boyfriend's supposed to."   
  
Luke didn't flinch. But just barely.  _Nope, no parallel to see here, not at all._  He glanced at Noah instead, a strange thought starting to brew in his mind. "You've never mentioned any of this before."   
  
"I should have," Casey countered. "You can't tell me everyone else in this town hasn't been thinking it."   
  
True, Luke couldn't argue there. But still, "What changed?"   
  
Casey made his way over to the counter, leaning back next to Noah, their shoulders barely brushing. Luke didn't know whether to be annoyed at the touch or curious as to when these two became so close. And, slightly bitter, wondering why Noah was okay with shoulder-brushing Casey but wanted to forget kissing Luke.   
  
Once more oblivious, Casey added insult to injury by clapping Noah on the back. "Noah and I were talking about stuff the other night, and-"   
  
_What stuff?_  Luke wanted to shout.  _Me? About me kissing him? About his life before Oakdale? About whatever it is that has him so closed off and stupidly self-sufficient? About what it could possibly be that he sees in me that makes him want me?_   
  
"He helped me realize," Casey had no idea about the crazy thoughts screaming in Luke's brain. "That me and Ali are better off parting ways now, before we got stuck in this relationship. He helped me realize I didn't really want to be with Ali, that I wasn't, like, rainbows-and-Disney-songs in love with her. That it wasn't her I really wanted to be with."   
  
Luke winced. "He did, did he?" he studied Noah again, noticing the tense, self-conscious set of his shoulders. Well then. Interesting.   
  
"Yeah," Casey, forever unaware, kept on going. "I kinda owe you, Noah. Otherwise, Ali and I might've stayed together and ended up completely miserable."   
  
"You don't owe me," Noah mumbled. "I didn't do anything but listen to you."   
  
"Dude, you steered me straight!" Casey almost got a full grin on his face. "In a manner of speaking." He knocked Noah's shoulder playfully, then turned back to Luke. "And really dude, thanks for coming over. But I'm kicking you both out. I'm exhausted, I have to get up early tomorrow and no doubt deal with my mom finding out about all this."   
  
"Sure, of course," Luke brought a smile back to his face, nodded, shared a quick hug with Casey. And he watched as Casey and Noah hugged too, and managed to keep the smile on his face (for Casey's benefit) when he turned to Noah. "Want me to walk you back to your place?"   
  
"Luke," Casey chuckled. "Noah's been back and forth between our places enough times to literally walk it blind."   
  
"Still," Luke reached out, squeezed Noah's forearm in a way that was both gentle and  _you-better-play-along_ , and shrugged to Casey. "It makes me feel useful for once."   
  
"Okay," Noah answered quietly. Luke realized he'd barely spoken the whole time. "Night, Casey."   
  
"Night guys," Casey waved tiredly from his door as they left and headed to Noah's apartment.   
  
They reached Noah's door in about four seconds. Noah fumbled with his keys, and Luke finally let go of his arm. Noah bit his lip, the muscle in his jaw still jumping with apprehension. "Thanks, but you didn't have to walk me-"   
  
"Invite me in, Noah."   
  
Noah covered his shock pretty well. "What?"   
  
Luke crossed his arms. "Invite me in. We need to talk. I need some answers. Invite. Me. In."   
  
Maybe Noah wasn't used to people talking to him this way, or maybe following orders was still somehow ingrained in him, but a moment later they were both in his apartment, the front door shutting and locking and cutting them off from the outside world. Noah hung his keys up on a hook by his light switch, and after a second of almost-forgetting, turned the lights on for Luke.   
  
Without speaking, they went into the living room, Noah sitting on the couch while Luke kept himself sane by pacing lightly.   
  
Noah listened to his footsteps. "You're pissed at me."   
  
"Damn right I am!" Luke stopped pacing, standing in front of him.   
  
"Why?" Noah was still so fucking calm, Luke wanted to scream.   
  
"Because... because of a lot of things!" he burst out. "How dare you get into Casey and Ali's business and  _break them up_ , like their relationship means nothing. It's none of your business! You can't act like you know what's best for everyone and interfere because you feel like it."   
  
"I didn't just 'feel like it,'" Noah quoted. "I wasn't interfering. I was listening to my neighbor, who I actually kinda care about, go on and on about a relationship he obviously wasn't happy in. Or meant to be in. I just tried to help make him happier. It was his decision to break up with Ali."   
  
"Their relationship was none of your business," Luke said again. "Just because you disapprove or think something about it, doesn't make it true. Doesn't make it okay for you to... to get involved."   
  
"Are we really talking about Casey and Ali?" Noah quirked an eyebrow.   
  
"Yes," he answered stubbornly, not liking where this was suddenly going.   
  
"Sure we are," Noah stood up slowly. Too gracefully, too knowingly. "Then I'll just say this. 'Casey' and 'Ali' aren't right for each other. And there's nothing wrong with ending a relationship because of that. They can love each other and not be in love. They don't have to be together just because it's convenient or seems like what they're supposed to do to be grownups."   
  
Luke really winced now. "You have no right to stick your nose in stuff that doesn't concern you," he growled.   
  
"It does concern me."   
  
"How?" Luke pushed.   
  
"Because I want to be with you!"   
  
It was dead silent for however long it took Luke to finally catch his breath. "No."   
  
“He’s not right for you,” Noah continued like he hadn’t heard Luke. “And know what? You’re not right for him either. You’re... you’re too similar in some ways-”   
  
“No,” he tried again weakly.   
  
“-And too different in others, and he- you-” Noah shook his head, dared to come closer. “You want family. You want to be creative and dream and hope for things that you’re not supposed to. He doesn’t. You shouldn’t be with him.”   
  
It was just too much. And Noah was too close. Luke let that anger that always simmered below the surface rise up and help him shove Noah back a few feet from him. “It’s none of your fucking business!” his voice rose, out of his control.   
  
“You kissed me!” Noah possibly shouted back. He stepped close again, and maybe it was a sixth sense or he was just extra-aware of Luke’s body, but he managed to get just inches away. “You spend time with me, and you seem to like me, then you kiss me and run out, and then get pissed at me for liking you back? Guess what, it’s my fucking business.”   
  
“I don’t need you or your preaching, got it?” Luke meant to shove him again, he really did, but for some reason he took a step back instead.   
  
“Yeah, you don’t need me,” Noah smiled, but there was nothing sweet or happy about it. It was sad and angry and frustrated and confused and hurt and everything Luke was feeling too. “But you want me.”   
  
“No I don’t,” he argued.   
  
“You kissed me,” Noah said again, sounding like the words were tearing out of his throat.   
  
“I don’t want you!” Luke shouted. He threw his hands out to push Noah in the chest, but Noah caught them and held on, scowling. Luke glared right back, breathing hard, his hands trapped flat against Noah’s chest. They were standing inches apart. Noah’s eyes, while useless to Noah, were still a too-bright blue that captured Luke’s attention.   
  
“You don’t?” Noah whispered. “Because I-”   
  
Luke couldn't free his hands, but he didn't need to. He surged forward into Noah, their mouths meeting in a messy, bruising kiss. Teeth scraping lips, Luke couldn’t tell whose were whose. For as sweet as that first kiss had been, this was... this was primal. Hungry.   
  
His hands were still trapped between them, until Noah got with the program, searching until he found Luke’s hips and anchored tightly. Luke grabbed at his neck and hair and face, holding on for dear life.   
  
Noah did the pushing this time, shoving until Luke’s back met the wall behind him. Hard. It would’ve knocked the breath out of him, but his lungs had already pretty much stopped working. Any air he needed he got from Noah.   
  
Noah made this sound, almost a moan, almost an exhale, through the kiss, pressing into Luke as much as Luke was pulling him close. One of his legs, so fucking long, Jesus, managed to push itself between both of Luke’s, producing the most amazing friction. Their hips rocked together by instinct or necessity or both. Luke didn’t care.   
  
He twisted his fingers tighter into that dark hair, holding on to keep his knees from buckling under him. He groaned into Noah’s mouth, sliding his tongue across lips and teeth and further in, wanting to taste more. He wanted more of everything.   
  
Soon he had Noah pushed flat onto the floor, and they quite possibly knocked something off a nearby table or the wall behind him along the way. (He didn’t really know. There was a distant sound of a crash, but he didn’t have the capacity to check and see what it was.)   
  
“Luke,” Noah breathed out around his lips.   
  
“Shut up,” Luke murmured into his jaw, his neck, lower. As though that made sense. What didn’t make sense was the clothing in his way, so it had to go. He unbuttoned Noah’s shirt in world record time. His hands weren’t shaking. They weren’t shaking when he pulled off his own shirt, his own pants, helped Noah yank off his too. This was a runaway train now. There weren’t even tracks to jump off of, Luke was acting all on his own. This was going somewhere new.   
  
He didn’t want to stop.   
  
In another blink of an eye, they were both naked, and Luke was straddling Noah’s hips, and he didn’t even take the time to properly ogle that chest and torso, finally on real display for him. He didn’t have time now. He needed something else. More.   
  
It was like a time warp in this place, it really was. A frenzy. Because he had no idea how he went from that to  _this_ \- leaning over the longest body possibly on record, opening himself, nearly dying on the spot when Noah's talented fingers traced his hip, traced lower, found  _his_ fingers and joined him there. There was lube and a condom- where they came from he sure as hell didn't know- and then he was fucking himself on Noah’s cock as Noah arched under him, grasping wildly at his thighs, his hips, wherever he could.   
  
Both of them moaning, both of them leaning in close to steal kisses, losing all track of time and reality. When they came, it was almost together and it was almost the relief Luke didn’t know he needed. He managed to pull off of Noah and collapse downward, those fantastic fucking arms catching him and holding him steady.   
  
He caught his breath, finally, and turned his head just enough to see Noah’s face. “You kissed me too,” was all he could think to say.   
  
Noah’s face was still flushed from exertion, and it colored a little more at that. “I know.”   
  
Luke got enough strength back to prop himself up on his elbows, leaning in. His fingers grazed Noah’s arm back and forth, causing them both to shiver. “I think I'm okay with that. And this."   
  
"I know," Noah said it with an attempt at a smirk, but Luke could hear the 'me too' in it.   
  
He smiled. "Want to do it again? I have a little while before I have to meet Reid at-”   
  
And that was probably the stupidest thing he could say. Judging by the way Noah tensed and closed his eyes, he obviously agreed. Luke opened his mouth to try to fix it, or apologize, or say something, but Noah beat him to it. “That’s okay. You should probably go now.”   
  
“Noah, I-”   
  
“You should go,” Noah repeated. “I wouldn’t want to be the reason you keep your boyfriend waiting.”   
  
“I didn’t mean-” Luke tried to protest. Because if he was honest with himself, he wanted to stay here. Right here, with Noah’s arm around his back, holding him close. Where everything just seemed safer and easier. He wanted Noah to ask him to stay.   
  
But when had things ever been easy? Noah was pulling away, sitting up, hands helplessly searching for his clothes. “You can go.”   
  
Luke sat up slowly, trying not to sigh, not wanting Noah to hear it. “Here,” he tentatively took Noah’s hand, ignored its shaking, and guided it to his clothes. Then picked up his own. “Noah, really, I’m-” He stopped. What was he?   
  
Noah nodded, fumbling with his jeans. “Me too. You have a boyfriend. This was a mistake.”   
  
_Was it?_  Luke wanted to ask. And needed an answer. But instead he pulled his clothes on, keeping one eye on Noah the entire time, half-hoping Noah would stop, ask him to stay.   
  
He wanted to stay.   
  
But he had to leave.   
  
***   
  
It weighed on him for days. He had cheated on his boyfriend, and one of the worst parts was- he wanted to do it again. He didn’t want to  _cheat_  again, God no, but... he wanted to see Noah. Talk to him. They had been avoiding each other since that night, and Luke didn’t know what to do.   
  
He had been sitting at home, unable to get himself to go to Grimaldi Shipping. Or the hospital. Or his foundation office. He was jittery but lethargic and... he felt uncomfortable in his own skin.   
  
He needed help.   
  
And it took a few more minutes for him to figure out what to do. Or, more accurately, where to go.   
  
The farm. It had been way too long since he’d had some Snyder therapy, and now seemed like the perfect time for it. Luke grabbed his keys and headed out.   
  
He was halfway nervous to see his mother’s car parked there by the porch ( _she never comes here anymore_ ), but the sound of friendly, relaxed voices coming from the barn eased his mind somewhat. He ducked his head in cautiously and ended up staring in mute shock.   
  
Holden was there, of course, standing by Galway’s stall, as relaxed and comfortable as always. It was his element, his universe in here. (Luke wondered if he’d ever find his own.) What shocked Luke was the person standing with Holden.   
  
Noah.   
  
Holden had a hand on his shoulder, steering him closer to the stall, talking quietly. Noah was nodding along, an intense look of focus on his face. The look gave way to a cautious smile when Holden took his hand and guided it outward, placing it on Galway’s nose.   
  
Galway snorted, and Noah’s smile grew big and beautiful as the horse butted his hand gently, wanting more attention and contact. Noah asked something softly, Holden answered, and then Noah was reaching with both hands, carefully running them along Galway’s face and neck.   
  
Luke kept watching as Holden and Noah continued to talk, knowing instinctively that Holden was explaining how to feed and care for the stable brood, stories behind their names, all the things he used to teach Luke. When was the last time Luke had hung out in the barn with his dad? Too long.   
  
Noah was brushing at Galway’s back now, saying something to Holden that got him laughing. Luke almost  _ached_  with a want to be in on the joke, to hear it and make jokes and make them laugh. To spend time with either of these two, here, doing something he used to love. He couldn’t picture Damian here. He couldn’t picture R-   
  
A hand on his shoulder thankfully cut off that thought. He turned to face his mother, offering a smile and following when she beckoned him back out to the driveway.   
  
“Hi, sweetie, I didn’t know you were here!” she hugged him.   
  
“Why are you here?” he asked confused. “And with Noah?” Hey, his voice didn’t crack on the name. That was pretty awesome.   
  
“I had to pick up Nat and Ethan, and since he was with me he came along for the ride. Holden wanted to introduce him to the horses.” She smiled fondly, but at what Luke couldn’t tell. Noah? The kids? Holden?   
  
“He was with you?” Okay, he really had missed something.   
  
Lily smiled at him again, but it had turned slightly quizzical. “Noah’s not working for Tom Hughes anymore, Kim and I got him a job at WOAK. He didn’t tell you?”   
  
“No,” Luke tried to cover. “I haven’t had a chance to see him in a few days.” He cleared his throat. “He’s going to work for you?”   
  
“Yes,” Lily started to head towards the house. “With all the drama at the hotel lately, I need some extra help around at the studio. He seems like a perfect fit for it, and he made it seem like he wants to stay in Oakdale after his film is finished.”   
  
“He does?” Luke stopped at that, in the middle of the driveway. Noah wanted to stay in Oakdale. Stay near him? Maybe.   
  
It wasn’t like he could actually ask Noah that, of course.   
  
“I think he really likes it here,” she said, nodding towards the barn. “Go say hi, we have to get back soon. The Lakeview has been so crazy. I swear to God, if that madame-woman-whoever thinks she can run her damn brothel from  _my_  hotel, I’ll-” She shook her head, stopped herself. “Sorry honey. Anyway, he’s in the barn, go say hi!”   
  
She went into the house to collect the kids, and Luke turned back to the barn. From the open doorway, he could hear Noah and Holden talking quietly, in that soft-spoken way they both had. Maybe that’s why they got along so well, when Holden and Luke couldn’t be in the same room without getting tense, when Noah and Luke couldn’t be in the same room without-   
  
Luke turned again, heading down the path back to his mother’s house. He couldn’t do anything.   
  
***   
  
It wasn’t often that Reid was actually excited about going to work or seeing a patient. Especially not in this town, where every case was either mind-numbingly mundane or the result of some twisted, barely-believable story that made him wish for his own brain hemorrhage.   
  
But today, today he wanted to be here. With the shitty way some things were going in his life, he couldn’t wait for this. He just had to find...   
  
“Noah,” he called out, rounding the corner of the physical therapy wing. There was his patient, saying goodbye to a therapist and preparing to leave. His curiosity peaked when Noah tensed far too noticeably as he turned towards Reid. “I need to speak with you. Now.”   
  
“C-can it wait?” Noah looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here.   
  
Reid frowned; Noah was never this nervous around him. It was... intriguing. And misplaced. “No. This is important.”   
  
Noah let out a breath slowly, as though he’d been holding it for minutes. Reid’s frown deepened, but he held his ground. Noah nodded a moment later, looking like he was bracing himself for his death. Which was just plain stupid, in Reid’s opinion. “Okay.”   
  
Reid touched his shoulder, directed him into an empty room where they wouldn’t be disturbed. Noah just seemed to get tenser and tenser, but said nothing. Still waiting, bracing himself. “I’ve been researching your condition,” he began without preamble. “And I think I know how to fix it.”   
  
Noah just stared (in a manner of speaking). Quiet, shocked. “What?” he finally choked out.   
  
“Much like a god, I can make you see again,” Reid said with no little amount of satisfaction. “There’s a new procedure- experimental, sure- but I can do it.”   
  
“Surgery?” Noah shook his head, as though finally bringing himself into the conversation. What the hell had he thought Reid was going to talk about?   
  
“Yes. It’ll remove the clot, stop the seizures, Noah- it’ll restore your sight.” Reid rocked back a little on his heels, satisfied. A complicated procedure, nearly unprecedented, saving a life, making the blind see again, it was the type of challenge he loved.   
  
“It will? Or it could?” Noah asked, still far too quiet. Why wasn’t he celebrating? Thanking Reid for his brilliance? “How experimental is it?”   
  
Reid couldn’t lie, especially not to this guy. “I can’t say it will, of course. Not even an appendectomy is one hundred percent foolproof. But this- Noah, you know I’ll do this right. It _should_  work. A month from now, you could be reading the fine print of your hospital bills. Watching those boring movies of yours in high definition.” He quirked half a smile, his version of giddiness. “So?”   
  
Noah bit his lip. Then, “No.”   
  
Maybe he had heard wrong. “Excuse me?”   
  
Noah shook his head. “No thank you. I don’t want to.”   
  
Or maybe Noah had heard wrong. “Do you not understand what I’m telling you? I can  _fix_  you. Fix everything. All your problems? Gone. All you have to do is-”   
  
“I understood,” Noah’s voice got that steely edge to it, the one Reid recognized as trying not to show any emotion. He’d used that voice when Reid asked how he had become blind to begin with. “But you can’t fix everything. Definitely not me. So, no thank you. I have to go.”   
  
Reid stood there in, well, shock. Watching Noah make his way to the door, easily find the knob and exiting without another word. Noah refusing the surgery had certainly not been something he was expecting.   
  
Goddamn Noah Mayer. He hated not being right.   
  
***   
  
“So, that’s it?” Casey stared, his mouth half-stuffed with the last of his fries. “You just... you just said no, and that’s it?”   
  
Noah shrugged. “It’s my decision. So yeah.” His hand ran along the edge of his plate until it connected with the glass next to it. He lifted his milkshake, took a few careful sips. Casey noticed that all his movements were careful right now. Controlled.   
  
So. Something was definitely up.   
  
“Why?” he asked, keeping his voice quieter and calm. Maybe if Noah actually realized he wasn’t judging him, he’d actually open up.   
  
“Casey,” Noah’s voice held a hint of warning, a hint of exhaustion, and a hint of something else he couldn’t figure out just yet.   
  
He shook his head. “Nuh-uh, buddy. You brought it up. You’re not getting away with it that easy. Talk to me. Why are you saying no?”   
  
“I’m...” he let out a breath, tried again. “It’s not worth the risk. Okay? It’s a crazy-dangerous procedure, crazy-expensive, and the likelihood that it will actually work is-”   
  
“Is more than not doing the surgery at all,” Casey interjected. “And there are ways of paying for it, and-”   
  
Noah interrupted him right back, the smile on his face just as tight as his movements. “It’s not worth it,” he repeated.   
  
“Says you?” he semi-accused. He glared more out of spite than anything else, part of him believing that Noah could sense it. He studied him again, eyes narrowing. “Is there something else going on that I don’t know about?”   
  
“I bet there’s a lot going on in the world that you don’t know about,” Noah bantered back half-heartedly.   
  
Casey ignored him. “Last couple days, you’ve been a little more... distracted. If there’s anything you want to talk about...” he purposefully trailed off, leaving the discussion open. Hoping...   
  
Noah opened his mouth, suddenly looking more tired and conflicted than Casey had ever seen him. “I, I really-” then he cut himself off, grimacing an apology. “I can’t. I’m sorry, really I am, but I can’t.”   
  
“So...” Casey drew the word out, sat back, and crossed his arms. “So, basically you want to tell me, but for some reason feel like you can’t. Meaning there’s someone else involved in this drama. Would this someone be blond, striped-shirted, with a penchant for being a bit of a princess sometimes?”   
  
Noah almost choked on his milkshake, yet his face stayed oh so carefully neutral. “No comment.”   
  
“Hot  _damn_ !” Casey just barely managed to keep his voice down. He almost wanted to swing his hands in the air and- what was that word Maddie and Gwen used to use? oh yeah- flail everywhere. “Are you two-”   
  
“No.” Noah silenced him with one word. “We’re not. Can’t be.”   
  
“Does he know about the surgery? What did he say?” Casey tried to contain his excitement. _Yes. This. This is what I wanted to happen._   
  
“Casey,” Noah tried again, shaking his head, pulling out his cane. He stood quickly, and for some reason Casey wasn’t at all surprised he’d already somehow left his money for the lunch on the table. “I have to go.”   
  
Casey reached out to try to stop him, “Dude, hey, I-” but his hand just grabbed air. He tried again. “Noah.”   
  
But Noah was out of reach, in so many ways. “I’ll talk to you later.” He never said ‘see you later.’ Never. Like he didn’t want it pointed out, or he didn’t want other people to hear it and feel awkward. Casey kinda hated that. He hated that Noah put so much effort into that. And he hated that Noah was already out the door.   
  
It felt like all of Al’s was staring at him, which he knew wasn’t true. He groaned softly to himself. There  _had_  to be a way to get through to that guy. He turned to head to the counter to settle the check... and came face to face with that possible ‘way.’   
  
He kept himself from glaring. Because really, this whole thing was probably a shitshow that he only knew the iceberg-tip of. And he should probably cut people some slack. But still. There were problems that needed fixing, and people that needed helping, and if it were up to Casey he knew exactly what he would do.   
  
He leveled a mostly mature and calm gaze at Luke, who was sitting at the counter with wide, troubled eyes, having overheard everything. “Luke,” he said steadily, following it up with the  _one thing_  he’d been trying to tell Luke for the past two years- “Do something.”   
  
***   
  
Luke stood outside the door for a moment, stomach twisting and knotting, before wiping his hands on his jeans and knocking lightly. His heart beat a little faster at the sound of footsteps inside coming closer.   
  
The door opened as far as its chain would allow. “Hello?” Noah asked, cautious and weary.   
  
“H-hey,” Luke stayed where he was, quiet, just as cautious. He purposefully did  _not_  look at the base of Noah’s throat, visible through undone buttons on Noah’s shirt. Where there were the tiniest of marks. That Luke had made with his teeth. He shook his head. “It’s L-”   
  
“What are you doing here, Luke?” Noah cut him off. Not harsh or rude in any way, but not putting up with much either.   
  
“I...” What explanation could he give, when he really didn’t know why he was here? “Can I come in?” Anything had to be better than awkwardly standing in the hallway.   
  
Noah stared blankly for a minute, biting the inside of his cheek, and then slowly shut the door. Luke was about to worry that that was it, when he heard the chain  _click_  and slide out of place. The door opened once again, Noah just barely visible behind it, beckoning him in.   
  
“Thanks,” he said softly. He didn’t dare look around as he walked into the living room, sitting on the couch. Nothing that might remind him of the other night. He kept his hands firmly in his lap, focusing on Noah as he sat down next to him. Noah’s eyes. “You should do the surgery.”   
  
Noah’s head whipped up sharply. “What?”   
  
Luke kept his voice firm. “I heard about what Reid wants to do. And that you said no.”   
  
“And what?” Noah asked. “You came over here to tell me what to do?”   
  
“Kinda,” he admitted. “I know you’re just as stubborn as I am and won’t do what anyone tells you. Even though you should. But, Noah, I just don’t understand why you don’t want this. It’ll help you  _see_  again. You’ll be able to make movies the way you want. Why wouldn’t you-”   
  
“There’s no guarantee,” Noah calmly (too calmly) interrupted. “It’s not worth risking more damage-  _real_  damage- or me getting my hopes up. Being blind is who I am now. It took me close to three years to accept that.”   
  
“Being blind is no more ‘who you are’ than being gay is,” Luke argued. “You’re you. You’re always telling me not to define myself by what I do or who I’m with, why can’t you be the same way?”   
  
Noah didn’t answer, but Luke couldn’t find it in himself to push. Noah didn’t deal well with being pushed, he knew that. Instead they both sat on the couch, facing forward. Not facing each other.   
  
“You wanna know how this happened?” Noah asked suddenly.   
  
Luke flinched. Uh-oh.  _This so isn’t going to end happy, is it?_  “You said it was an accident,” he spoke carefully.   
  
Noah laughed, and it was the darkest sound Luke had ever heard from him. Worse than him yelling. “More like a mistake. I made a lot of mistakes.”   
  
“Meaning what?” Luke’s hand almost  _burned_  with the need to hold Noah’s. He hesitated three times before settling on resting a hand on his forearm.   
  
Noah tensed but didn’t move away. When he finally spoke again, his voice sounded far away. “I didn’t have a name for how I felt or what I was until I met this guy. Gabe. I was raised to be my father’s recruit, you know? Speak when spoken to, do what you’re told,  _think_  what you’re told. But I met Gabe and- and all of a sudden I was wanting things,  _feeling_  what I never had before.”   
  
Luke squeezed his arm gently instead of nodding, letting Noah know he was still there, he was following. “What happened?”   
  
Noah’s smile was painfully sad. “For the first time, I was acting without a plan. Without thinking. I came out to Gabe at the same moment I came out to myself.” Another smile. “I kissed him.”   
  
Luke couldn’t help but frown, feeling like he was reading a story he knew would have an unhappy ending, but he couldn’t put the book down. “Did Gabe, um, what did he do?”  _Did he hurt you?_   
  
For just a second, there was a genuine smile on Noah’s face. “He laughed. In a good way,” he rushed to add. “Said I always surprised him, he had been thinking he’d have to make the first move himself or wait forever.”   
  
Luke allowed himself to smile too, grateful that at least the moment of ‘first kiss’ hadn’t been ruined. He just wasn’t sure he was ready to hear the rest. But, in a way, he needed Noah to tell him. “So he was your first boyfriend.”   
  
Noah’s face turned away, to nothing. “My dad walked in on us kissing one day. We weren’t even doing anything, like, hardcore or whatever.” Luke smiled at the blush. “But he was furious. Screaming at me, at Gabe when he tried to stand up for me. He said I wasn’t his son anymore, and walked away. Part of me...” he swallowed hard. “Part of me was actually relieved. And I should have just let him go and left it at that. Left  _him_  and that town and everything but Gabe behind.”   
  
“But he’s your father,” Luke added knowingly, consoling. “He was your only family, you couldn’t leave it at that.”   
  
Noah nodded just a little. “I went to talk to him later. It was Gabe’s idea, that dumbass,” he managed to say with equal parts affection and bitterness. Luke kept quiet, squeezing his arm again. “We talked, and my dad actually came around. Said he didn’t want to lose me, that he’d try.” He sucked in a deep breath, held it. “He invited me and Gabe on a camping trip.”   
  
Luke realized they were about to hit the climax of the story, and for some reason had to stall. “How did Gabe feel about your dad?”   
  
Noah cleared his throat heavily. “He was suspicious about the sudden turnaround. Didn’t think we should go on the trip, he thought it was probably too much too soon for my dad. But... but I insisted. We  _had_  to go. Partly because I always did what my dad wanted, and partly because-”   
  
“Because he was finally treating you like a son and not a soldier in training,” Luke guessed.   
  
He nodded. “He had never changed his mind before. Not about anything concerning me, at least. I- I had to have this trip. So he could meet Gabe and see how amazing he was and maybe even see  _me._  We had to go.”   
  
“So what happened?” Luke asked again, softer this time. He could feel Noah nearly vibrating under his hand.   
  
Noah bit his lip. “I don’t remember most of it. Just, like, flashes. I remember walking on a trail with Gabe, and God- we were holding hands, and joking around, and I remember how amazing it was. I remember... I remember thinking,  _finally._  Finally I get to be happy. Then there was a gunshot.”   
  
“Oh God,” Luke couldn’t stop himself from whispering.   
  
Noah didn’t hear him. “His face was so confused for a second, then it was like he wasn’t there anymore. I don’t remember much after that, my dad yelling, hitting me. A lot. My head started to hurt, and then," he shrugged. "Nothing."   
  
“He...” Luke couldn’t finish.   
  
Noah was pulling randomly at the cuffs of his sleeves, that nervous tic Luke now recognized. “Next thing I know I wake up in a hospital. My dad is in jail, my boyfriend is dead, my sight is gone,” he shrugged as if saying The End. “They said there was excessive bleeding in my brain.”   
  
Luke’s eyes couldn’t help but go to the tiny scars around Noah’s eyebrow and temple. Shit. “That’s why you’re Reid’s patient.”   
  
Noah nodded. “And how I got the job with Mr. Hughes.” He continued after a pause, as though he knew Luke was giving him a questioning look. “The lawyer who represented me in... all that, was a law school friend of Tom’s. He introduced us.”   
  
“Jesus, Noah. I’m so sorry,” he murmured, unable to look away or say more or move any which way. He just stared.   
  
Noah’s face twisted into a grimace, the one he got when he was embarrassed. “It’s not... I’m not looking for your sympathy, Luke. I’m just trying to get you to understand me for once.”   
  
“For once?” Luke focused on that instead of trying to comprehend everything Noah had just told him. “Noah, I understand all about being hurt by the people that you’re supposed to trust. I get that you’re scared of-”   
  
“You don’t. Okay? You don’t get it. Just like I don’t get you and your relationship with your dads or your relationship with Reid.” Luke flinched again, and Noah kept going. “You can try to relate all you want, Luke, and I do appreciate that, but don’t pretend you know what it’s like to be in my position.”   
  
“Then tell me,” he almost-snapped. “Tell me exactly what you’re thinking right now.” Noah hesitated, and it was Luke’s turn to barrel on. “No, don’t think. Just talk.”   
  
“I don’t remember how to not be blind anymore,” Noah burst out. He sank back into the couch. “Maybe I hide behind it, but it’s easer that way. I don’t want to try for a real life and fail again, okay? At least now, I have a... a...”   
  
“You have an excuse,” Luke finished for him sadly. “A shield.”  _A crutch._  “Noah, that’s really no way to live. You haven’t failed at anything. My God, with what you’ve been through-”   
  
“We’re not doing this, Luke. I’m not. What happened, happened. I’m not an inspiration. This isn’t ‘rising above’ or ‘persevering’ or starring in the next Hallmark made-for-TV-movie. Got it?”   
  
“What is it then?” he asked, suddenly calmer.   
  
Noah sighed, rubbing at his head as though to ward off a headache. “It’s just... what it is. I’ve accepted it. It’s what I’ve been given.”   
  
Luke shook his head, daring to inch closer on the couch. “You need to stop punishing yourself. Because that’s what you’re doing, Noah. For what happened with your dad, with Gabe-” he forced himself to keep going when Noah winced. “You don’t have to accept this. You’re always pushing me to reach for more, why can’t you?”   
  
Noah grimaced, and managed to look as straight-on at him as he could. “Well, why can’t you see the same things about your life? Luke, I really wish you’d be as forceful when it comes to yourself.”   
  
Luke deflated a little then, but didn’t move away. If anything, he got closer. “I do too,” he confessed, enjoying the look of shock on Noah’s face. “I hate being stuck. I hate that I feel stalled. And Noah,” without thinking, he reached up and cupped Noah’s cheek, holding his face gently. “Noah, if I had an opportunity to change direction like you do now? I’d take it.”   
  
“No you wouldn’t,” Noah murmured, not moving out of Luke’s touch. “Because you do have that opportunity, and you’re not taking it. You have it with your whole family and how much they support you, and your ambition, and your creativity.” Quieter, “And you have it with me.”   
  
And Luke stared at him, at Noah’s face with eyes so bottomless and unfairly empty, at the way his lips formed his words, at everything. At the talent Noah already seemed to have of just _being there._  He didn’t understand it, didn’t know if he wanted to.   
  
But he knew he wanted Noah.   
  
A second later he was sliding even closer, not letting go of Noah’s face, gingerly climbing his way onto Noah’s lap. Noah, for his part, looked startled. “Luke, what-?” was as far as he got.   
  
He attacked Noah’s mouth, capturing his bottom lip between his own, both hands holding him in place now. “Please, just,” he didn’t finish, not even sure what he was asking for.   
  
Besides Noah.   
  
Noah was sitting completely still, arms hanging at his sides, but his lips formed perfectly to Luke’s. His mouth open and inviting just enough.  _God_  Luke loved kissing him. It was always like being kissed for the first time.   
  
“Luke,” Noah murmured, rough, deep, reaching straight through to his lungs, through every part of his body and then some. “Luke, what are you doing?”   
  
He half-smiled. “If you don’t know what this is, then-”   
  
“Now’s not the time to be cute,” Noah was moving now, sitting back in his seat, though he didn’t try to get away. Luke took that as a tiny bit of encouragement. “We can’t do this.”   
  
Luke wanted to whine, argue, but he wasn’t an idiot. “I know.”   
  
“You have a boyfriend,” Noah pointed out anyway. “Who happens to be my doctor. You’re confused and upset about stuff right now, and we- you and I- we... if we do this again, no matter how great it is... it’s wrong.”   
  
Luke knew he should agree, and maybe somewhere that logical part of his brain did, but the rest of him refused to move. Sank down onto Noah’s lap a little more. Kept his hands resting on Noah’s shoulders. “I know, Noah, but honestly? I can’t get past the ‘great’ part.”   
  
“You have to,” Noah’s voice, trying so hard to be forceful, cracked just a little on that.   
  
“What if I don’t?” Luke asked, slowly sliding his hands across Noah’s shoulders, down his arms, down to his hands, holding them. “What if  _this_  is supposed to be part of taking my life back?”   
  
Noah didn’t pull away, almost seemed powerless to, but his tone still held a lot of doubt. “Luke, I can’t... I can’t be a part of cheating. More than we already have.”   
  
Luke just looked at him, eyes serious, firm. “And I can’t let go of you.” Noah kept silent. “And if you can’t get yourself to make me, then I won’t.” He watched as Noah frowned a little, getting his ‘thinking things through’ face.   
  
_Just when did you learn his expressions?_   
  
“This sucks,” Noah burst out. “I like you, Luke. That night, with you? It was... I haven’t felt that way in a long time. Maybe ever. And fuck, sometimes I think about you, or hear your voice, and I... I can’t just be your fling,” he shook his head, softening his voice. “But I also don’t want you to let go.”   
  
He tightened his grip on Noah’s hands. “I don’t want you to be a fling either,” he admitted, watching Noah’s eyes widen. “I like being with you too. I like how things seem, um, possible when you’re around.” He leaned in closer. “I like how genuine and considerate you are. How great you are with my family.” Closer. “And I really, really like the way you kiss me.”   
  
Noah didn’t stay still this time. They met halfway, crashing lips and teeth together, until Luke felt like he was devouring Noah, and Noah was devouring him. He couldn’t get enough. He couldn’t stop.   
  
He didn’t want to.   
  
He half-reluctantly let go of Noah’s hands, sliding one hand up to the back of his neck instead. Noah in turn was holding him tighter and tighter, hand edging down to grasp Luke’s thigh and urge him in even closer.   
  
“Noah,” he moaned his name, shivering when Noah answered with something like a growl. “Now, now. Right now.” He pushed a little harder, maneuvering them to lie flat on the couch, shoving, pulling, yanking at both their clothes. Clothes that just got in the way of them, him, of Luke seeing what no one else got to see- Noah, bare in so many ways, lying under him flushed and wanting and more out of sorts than he ever let himself be in the outside world.   
  
His face was a mix of wanting and hesitance, and Luke didn’t want him to hesitate. He put his hand on Noah’s heart, felt it beat a few times, then slid the hand down his body to palm his cock through his boxer-briefs. Noah bucked up under him a little but Luke held him in place. “Noah. I want this. I need to know you want this too.”   
  
“Luke,” he whispered. He gasped, tried to say more, but couldn’t.   
  
Luke rid them both of their boxers with an ease he was a little surprised and a little proud of. Skin to skin now, he realigned with Noah, straddling him, stroking his cock slowly, waiting. “Noah. I need to hear you say you want this.”   
  
Noah leaned up so quickly Luke almost fell back. He somehow magically grabbed the back of his head, kissed him ferociously. “I fucking want this, Luke.”   
  
Fire slammed through him. He shoved Noah onto his back again, kept a forearm braced across both his hips, and turned his attention to the cock he’d been stroking. He slid his hand slowly down to the base, grasping it firmly, and then without warning sunk his mouth down onto it, wrapping his lips around the head.   
  
“F-fuck!” Noah obviously hadn’t been expecting it, nearly bucking up again. Luke held him steady, desperately tried to hold himself steady, the  _world_  steady. He moved slowly, bobbing his head just a little, taking Noah in a little more each time, squeezing his hand just a little around the base each time.   
  
Noah was shaking under him, trying to keep from thrusting up into his mouth. Still so controlled. Suddenly, Luke really really wanted to see him unravel. He wanted to do the unraveling, see every layer of Noah that was hidden and scared. And this wasn’t the way he wanted to do it.   
  
He pulled away, unconsciously licking his lips, almost smiling at the wordless whine Noah let out at the loss of sensation. Luke quickly replaced it with a new one, perching himself above Noah, knees on either side of Noah’s hips. “Noah. Noah, I want to...”   
  
“God, Luke, please,” Noah whispered almost brokenly. He reached out unsteadily, searching, making contact with Luke’s chest and tracing the lines and planes of his torso. Luke shuddered in a breath when those fingers grazed a nipple, his stomach, the sharpness of his hip bones. “Please. Anything.”   
  
Noah. Begging  _him_ . Luke was shaking; this was unreal. It had never been like this before. Sex had never been like this. Noah  _wanted_  to give up control to him. “You... you sure?”   
  
Noah grunted, hand reaching haphazardly for the end table next to the couch. Luke got there first, opening the small drawer and guiding Noah’s hand to it. He leaned down low to start mouthing a silent ‘please’ of his own along Noah’s neck and jaw, keeping an eye on Noah as he fumbled for a moment before pulling out a condom and lube. “I’m sure,” he said, the steadiest he’d sounded all night.   
  
Luke took them with one hand and with the other combed through Noah’s hair. “Me too,” he whispered. He pressed his mouth gently to Noah’s, starting slow, savoring what he missed the last time they did this.   
  
Noah stayed still and slow for as long as he could. Which wasn’t long. “Luke,” he gasped, both arms going around him, pulling him flush on top. “Want this, you, now.” Another gasp, almost like getting lost. “Luke?”   
  
“I’m here, baby,” he answered, opening the lube, covering his fingers in its sheen. “I’m right here.” He left a few more kisses over Noah, down his chest and stomach, just next to his belly button, while slowly, carefully, pressing one finger, and then two, inside.   
  
Noah grabbed at the couch cushions below him, grunting just a little, moving back against him. The motion itself was almost enough to push Luke over the edge, and he added a third finger, leaning up to suck a bruise onto Noah’s collar bone, shuddering himself when Noah’s hands searched for him again, tracing his neck, his hips, everywhere.   
  
To Luke it was more than a touch. It was Noah  _seeing_  him too, and he felt more exposed than he ever had before. By the time he had positioned himself between Noah’s slightly bent legs, pushing wholly inside, he was close to tears. He was close to  _everything_ .   
  
He started slow, hips moving in long, almost careful thrusts. He was pretty sure it had been awhile for both of them like this, in these positions, and he wanted to make it right.   
  
But the need soon became too great for him, and apparently for Noah too. “More,” he grunted, stretching it through a few extra syllables, grasping at Luke, trying to pull him deeper, closer.   
  
Luke let himself be pulled, let his mouth drop onto Noah’s. Giving up his oxygen for Noah’s. And he gave more. Moving faster, yanking Noah’s legs higher around his waist, changing his angle and taking more control. It was amazing, and it was a feeling he didn’t really know he’d been missing until now. Until Noah.   
  
Hands were still everywhere, touching every bit of him, stuttering across his skin so quickly it felt like eyes blinking over his body. “Luke,” Noah half-breathed, half-whimpered. “I-I can’t... need-”   
  
“I’m here,” he said again, trailing up Noah’s leg to his hip, grasping him tightly. “Hold on to me, baby. I got you,” his voice broke and strained on each word. But he meant them.   
  
Hands looped around his neck and shoulders immediately, hanging on for dear life. And Luke almost broke too, right then and there. Noah trusted him  _that_  much? He felt like he was falling, and he needed to fall. Soon. Now.   
  
Bracing himself (both of them) with one hand on the arm of the couch under Noah’s head, he reached for Noah’s cock with the other. “Noah,” he murmured, moving his mouth as close to Noah’s as he could, stroking him in time with the near desperate thrusts of his own hips. “Please.”   
  
Noah arching up, crying out, spilling over Luke’s hand, was enough to push Luke over the edge as well, and he came with (what he hoped was) a quiet yell. Losing all density in his body and bones, he collapsed down onto Noah’s chest, finding it just as perfectly inviting and comfortable as he had imagined it would be. Noah’s arms snuck around him steadily, one hand searching across his skin until it found the back of his neck and rested there, fingers curling through his hair.   
  
He breathed slowly across Noah’s stomach, using the ratty old blanket on the couch to clean them up as best he could without moving ninety-eight percent of his body. Noah managed to murmur out his thanks, still holding on tightly. They stayed there for awhile, legs and fingers linked.   
  
“I...” Noah finally spoke, through heavy breaths. “I haven’t done- l-like that before.” Luke managed to crane his neck up to see Noah’s face. Eyes shut tight, flushed and damp, he looked almost... nervous? Luke wanted to stare. He’d never seen Noah look so nervous about _anything_ , in all the time he’d known him.   
  
“It’s okay,” he murmured, kissing his chest gently. “It’s okay. It was us. Just us. It’s just you and me.” He rubbed his hand back and forth across Noah’s torso, coaxing him to relax again. Slowly, slowly, Noah’s eyes opened. And while they didn’t look at anything, Luke’s chest tightened at the way Noah smiled at him, timid and- yet again- trusting.   
  
“You’re so amazing,” Noah whispered in return, leaning down to kiss him. “God, you are.”   
  
Luke smiled, kissing him again, before settling back down on the couch, curled around Noah’s body, pillowing on top of him a little. They rested there, the silence deep and comfortable for minutes or eras or whatever way there was to measure the time Luke was ignoring right now.   
  
“Luke?” Noah’s voice rumbled through his chest. Luke could feel the vibration of it more than he could hear the actual word.   
  
“Yeah?” he hummed, rubbing his cheek a little into the soft skin over Noah’s heart.   
  
“Can you, um, can you stay the night?” Noah’s voice was so tentative, somewhere between embarrassed to be asking and afraid of the answer.   
  
It was that tone, unassuming and gentle, and the way that long body so easily enveloped his, that had Luke realizing how different Noah was from... from what Luke was used to.  _Who_  he was used to.   
  
Shit. Reid. He had just cheated on Reid.   
  
Again.   
  
He had been keeping that part of his brain firmly locked, caged, denying its existence. Because it was all just too fucking confusing. He was a horrible, horrible person- betraying his boyfriend, who’d been true to  _him_  for a year now. Maybe he and Reid weren’t perfect, but cheating?   
  
But what made him really fucked up? A part of Luke couldn’t regret what he had just done. Because Noah... felt right. How could something this shitty also feel like the right thing to do? How the hell was Luke supposed to keep this up?   
  
“Luke?” Noah asked again, possibly noticing how Luke had tensed in his arms. “Are you-”   
  
“I can’t stay,” he cut Noah off, hoping he sounded gentle. Judging by the look Noah tried to hide, he wasn’t successful. “I have to-” Have was the wrong word. “I should go.”   
  
“No you shouldn’t,” Noah said, sadly. “How many times are we going to say that to each other?”   
  
“I have a boyfriend, Noah,” he argued, sitting up.   
  
“We already covered that,  _Luke_ ,” Noah fired back, sitting up as well. “And yet here we are again anyway.”   
  
“Where are we?” Luke asked. It didn’t matter that Noah couldn’t see him, Luke suddenly felt incredibly vulnerable sitting there naked. He grabbed for his clothes, roughly pulling them back on.   
  
Noah frowned, listening hard, and then closed his eyes briefly when he realized what Luke was doing. “We’re right here. We’re  _something_ . And you can’t ignore it anymore or pretend it’s not happening.”   
  
“It’s too much to deal with,” Luke said quietly, standing up from the couch. He had to put some space between them. “I mean, you just show up in town, and seem all wonderful, and you’re always around making me question everything, and I can’t,” he took a deep breath. “I can’t just change my life for you.”   
  
“I’m not asking you to,” Noah said calmly. “I want you to change your life for  _you._ ” He bit his lip like he wanted to say more, then reached for his own clothes. As his shirt slid down over his head and shoulders, covering his chest and the heart he had in it, Luke could hear him mumble. “And I know you want to change too.”   
  
“Stop with the Mr. Miyagi-Yoda crap, Noah!” Luke snapped. “You’re not my spirit guide, okay? I’m not your pet project. Just because you can’t fix your own life, don’t try to fix mine!”   
  
“See, the problem is, I  _can’t_  be fixed,” Noah stood up, re-buckling his jeans, trying his hardest to stare Luke down without being able to. “This?” he rapped his knuckles against his own head. “This is fucked. But you have everything in front of you, and tons of people who want to support you. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to know you’re wasting it?”   
  
“Oh. Yeah. Well. Maybe this is waste of time too,” Luke searched for his keys, finding them under the coffee table. “Because guess what? You’re right. You are fucked up. You have a chance to fix what’s wrong with you physically, but you’d rather hide than man up and do it. Being blind is a great excuse for avoiding life, huh?”   
  
Noah flinched but didn’t back down. “Being with Reid is a great excuse for avoiding me, huh?”   
  
Luke was thrown back a step by that. For the first time ever, he was glad Noah was blind and couldn’t see how much that affected him. “There is no ‘you’ to avoid. Okay? No ‘us.’ There’s nothing here. I was wrong, okay? This isn’t my life. It’s a mistake. That’s all it can be.”   
  
He didn’t stick around long enough to see the look on Noah’s face. He couldn’t.


	4. Four

He knew it wasn’t smart for him to be here, especially drinking, especially alone, but the part of Noah that drove him here was the same part that didn’t care. The bigger part of him.    
  
He took another drink of his beer, leaning back in the seat, hoping to blend into the shadows. He was fairly sure he had picked the farthest table back in the corner, or close to it. Sure, for all he knew everyone in the bar was staring at him, but he had gotten pretty good at knowing when he was being watched. Now he just wanted to disappear, at least for the night.   
  
Noah had gotten so good at taking care of himself too, at letting other people help him only on _his_  terms. So how had this happened? How had one insanely pig-headed, surprisingly compassionate person snuck his way in?    
  
And why was it so easy for Luke to get close to him but then... then walk away just as easily? Noah tried to joke, tried telling himself  _Hey, at least you can’t actually see him leave every time._ But he could feel it. It hurt just as much.   
  
Confusion washed through him yet again. Why would Luke care so much, want to hang out with him, kiss him,  _fuck_  him, if he didn’t want him? Was it just fascination? Wanting to know what sleeping with a blind guy was like? Or maybe pity, like some sick Make A Wish charity contribution.   
  
Noah shook his head. No. He was pretty sure Luke wasn’t like that, but it still didn’t give him any answers. He wasn’t totally sure there even were answers to find. It sucked. He wished he had never come to this town. It was all giving him a headache, and it was-   
  
“Noah,” a voice full of pleasant surprise that almost sounded genuine spoke up suddenly from near his left shoulder, moving over to the other side of the table.   
  
Noah mustered up a polite smile. “Mason. Hi.”   
  
“Are you here alone?” Mason asked. Noah could feel him sit down at the table, and he wished he had it in him to tell the guy to fuck off. “No L- no Casey?”   
  
_Nice recovery,_  he wanted to say. If it was Luke, he would have. Luke was one of the few people who had ever pushed for- and wanted to know- what was going on in Noah’s head. And understood it. But this wasn’t Luke, far from it. “Just me tonight,” he finally answered. “Needed some time alone.”   
  
He could practically hear the smile. “That doesn’t sound good. Everything okay?”   
  
“I’m fine,” he said automatically.  _And I guess you don’t know what ‘alone’ means, Professor._   
  
“Oh, I’m sure you are,” Mason agreed smoothly. “I didn’t mean to imply otherwise. I just saw you walk in and thought I’d come over and say hi.”   
  
Noah nodded, half-praying that that really was all Mason wanted to do, more-than-half-knowing it wasn’t. “Okay.”   
  
“This is the first time I’ve seen you outside of our meetings, you know,” he commented casually.   
  
Too casually. Noah was pretty damn good at reading people’s voices, especially since so many people tended to exaggerate their tones when talking to a blind guy. He would never admit it out loud to anyone (except maybe one person), but he always found it really annoying. It wasn’t fair that everyone underestimated everything about him (except maybe one person).   
  
Mason was speaking again. Noah discreetly cracked his knuckles- his way of rolling his eyes- and tried to concentrate again. “-so much in common. I’ve been thinking, lately, that maybe we should.”   
  
He shook himself. “We should... what?”   
  
Mason paused. Noah wondered what his expression looked like right now. Probably something smug. Insufferable, Luke would say.    
  
_...Stop thinking about Luke fucking Snyder,_  he reprimanded himself.    
  
“We should get to know each other better, outside of our work together,” Mason was obviously repeating himself. “What do you say?” Noah felt a hand on his arm. It felt wrong. It was possessive and weak at the same time. It didn’t feel like... “Want to get out of here?”   
  
It didn’t feel like Luke.   
  
_Stop thinking about Luke._   
  
“Yeah,” Noah gulped down the last of his beer, sliding the glass away from him. He needed to be away from everything, including his brain. “Yeah. Let’s go.”   
  
***   
  
He slid into the living room as silently as possible, as though he was sneaking in. He wasn’t. Or, didn’t have to, not really. It wasn’t like he was a criminal or anything.  _Sleeping with someone other than your boyfriend isn’t technically a crime..._   
  
“You’re getting in late,” he heard from the kitchen.    
  
“Yeah,” was all he could say back. He didn’t make up an excuse. He couldn’t be a liar on top of being a cheater.  _You lied to Noah, didn’t you?_  God fuck damn it.   
  
“There’s some dinner left over if you’re hungry,” Reid emerged, sipping on a mug of something or other. Coffee, probably. He preferred Scotch, Luke knew, but he didn’t keep any in the apartment anymore. Because of Luke. Because they were together, and when you loved-   
  
He cut himself off. “Not really hungry, no.” He glanced almost wildly around the room, needing something to focus on. But that sucked just as much.    
  
Everywhere he looked- Reid’s jacket, one Luke had picked out, hanging by the door. The DVDs they had rented to watch this weekend. Even the damn mug he was drinking from was Luke’s- Natalie had painted it in art class last year.    
  
“Do you want to get out of here?” he asked suddenly. Too many things in this apartment reminded him of the relationship he had just insulted. Debased.    
  
Reid stared at him like he had grown three extra ears. “Get out of here?” he repeated.   
  
Luke shrugged. “Like, go out somewhere. You can get a drink, I can get a fake drink. Talk, hang out somewhere. Anywhere.”  _Just not here. Not somewhere that’s so you._   
  
Reid narrowed his eyes slightly. “We can do all that here.”   
  
“But we’re always here,” Luke points out. “Let’s, you know, be a couple. Go out.”   
  
“For what reason?” Reid shook his head, settling down on the couch. “To put on a good show for the town? What’s the point?”   
  
“The point,” Luke crossed his arms as though that would hold his body together. He felt ready to explode, and he didn’t know from what exactly. “Is that I want to do something different. I want us to feel like a couple for once.”   
  
Reid frowned at his tone. He knew he was pushing it a little, but... it’d been a long day. “Why now?” his boyfriend snorted. “So you can have another Dear Diary moment?”   
  
“Excuse me?”   
  
He was half-smiling, that look on his face he got when he was trying to be snarky to get out of an uncomfortable situation. “You know, since you’re a ‘writer’ now. Is this all just fodder for the next novel? Or your Blockbuster script you still haven’t written?”   
  
He flinched. Hard. He  _was_  writing a script, he just hadn’t told Reid yet. He’d gone to Noah.    
  
Who had supported him.   
  
Encouraged him.   
  
Motivated him.   
  
Loved-   
  
He cut himself off again (on the same word as before). “Fuck you,” he snapped. Reid let one eyebrow raise, enough to show Luke that he was as thrown as he was able to get. “I’m sorry I actually want to spend some time with my boyfriend besides on his crappy couch. I’m so sorry I want more out of our relationship.” He started stomping towards the bedroom.   
  
“God, you’re such a thirteen year old girl sometimes,” Reid groaned. “Don’t tell me you’re going off to write in your journal now.”   
  
Luke took a deep breath, closed his eyes. What the fuck had become of his life? His hand shook, and for a second he wished Reid actually  _did_  have Scotch. But no. He’d never let it come to that, not again. Noah would  _kill_  him if he dr-   
  
Stop thinking about Noah.   
  
“You know what? Stay here. I’m going for a walk.” He turned again, heading back to the door.   
  
“You just got here,” Reid pointed out, frowning now. Like maybe he wanted Luke to stay. If he would just say that, maybe Luke would.    
  
_Can you, um, can you stay the night?_   
  
Stop thinking about Noah.   
  
“Yeah, well, now I’m just leaving,” Luke dared his boyfriend to argue, agree, anything. He got nothing in return. “Don’t wait up.”   
  
He wanted to slam the door, but that would’ve been too childish, and Luke was tired of being treated like a child. He adjusted his shirt- God, it was still a little rumpled from being tossed to Noah’s living room floor. Had Reid noticed? Suspected?   
  
What was Noah doing right now?   
  
Luke completely gave up on the ‘not thinking about Noah’ thing. Noah was inevitable. Luke’s feet took him along the path to Old Town, but his brain was traveling back to Noah’s apartment.   
  
Part of Luke knew he’d had to leave there tonight, he couldn’t stay as long as he was still with Reid. Otherwise, in a way, Noah was just  _his_  crutch, his shield from reality. His addiction. His alcohol.   
  
No, if he was going to be with Noah, it had to be the right way. They both deserved that.    
  
His feet suddenly slowed. If Noah even wanted it anymore. Luke ran a hand through his hair, clicking his teeth together nervously. Noah had opened up pretty big tonight. Hugely, in fact. He finally told Luke his story (a story that Luke still had trouble fully comprehending, Jesus) and then, well, had been just as vulnerable during sex. Luke wished he could be that brave sometimes.   
  
But he wasn’t. He had run instead. Ditched Noah after all of that. Luke had to admit he was more than a little ashamed of himself. All those times he pushed Noah to open up more, to show more of himself, and he runs when it finally happens. Great. Wonderful.    
  
Life sucked.    
  
Part of him wished, right then, that he could go back in time and somehow  _not_  fall for Noah or let him affect him this much. Another part of him wished he could skip ahead to when this drama would finally be over and he could just... know what happens. Skip the hard part.   
  
But then, shockingly- shockingly enough to stop Luke in his tracks- he realized there was another part of him, a larger one, that  _wanted_  to do the hard part. He wanted to work and earn whatever was to happen. He thought of his parents, how they kept circling around each other, trying to make their lives work and sometimes failing, but always trying again. He thought of Noah, of all the times something set him back or shoved him down, and how he kept at it.   
  
Luke wanted that too. He wanted to feel that for himself.   
  
Maybe it was because he was standing so still in that moment, or maybe it was because Luke was thinking about him, but all of a sudden he could hear Noah’s voice.    
  
But, like, for real.   
  
“I said leave me alone!”   
  
Luke wasn’t sure if his eyes widened or narrowed, but he felt both fear and this weird protective anger surge through him at the same time. He broke out into an almost-run, heading deeper into Old Town, following that voice. Two blocks from Yo’s, in one of the alleys, he found him.   
  
Them.   
  
Noah was almost but not quite backed up to the wall of the alley. One hand was braced against it, Luke knew so he could keep track of where he was, but the other hand was held up almost defensively, trying to ward off... Mason.   
  
Of fucking course.   
  
“Noah, come on, I just-” luckily Mason didn’t seem to be too pushy. He just wasn’t going away.   
  
“I know what you just,” Noah snapped. His voice was harsh, rough. But empty, too. Luke wanted to wince at the sound. Noah wasn’t supposed to sound like that. Not because of him. “It’s not going to happen.”   
  
“Why the hell did you leave the bar with me then?” Luke had never really heard Mason sound so frustrated before, and he had to fight back a smirk at that. But, also-  _bar?_  Noah had been at a bar? Alone? Yeah, that sounded like good news.  _Fuck, Snyder, if someone had run out on you after all that, wouldn’t you end up at a bar?_  Shut up, Self.   
  
“I- I don’t...” Noah took a deep breath and another careful step back, away from Mason. His hand still staying in firm contact with the wall. “I shouldn’t have. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I shouldn’t have let you think-”   
  
“That you wanted to kiss me back?” Mason stepped closer to Noah again. Too close. “Or that you wanted to come home with me and-” Way too close.   
  
“Hey,” Luke was finally within reach. “What’s going on?” His eyes narrowed, not only at the way Mason glared at him, but at the way Noah tensed up just as much.   
  
“Of course. Of course you’re here,” Mason hissed.    
  
“Why don’t you back up a few steps?” Luke suggested in a tone that was in no way a suggestion. He forced himself not to immediately barrel between them and stand protectively in front of Noah, just barely succeeding. He had a feeling that even if Noah couldn’t see him do it, he’d still know somehow and be (more) pissed.   
  
After a tense moment where it seemed like Mason was maybe going to go after Noah again, instead he groaned, glared some more, and backed away, almost deliberately slow. Luke gritted his teeth but kept calm. Mostly.    
  
“This isn’t any of your business,” Mason warned.    
  
“Noah told you to leave him alone, so technically he isn’t yours either. Business, I mean,” he added hastily, awkwardly, seeing Noah’s face twist into a darker frown.   
  
“I’m no one’s business,” Noah snapped. “You don’t have to act like I need you.” Luke wasn’t actually sure who he was talking to, and kinda didn’t want to find out.   
  
Mason looked back and forth between the two of them. “You know what? Forget it. And forget both of you. This isn’t worth it.” He turned and stalked out of the alley, brushing past Luke and bumping his shoulder along the way.   
  
Luke was half-tempted to yell out some final remark at him, but his focus went to Noah instead. “Hey, are you-”   
  
Noah stepped away from him quickly, maybe thinking Luke was reaching out to him. “I dropped my cane,” he said, voice a little plaintive but still plenty defiant.    
  
Luke felt a rush of affection and exasperation go through him in equal measure, but hopefully kept it out of his voice. “Here,” he moved around Noah, resisting the urge to touch him ( _when had that become second nature?_ ) and found the discarded cane on the ground a few feet away, carefully placing it in Noah’s outstretched hand.    
  
“Thank you,” Noah said, probably more out of instinct than anything else. “You can go now. Goodnight.” He unfurled the cane and started walking out of the alley.   
  
“Wait, Noah,” Luke gave chase. “Please, let me just-” his hand landed on Noah’s shoulder.   
  
And was promptly shoved away. “No. Don’t do or say anything,” Noah almost growled. “I can't do this right now.”   
  
“Noah, I-”   
  
“No,” he cut through again. “I just want you to go away, Luke. Please.”   
  
But he couldn’t. Not when Noah was so upset, not when he was trying to hide his hands shaking around their grip on the cane. Not when Mason could be just around the corner, not when Luke was right here. “But I...” Noah looked on the verge of yelling or snapping again, so Luke stopped, shut his mouth. It didn’t stop him from following Noah out of the alley. “At least let me walk you home. I won’t say anything, I won’t try to go inside the building. Just... just let me know you get there safe.”   
  
“I’m not helpless, I know how to get home from here, Luke!” Noah spoke through a deceptively calm voice now, the shaking almost gone.   
  
But it was still there. Enough to keep Luke there. As was the fact that just hearing Noah say his name kept Luke tethered to him somehow.  _Yeah, I know, this is pretty fucked up._  “I’d never think of you as helpless. I won’t say anything, I won’t do anything. I promise. Please, Noah, let me walk you home?”   
  
He watched the muscles in Noah’s cheek and jaw tighten and flex almost compulsively. “I guess I can’t stop you.” He kept walking and made no move to stop Luke from following. Luke’s momentary twinge of victory almost-  _almost_ \- drowned out the soft question that floated from Noah’s mouth after that. “When could I?”   
  
***   
  
Noah slammed the door hard behind him, fumbled for the knob, opened it, and slammed it again. He kept his hand around the metal, forming to it, squeezing so hard he half-hoped he’d break it off. That would keep the world out, wouldn’t it?    
  
He took a deep breath, as deep as he could, leaning his still-aching head against the door. He hated this. He hated feeling out of sorts like this, he hated the sound of defeat and confusion in Luke’s voice, he hated that he had no control over any of it. How he felt, how Luke felt, how Luke...   
  
No. No. He wasn’t doing this. He was better than this. Stronger. Supposedly smarter. He wasn’t the same dumbass kid he used to be- trailing along behind whoever showed him the littlest bit of affection. Things were always so much simpler when he only had himself to worry about and nobody worried about him. He-   
  
With the smallest growl escaping him, he pushed away from the door. He needed to calm down, but his hands were trembling. Probably leftover adrenaline from the confrontation with Luke, and then whatever the hell that was with Mason, and then Luke again.   
  
How was it that everything now came back to Luke? “Go. Away,” he muttered under his breath, not at all sure who he was talking to.   
  
There was a knock at the door, tentative. It startled Noah, causing him to jump a little. “Noah? It’s me, dude. You in there?” Casey. He wondered if Luke had gone to him, or...   
  
Noah shook his head, wincing when the motion caused his headache to intensify. And then he realized his hands were still shaking. And his head was too. His whole body was. Fuck. No. Not now.   
  
“Noah?” Casey knocked again, but Noah couldn’t have answered him even if he wanted to. _Fuck._  He tried to make his way to living room, he had a med kit there, if he could just take a few steps and grab it...   
  
His legs gave out from under him, and he crashed hard to the floor, somewhat grateful he didn’t hit his head. Not that he would’ve felt it. His body continued convulsing, muscles tensing every which way, and it was all he could do to let out a semi-strangled cry of pain.   
  
The knocking at the door paused for a second, then got louder. “Noah!” Moments later there was a cracking, splintering sound, and then someone nearby, a hand on his shoulder. “Noah, what-”   
  
He cried out again, his useless eyes rolling back in their sockets. The pain in his head started to overwhelm, choking off his air, his movements, his thoughts. His hands clenched into fists, slamming against the floor, his whole body gathering bruises as it made contact.   
  
“Shit,” a hand grabbed one of his fists, trying to flatten it, to hold it steady. “Hang on, hang on, please,” Casey spoke softly now. There was more movement, then something soft cushioning his head. “You’re gonna be fine, okay? Right?” Then his voice changed direction, like he had turned his head away. “Yeah, I need an ambulance, I think my friend is having a seizure. The address...”   
  
The words faded away to static in Noah’s ears, just like everything else. Noah started to wonder when it was he had gone from Casey’s ‘neighbor’ to ‘friend,’ but then another tidal wave of pain slammed through his head, and he couldn’t think anymore.   
  
If he’d been capable, he might’ve wondered if his last thoughts were going to be of Luke.   
  
***   
  
He couldn’t go home. He couldn’t sit still. He couldn’t turn his brain off. He didn’t know where to go, but his feet obviously did. When he looked up, he was at the farm.  _Home._  He always thought of his mom’s house as just that- a house. The farm felt like home. And Luke had been away from it for so long.   
  
He approached the barn slowly, like he was trespassing. Like this place wasn’t his anymore. Galway snorted from his stall, recognizing him, and he smiled, a little relieved. “At least someone likes having me around, eh buddy?” he asked, rubbing his hand along the horse’s nose.   
  
“Luke?”   
  
He whirled around guiltily. And there was his dad, walking in cautiously. He stuffed his hands in his pockets, ignoring Galway’s snort of disappointment. “Hey.”   
  
Holden came to a stop next to him. “I was in the kitchen, saw you walk in. Are you okay? Is something wrong?”   
  
“I’m sorry,” was all he could say.   
  
Holden narrowed his eyes, worried. “What’s wrong?”   
  
“I’m sorry,” he said again, really meaning it. “I’ve been a spoiled brat. And I’ve been lazy, and letting Damian let me get away with it, and I haven’t been here for you like I should, and-”   
  
“Luke, kiddo, hey,” Holden held up a hand, trying to slow him down. For a second, Luke felt warm all over; he always did when his dad called him kiddo. “Is that what this is about?”    
  
“Not just this, but yeah,” Luke stop now that he’d started. “So much is messed up, Dad. I messed up. A lot.”   
  
“If it’s about me and Damian and your mom, you haven’t messed up, Luke. I promise. We’re all getting better, it’s not your-”   
  
“I cheated on my boyfriend,” Luke cut in, self-loathing making his words short. “I slept with Noah.”   
  
Well. That shut him up. Holden stared for a minute while Luke stared at unsuspecting Galway. Then he shook his head, let out a rueful chuckle. “Well, wasn’t expecting that.”   
  
“Come on, let me have it,” Luke gestured. “I need a Holden Snyder Disapproving Father Lecture, stat.”   
  
“Anything I could say, you’ve already thought,” Holden leaned back easily against the stall, crossing his arms. “You’re old enough and smart enough to know that.”   
  
Luke closed his eyes. “Why aren’t you disappointed in me?”   
  
“Luke, listen to me when I say this. Right now.” Luke forced his eyes open, meeting Holden’s. “You could never,  _ever_ , disappoint me. You’re my son. I love you, I’m proud of you, in everything you do.”   
  
“I cheated,” he said again.   
  
Holden gave another sad smile. “We make mistakes, Luke. Look at me, your mom. Hell, everyone in this town. Making mistakes doesn’t make you a disappointment. Not caring about that would. And you’re one of the most caring people I’ve ever come across in my life, so I’m not worried.”   
  
He blinked back tears. “I think I’m falling for Noah, Dad. I think I already have. But I messed things up, and it might be too late. And either way- I hurt him, I hurt Reid. I don’t know what to do.”   
  
“Do you love Reid, Luke?” Holden asked quietly.   
  
He took his time answering. “Not the way I’m supposed to.”   
  
Holden leaned in a little closer, so their shoulders touched. “Then there’s part of your answer right there. I've had time to think about this, Luke, and I think maybe one of the reasons you got together with Reid was because of Reg. After what happened with him, you found someone you could fix. You could see Reid's problems and thought you could fix him."   
  
"So Reid is my rebound?"   
  
"I'm not saying that, but you know... Not trying to belittle your relationship, I know you love and care about him. But it doesn't mean you push for something that isn't there. Something that maybe," Holden shrugged, "you've found with someone else. Either way, you need to talk to him. And Noah too.”   
  
“Noah doesn’t want to talk to me,” he murmured.   
  
“I bet he really does,” Holden countered, smiling a little.   
  
“He’s just... he’s special,” Luke tried to explain, and how lame was that? He shook his head at himself. “He’s different. I’ve never met anyone like him. And he gets me. I get him. We balance each other out.” How could he explain this right? “He doesn’t actually try to make me change or be his idea of a better person. He just wants me to be. Makes  _me_  want to be.”   
  
He finally looked at Holden again, and was surprised to see him smiling wide. “You find someone that makes you feel that way, Luke? You try to hold onto them. Trust me.”    
  
“You and Mom aren’t trying to just be friends, are you?” he asked, suddenly realizing what so much of that tension between his parents had been lately.    
  
“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “But I think we’re trying to hold on again,” Holden answered. “It’s just… complicated.”   
  
“I hate life,” Luke grumbled.   
  
Holden laughed. “You and me both.”   
  
“Thanks, Dad,” he said, not joking anymore. “For everything. For... for coming back and still being here.”    
  
Holden took a deep breath, almost stuttering on it, and pulled him in for a hug. “Of course I’m here, Luke.” More tears to blink back. “You’ll be fine. I know it. You’ll know what to do.”   
  
The chirp of his cell phone had Luke pulling back from the hug, wiping at his eyes hurriedly. “Sorry, I should probably-”   
  
Holden just smiled, patted his shoulder. “No problem, kiddo.”   
  
Luke grinned again- he just couldn’t seem to help it- and flipped open the phone without checking the screen. “Hello?”   
  
“Luke.” It was Casey. Sounding subdued. It was Casey sounding more subdued than he had in years.    
  
“Case? What’s wrong?” He frowned, noticing his dad do the same out of the corner of his eye.   
  
“Luke, you gotta-” he cleared his throat. “You gotta come to the hospital, okay? Now.”   
  
He stood up quickly, already fishing for his keys. “What happened? Are you okay? Is it...?” He didn’t know who he was asking about.   
  
Casey apparently did. “Noah needs you. Get here now.”   
  
***   
  
She stood outside the door, peering through the narrow window into the hospital room. Noah was laying so still in that bed, eyes closed, looking worn and listless as only someone who’d just been treated in a hospital could be. Unfortunately, she could relate.    
  
Fortunately, she was going to use that power for good.    
  
She tried to enter silently, but Noah awoke the second she opened the door, lifting his head with a bleary frown. “Yes?” he called out, obviously expecting a nurse or doctor.   
  
“Hello, young man,” she said as gently as she knew how.   
  
There was a polite but confused smile on his face when he recognized her voice. “Ms. Walsh?”   
  
Lucinda came closer and settled herself into the chair next to his bed, recognizing the jacket half-hanging on the back as belonging to Casey Hughes. “How are you at the moment?”   
  
“Fine, ma’am,” he answered immediately. “They said it was a mild seizure, I’ve had worse.”   
  
“I dare say you have,” she murmured quietly. His face twisted into a frown, a silent  _don’t go there,_  so she cleared her throat, moving on. “I was just upstairs talking with my doctor and heard from Alison Stewart that you were here.”   
  
“Your doctor?” He turned towards her again, brows drawn together, defensiveness forgotten. “Are you sick?” She opened her mouth to answer, but he was already backpedaling. “I’m sorry, that’s none of my business. Sorry.”   
  
She almost laughed. Emma had warned her-  _“Polite beyond all else, Lucinda. Victorian manners. It’s absurd!”_ \- but it was still almost enough to throw her off track. Not really enough, though; she was still Lucinda Walsh after all. “It’s all right darling, not a touchy subject.”    
  
He hesitated, then nodded shortly, taking her cue. “Why were you upstairs?” he asked softly.   
  
“I have cancer, Noah,” she answered bluntly. “It’s in remission at the moment, but I still have my checkups and treatments I have to go through regularly.”   
  
His eyes, so empty, still managed to gaze at her sadly. “I’m sorry,” he said, voice small. Tired.   
  
“It’s okay, really.” She patted his shoulder. “It’s why I wanted to talk to you.”   
  
“To me?” Noah sat up a little in his bed, fiddling with the edge of his hospital gown. “Why?”   
  
“Because I had a choice, my boy,” she said sternly. “Between giving up or accepting help. Between wallowing in my supposed fate or doing something about it.”   
  
His face went stony almost instantly. “Ms. Walsh, I’m really sorry, and it’s nice that you stopped by, please don’t take this the wrong way, but-”   
  
“Spit it out, Noah,” she sighed with a smile.   
  
“Our situations are nothing alike. You had to choose between life and death. For you and your family and everything. I’m just, I’m just me. All I have is me. I’m being realistic.”   
  
“You’re in the hospital, dear,” she reminded him. “You had a seizure. Those aren’t magically going to go away or get better. Unless you do something about it.”   
  
“Ms. Walsh, please, you don’t have to...” Noah paused, took a deep breath. “You’ve done your duty, it’s okay. You can go now.”   
  
“Excuse me?” she raised an eyebrow, fighting the urge to throw her hands up in the air or grab the boy in front of her and shake him.   
  
“You’re here because of Luke,” he said simply.   
  
“Luke doesn’t know I’m here,” she argued.   
  
He shrugged. “He doesn’t know I’m here, either. That’s not what I meant. I meant you’re here because I’m Luke’s... friend, and he’ll be sad if I stay blind or die or whatever. And you want to make him happy. And you’re obviously a wonderful grandmother, and I appreciate your concern for him, but-”   
  
“Noah Mayer, you stop right there,” Lucinda used her best chairwoman of the board voice. It worked rather effectively, shocking him into silence. She took a chance then, reaching out and carefully taking his hand in hers. He tensed, startled for a moment, but let her pull his hand closer. “You’ve got it wrong, young man.”   
  
He bit his lower lip, weary and confused. “I don’t think I do.”   
  
Lucinda took a slow, deep breath, realizing she was going to have to deal with this like she did when confronted with Snyder Stubbornness. “Just because I met you through my grandson doesn’t mean I care about you through him.” She jostled his hand lightly. “I don’t want to see you get hurt. These seizures are going to get worse, Noah.”   
  
He shrugged. “Then they’ll get worse. That’s life. I can’t live in some fantasy where things are magically cured and people live happily ever after. That's... that's what movies are for.”   
  
“No, I imagine you don’t let yourself hope for a lot of things without a good reason to,” she mused, studying his face. “But you’re a man of logic, I can tell. Don’t you think it makes sense to try everything you can to stop these seizures from killing you? It’s just a surgery, not voodoo or ritual sacrifice.”   
  
He continued to chew at his lip, not answering for a long time. “I don’t know,” he finally said.   
  
Which basically meant ‘yes,’ he was just too Snyder Stubborn to admit it. She shook her head. “If it were someone else in your position, what would you tell them to do?”   
  
He half-heartedly glared. “I wouldn’t tell them to do anything. It’s their decision, not mine.”   
  
_Touché,_  she almost smiled. Instead, she tried another tactic. “Do you think I don’t know about you and my grandson?”   
  
Noah coughed loudly, choking on his surprise. “What?”   
  
She waved a hand, rather ineffectually now that she thought about it. “I don’t know the details, of course, nor do I want to,” she stressed, somewhat relishing how shocked and embarrassed he looked. “But I know there’s something going on with you two. I’m not feeble-minded, Mr. Mayer.”   
  
“Never thought you were,” he murmured, seemingly without even realizing it.   
  
She smiled genuinely now. “Regardless, Noah,” she said his name softer, “I can tell there’s something there. Because Luke... Luke has been driven, and motivated, and excited about life in a way I haven’t seen since he was in high school. He’s pushing himself, and I know the reason is you.”   
  
He gave nothing away, but she could tell he was listening, trying to figure out where she was going with this. “I’m just trying to help,” his argument was weakening, as was his resolve. She could feel it. “I just want him to be happy.”   
  
“I think he is happy,” she confided. “I think he’s truly realizing his potential, and it’s because he knows you see it.”   
  
“So what’s your point?” his voice trembled just a little. Just enough to tell Lucinda it was working.   
  
She squeezed his hand gently. “Consider this  _me_  pushing  _you_ . For the very same reasons you’ve been helping Luke. Because I care. Because I think you can do more with your life than where you’re stuck at the moment. Because you have the opportunity to make a great change, and you deserve to.”   
  
“Luke doesn’t, he... we’re not-” Noah shook his head. “Luke and I aren’t together. He doesn’t want to be.”   
  
“This has nothing to do with some relationship status, young man,” she said mock-sternly. “You two are a force together. He may be too pig-headed to see it now,” she was relieved when Noah smiled a little at that, “but it’s true. And he knows it. I’m sure he does.” Lowering her voice, Lucinda leaned in closer. “But you’re not going to do this for Luke, Noah. You’re going to do this for you.”   
  
He was silent for a minute before finally saying, in such a small, soft voice, “I don’t want to be a failure.”   
  
“If anyone should be worried about that, it’s me,” another voice spoke from the suddenly open doorway.   
  
Lucinda eyed Reid as he entered the room, wondering how much he had overheard. His face, of course, gave nothing away. He barely glanced at her as he came to a stop next to his patient’s bed. “Let me do the surgery, Mr. Ma-” he stopped at Noah’s raised eyebrow. “Noah. I can do this. Let me do this.”   
  
Noah’s face went quickly, carefully, blank. “It’s not that I- I don’t...” He shook his head a little, so painfully unsure. Lucinda squeezed the hand she still held.   
  
“You’re going to die if I don’t,” Reid threw out. Noah started to speak, but Reid just rolled his eyes. “And don’t say ‘everyone dies’ or whatever philosophical crap you’ve been telling yourself. You’ll die sooner. The body isn’t mean to sustain seizures like yours. It’s going to wear you out. Permanently. Don’t be stupid about this.”   
  
“I’m good at being stupid,” Noah murmured.   
  
“Yes. You are,” Reid was quick to agree. “But this is one of those times you don’t have to be.”   
  
Noah’s eyes closed, thinking it all over. Lucinda kept her gaze on him, wondering what could possibly be going through his mind right now. Finally, he turned towards Reid’s direction again. “You promise, right? That you can do it?”   
  
“Noah,” Reid lowered his voice, shockingly calm yet still exasperated. “I like being right. And I almost always am. So why would I say I can do this if it wasn’t true? Listen to every goddamn person around you, for once.”   
  
Lucinda unconsciously bristled at the words, but Noah gave a small smile, a short exhale that was almost a laugh. “Yeah. I guess that’s true.”   
  
Reid allowed himself to smile slightly too before growing stern again. “Is that ‘yeah’ a yes?”   
  
Noah swallowed hard, and Lucinda could feel his hand tremble ever so slightly in hers. But, slowly, determinedly, he nodded his head. “Yes. When do we-”   
  
“Tomorrow,” his voice sounded almost gentle even though he was interrupting yet again. “I scheduled the surgery two days ago.” He sent a short, giving-nothing-away nod to Lucinda and made his exit without another word.   
  
Instead of worrying about  _that,_  she kept her focus on Noah, watching as he went back to biting his lip nervously. “You made the right decision,” she offered up and hoped it was the truth.   
  
He nodded absentmindedly. “I guess.” Then he turned to her, smiling painfully. “Guess it’s all over tomorrow, one way or another, huh?”   
  
She didn’t really have an answer, so she held his hand instead. One way or another, indeed.


	5. Five

He woke up to a hand on his shoulder. It could’ve been anybody, sure, but there was something... the thumb pressed to his collar bone, rubbing lightly. Reassuring. Questioning, too. He knew who it was.  
  
Turning his head slowly, he purposefully kept his eyes closed. “Luke?”  
  
The hand stilled. “Hey,” he heard softly.   
  
“What are you doing here?” he tried to keep as much inflection out of his voice as he could. And was probably not successful.  
  
“Casey,” Luke answered simply. Noah gave a short nod, somehow not surprised, and his cheek brushed against Luke’s hand. Which was promptly removed. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to-”  
  
“To touch me?” Noah finished for him bitterly.  
  
“To  _wake_  you,” Luke corrected. Even quieter, “I like touching you, Noah.”  
  
“Do you?” Noah was tired and cranky and nervous and hungry. Which made him more cranky. He wasn’t up for another round of... of Luke.   
  
“Yes,” the answer was firm. Not quiet, not tentative. “I do. I love it.” Steady. Sure. This sounded like the Luke he had started to fall for.  
  
Still, he held his breath, his composure. Eyes still closed. “Luke, I can’t- I don’t know what’s going to happen with this surgery. And I can’t deal with this push and pull between us. You like me, but don’t want to be with me. Fine. But I don’t want to hear it now, not right before I... It’s stupid and selfish, maybe, but-”  
  
“I love you,” that steady voice said next.  
  
There was no breathing after that. Not for a little while, anyway. “Luke?” was all he could think of to say.  
  
“I mean, I think I do,” Luke continued. “And if I don’t now, I know I will soon. Because every single damn day since I’ve met you, you’ve made me want to love you. You’ve made me want a lot of things. And I,” he moved his hand down to Noah’s wrist, hand, fingers, their palms sliding in place. “I want you.”  
  
“I want you too,” Noah wasn't sure what else to think.  
  
There was the sound of a chair being pulled closer, and then Luke’s other hand was in his hair, skimming through once, twice, lightly. “I know. I really know.” He tightened his grip on Noah’s hand. “I’m so sorry, Noah, I was an idiot. And stupid. And I... You were right about me. I need to fix some things.”  
  
“What does that mean?” he tried to sit up a little, but Luke steadied him, kept him still.   
  
“It means, all that stuff you’ve been saying about me? My life? It’s true. And I think I’m really finally ready to do some of the things  _I_  want to do.”  
  
“You mean... what do you mean?” Noah frowned, concerned. “Your job, and Damian and all that, right? And-”  
  
Luckily (probably), Luke cut him off. “Let’s not talk about it now, okay? Right now, I just want to be here, right here, with you.” He cupped the side of Noah’s face. “Talk to me.”  
  
"I'm sorry too," he said. "I was trying too hard to, I don't know, fix things for you, when really I just wanted you to be with me. I should've said that. I should've just told you how I felt and not been so-" he smirked. "So 'Mr. Miyagi' about everything."  
  
Luke laughed. "Okay. But don't talk to me about me. Talk to me about you."  
  
Noah’s free hand twitched. He wanted to find his watch, figure out what time it was. “I’m going in soon, aren’t I?”  
  
He actually felt Luke’s nod, somehow. “We have a little bit of time.” His index finger traced Noah’s expertly. “Tell me what you’re feeling.”  
  
He opened his mouth, then shut it. He didn’t know how to do this. “I- I don’t...”  
  
“Tell me what you’d want  _me_  to say if the situation were reversed,” Luke tried again.  
  
“I love you,” Noah admitted softly.  
  
He wasn’t really expecting Luke’s laugh, but it was there just the same- beautiful, full. “I already said that one,” he half-teased. “Try again.” Noah could hear the smile, but hear the insistence behind it too.  
  
“I’m scared,” he finally said it. It had been in his brain since Lucinda had left. “Really scared.” He was unconsciously tightening his own grip on Luke’s hand, and tried to relax it. He couldn’t. “I don’t even think I was this scared after my dad tried to...” he offered a smile in Luke’s direction. “You know he was going to kill me too? That was the plan, that’s what he told the cops later.”  
  
“Fuck,” he heard Luke curse quietly, quieter than Noah really thought he could be.  
  
It made it easier for Noah to keep the smile in place. “He wanted a straight son or no son at all. I had, um, nightmares for weeks after that.” He shook his head. “I’m more scared now. How is that possible?”  
  
“There’s a lot riding on this,” Luke suggested. “For you,” he added quickly. “Not for me. I’m going to be here no matter what happens, you understand me?”  
  
“Yeah?” Noah didn’t let his voice crack. But it wanted to.  
  
“Yeah,” Luke confirmed, squeezing his hand, the other still at Noah’s face.  
  
“Then I guess there’s not so much riding on this for me, either,” Noah said softly. He felt Luke’s smile. Felt it everywhere. But he was still shocked when lips brushed against his. By the time he remembered to kiss back, they were gone. “If you’ll be here...”  
  
“I will be,” Luke promised. He held Noah’s hand with both of his now, playing with their fingers linked together. “It’s okay to be scared, you know.”  
  
“I don’t like it,” he grumbled.  
  
“You don’t like it being out of your own control,” Luke pointed out gently.  
  
Noah just shrugged. “Probably,” he mumbled.  
  
Luke laughed a little. “Now you know how you’ve made me feel these past few weeks,” he only half-teased. “I think I’m my most brave and most terrified around you, you know.”  
  
“Me?” Noah shook his head, would have said more, but he felt Luke tap at his fingers in a way that seemed, to Noah, playful.  _God,_  he wished he could see what their hands looked like together. It was the first time Noah admitted, even to himself, that he didn’t want to be blind.  
  
“You,” Luke confirmed. “You, I don’t know, get me to see the world in a way I didn’t think I was supposed to anymore.” Luke gave a dry laugh, lifting Noah’s hand up further to kiss it lightly. “At the risk of sounding stupidly cheesy, I just want to help you see it too.”  
  
A flash of memory, unwanted and stupid, hit Noah’s brain. When he first woke up from the accident, all the lawyers and social workers and church volunteers who wanted to help ‘fix’ him... doing their duty... “Luke? I, I don’t want you to be here because you think you have to be. Like you have some obligation. You don’t owe me anyth-”  
  
Luke was getting really good at shutting him up. Also, really good at kissing him. This time, Noah remembered to respond, meeting his lips and the sure movement of his tongue, to the point of almost forgetting what he had been saying.  
  
Which, probably, was Luke’s intention. “I owe you so much, Noah. And you’re kind of a dumbass when it comes to this,” his voice was soft, gentle, close enough to his ear that Noah could tell he was still leaning in. “I’m not here out of pity or just to satisfy my own needs or whatever. I’m here for  _us._ ”  
  
Noah wanted to believe him, and apparently his body already did, as his hands were both gripping whatever part of Luke was closest, holding on tightly. “If anything happens in there, if I don’t... if I’m not-”  
  
“It’s going to be okay,” Luke cut in, still gentle but steady. Resolute. As if he dared anyone in the universe to disagree with him.  
  
“If it’s not,” apparently Noah’s pragmatism was stupid enough to try. “I need you to know, I love you too.” He echoed Luke’s words with an added, “I think.”  
  
There was a sudden sound of movement, and the mattress of the bed dipped down at his side. Instinctively, he slid over a little, and couldn’t help a smile from appearing as he felt Luke’s body arrange itself next to his. “Then I’m not worried at all,” he replied, snaking an arm around Noah’s shoulders, holding him close.  
  
“Liar,” Noah murmured, his head coming to rest on Luke’s shoulder.   
  
“A little,” he admitted. “I’m scared too. I want you to be okay. And I don’t mean,” he paused, his hand coming up to trail through Noah’s hair again. Noah let himself lean more into the touch, listening. Not thinking about the clock ticking its seconds away on the wall. “I don’t mean ‘okay’ as in blind or seeing. I just want you to be  _you_  when you wake up.”  
  
“If something goes wrong in surgery,” Noah swallowed hard. “I don’t want this to be the last time I know you.” He laid his own hand flat on Luke’s chest, feeling for his heartbeat.   
  
“It won’t be,” Luke vowed, his chin or cheek or some part of his face now resting against the top of Noah’s head. “You’ll wake up, and get to see how stupid my haircut looks right now. And you’ll see I really do wear stripes all the time. And... and you’ll get to watch Blu-Ray DVDs- we’ll start with the Pixar movies- and I can take you to the farm and teach you how to ride, and-”  
  
He heard the door open, somehow even more ominous in its quiet  _whoosh_  of air than if the hinges had creaked. (Which, he had to admit, he had anticipated hearing.) The heartbeat under his fingertips started beating faster. “Luke?” he lifted his head, bit his lip.  
  
“Noah,” it was Alison who answered, not Luke. She had requested to be Noah's nurse, the two of them having had a long talk that morning about Casey, about Luke, about life's disappointments and everything between. Ali hadn't wanted Noah to feel responsible for her and Casey's breakup, and Noah hadn't wanted his friendship with Ali to change because of it. She promised she'd be around for the surgery, which could only mean... “It’s time, honey.”  
  
And suddenly he froze. He couldn’t get himself to move. He wanted to stay right here where it was comfortable and safe and he knew what to do and he had Luke next to him. Why the hell would he want to change this? Why risk...  
  
He felt Luke shift a little, and then two hands were framing his face, getting his attention. “It’s going to be okay,” Luke whispered, then kissed him lightly. Noah was more than a little shocked, enough to overcome some of his fear. In front of Alison? With the door open? What if-  
  
“Coast is clear,” somehow, Ali must’ve been able to read his mind. “I promise.” She sounded like she was smiling.   
  
Noah wondered what her smile looked like. He also kinda wondered how Ethan and Nat looked while running around the barn playing, what Emma’s pies looked like. Casey’s probably-horrible dancing. The way (he was sure) Holden and Lily still looked at each other. Luke’s... everything.  
  
“Okay,” he finally said, hating how small his voice sounded, even though it was completely how he felt. He pushed himself up, allowing Luke to help him off the bed, into the wheelchair. As soon as he was settled he reached a hand out, and Luke’s hand was already there waiting to grasp it. “Okay,” he said again.  
  
Luke kissed the top of his head, resting his lips there for a moment. “I’ll be right out here, the entire time. I promise. Seriously, the nurses are going to get  _sick_  of me.”  
  
He smiled a little, starting to feel shaky. “And you- you promise, right? We’re going to do all that stuff once I’m better?”  
  
“Definitely.” The chair started to move, Alison or Luke or both of them pushing it out of the room. “We’ll do all of it.”  
  
“And more.” Noah, for some reason, for the first time in his life, had to keep talking. He had to. “Promise me, okay? We’ll, I don’t know, go miniature golfing. I’ve never done that before.”  
  
“Okay,” Luke sounded like he wanted to laugh and cry. “And we’ll go to the farmer’s market, you’d like that. Get stuff for you to cook.”  
  
“I’ll teach you how,” Noah vowed.   
  
Luke’s answering chuckle was rough. “And we’ll watch tons and tons of movies. Every movie ever made ever. Every movie you’ve missed. All your favorites.”  
  
“I’m gonna make you watch the classics,” Noah tried to keep up the bravado.   
  
“I’m going to make you read the classics,” Luke fired back. “We’re starting with  The Iliad  and working our way from there.”  
  
“And we’re starting with  _The Great Train Robbery,_ ” Noah’s voice didn’t wobble, it didn’t. How long were these goddamn hallways?  
  
“ The Great Gatsby .” Luke’s hand tightened around his.  
  
“ _Vertigo_ .”  
  
“ Gone With the Wind .”  
  
“ _Gone With the Wind_ ,” Noah echoed, smiling a little genuinely now.  
  
“God, you two are already annoyingly cute,” Ali murmured.  
  
And then they stopped moving. Noah actually, physically, gulped. Like a cartoon. If he wasn’t suddenly terrified, he’d be amused. “So we’re, um, here?”  
  
“Yeah,” Ali answered. Luke was silent. “I’ll take you in here to the pre-op room and get you settled, we’ll start the anesthesia. You’ll... you’ll probably be asleep before we even wheel you out of here. Next time you wake up, you’ll be-”  
  
“Yeah.” Noah tugged on Luke’s hand until he felt Luke come around to stand in front of him. “Hey,” he said quietly, until he could sense Luke leaning in close. “Look, I really want the chance to love you, okay? So I’m gonna try not to let anything bad happen now.”  
  
He felt a brush of air across his face as if Luke was trying to laugh again. “And I’m a brat, aren’t I? I always get what I want. I want you to be okay. So it’s a done deal.”   
  
Fingers traced his jaw, as though trying to memorize it. Noah couldn’t help but reach up and do the same. “Deal.”  
  
And then Luke was stepping away, and Ali was pushing him into the pre-op room. “I’ll see you soon,” Luke’s voice reached him from farther away.  
  
Noah tried to come up with the perfect thing to say, but all that he could think of, as the door started to close behind him, was “Same here.”  
  
***  
  
 _-there were... complications in surgery-  
  
-blood vessel broke at one of the points of incision-  
  
-lost a lot of blood-  
  
-pressure dropped so quickly-  
  
-we did all we could, now it’s up to him-  
  
-no idea when he will wake up-  
  
-we won’t know the extent of damage until he-_  
  
Luke head was too heavy for the rest of his body. He was forced to rest it down on the table in the hospital break room, where the lovely, wonderful, sent-from-God nurses had let him hang out and get some coffee. Now he just sat, forehead pressed into the tabletop.  
  
The words Reid and Ali had used to describe Noah’s surgery were rattling around in his brain, knocking at the sides of his head, sticking in their claws. He couldn’t get them out. Noah was lying in a bed in post-op right now. In a coma. And they didn’t know when ( _not_  if) he was going to wake up.  
  
The door opened and someone entered, but Luke was too tired to see who it was. At this point, he and his grandmother owned almost half the damn hospital, it wasn’t like anyone could kick him out. Or even get him to move his head.  
  
“You’re still here.”  
  
Except maybe Reid. Luke pushed himself to sit up in his chair. But all he could do was nod. He was so fucking tired.  
  
“For Noah.”  
  
Another nod. Too tired to lie, to hedge any words.  
  
Reid sat down at the table. Across from him, not next to him. “He’s going to be fine. I didn’t screw anything up. Complications happen, doesn’t mean he won’t be fine.”  
  
“I wanted to blame you,” Luke said, like that was a sensible reply.   
  
Reid shook his head. “I wasn’t going to let a patient die just because he slept with my boyfriend,” he snapped.   
  
Luke stared. For maybe a full minute. He could hear the clock ticking above his head, the coffee pot dripping behind him. Everything else was quiet and perfectly still. “You knew?”  
  
Reid was angry, resigned, but not all that surprised. “Noah decided to confess his sins before going under anesthesia. As though that would affect the outcome of the surgery or something,” he shook his head. “We talked, he apologized. Profusely. He didn’t say you two slept together, just that he had feelings for you and had acted on them. I inferred the rest.”  
  
“You always have been too smart for your own good,” Luke murmured, clasping his hands together in front of him.  
  
“Unfortunately, yes that’s true,” Reid was calm, which Luke guessed was a good thing. “How long have you two been going around behind my back?”  
  
“We haven’t...” he sighed. “Okay. Last week. But it wasn’t planned. It was never purposeful. I know that’s not much of an excuse, and I’m a piece of shit boyfriend, but it just, it just happened between us.”  
  
“You’re right. It’s not an excuse,” Reid pushed himself away from the table, going to stand by the coffee maker. He poured himself a cup, slowly and methodically.   
  
“I didn’t plan on sleeping with him. And I hated myself afterwards, I still do. I am so, so sorry.”  
  
“Are you?” Reid narrowed his eyes. “Do you regret it?”  
  
Luke bit his lip, trying to find the right words. “I regret cheating on you. I regret not talking to you, I regret letting the problems I had with our relationship fester for so long, not settling things with both of you before Noah and I did anything. But, God I’m sorry, but I don’t regret Noah.”  
  
Reid didn’t yell. He didn’t snap, he didn’t berate him or cut him to tiny pieces with words. He just stood there. “Once this case is done, once my patient is in recovery and has no more need of my medical services, I’m going back to Dallas.”  
  
“Y-you are?”   
  
“I’m going back to Dallas,” Reid repeated. “I’m not asking you to come with me this time. I don’t think I want you to.”  
  
It stung, but it was way less than he deserved. “Okay.”  
  
Reid was still studying him. “Would you come, if I did ask?” There was no hopefulness in his tone, no expectation, and so Luke felt comfortable answering with the full truth.  
  
“No. I wouldn’t.”  
  
He nodded. “Didn’t think so. I don’t know if I ever thought you would, to be honest. Were we ever more than superficial boyfriends, Luke?”  
  
"What does that mean?" he couldn't get himself to take offense.  
  
Reid didn't shrug. He never did. He was always set. "I'm not going to change who I am, Luke. It's never been my belief that a relationship should change me. I don't want to change, I'm fine how I am. But you," he shook his head, even chuckled a little. "You still have that fairy tale idea of being in love. That it does change everything and make everything better. And you haven't changed since you've been with me, not really."  
  
"It's not a fairy tale," Luke defended. "It's just a different way of looking at everything."   
  
"And that pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?" Reid left his half-empty coffee cup at the table and headed to the door, not looking back. “I don’t want to wish you any sort of luck, and I feel like you two? In this town? You’re going to need it.”  
  
And then he was out the door. Possibly, out of Luke’s life.   
  
Luke kept his eyes on the place where Reid had been standing. He was so damn numb at this point, he didn’t know how he felt. Should he feel relieved? Sad? Angry at himself, or at Reid, or Noah, or God, or what-the-fuck-ever people got mad at nowadays? He didn’t know.  
  
He just wanted Noah to wake up.  
  
***  
  
It was Day Three of waiting. All the nurses and attendings and random family members all assured him that there was no need to worry yet, that it could be awhile, that Noah’s scans continued to show improvement, that there was every indication Noah would still be ‘Noah’ when ( _not_  if) he woke up...   
  
It wasn’t enough for him.  
  
There were way too many things that could go wrong, and Luke had watched way too many medical dramas in his lifetime to not imagine worst case scenarios. Amnesia, split personality,  _no_  personality, he could still be blind, he could still have seizures, he could stop wanting to be in love with Luke, he could-  
  
“Luke?” a voice- one he hadn’t heard in awhile- broke through his rambling thoughts.  
  
He lifted his head and stared. “Maddie?”  
  
She stood in front of him, smiling sadly. “Hey, stranger.”  
  
“What... what are you doing here? In Oakdale? In the hospital?” he stuttered as she sat down beside him.  
  
“Well, partly here for you, and partly here for this big oaf,” she nodded to the side as Casey plopped down in the seat next to her.  
  
Luke kept staring, especially when Casey’s arm went around her and their fingers linked at her shoulder. “You and the big oaf? When did this happen?”  
  
Casey glared at his nickname, yet somehow smiled at the same time. “It’s why Ali and I broke up, man.”  
  
“What? Why?” Luke was running on caffeine and crackers and fumes. He wasn’t processing new facts too well.  
  
Casey shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. “I wasn’t in love with Ali. It’s always been Maddie for me. I didn’t want to, you know, admit that because I thought she was better off without me. Or had moved on.”  
  
“The big oaf didn’t realize I was just waiting for him to come to his senses,” she grinned at the way he ducked his head, then turned to Luke, her face going somber. “Any news?”  
  
He shook his head. She put her other arm around him, hugging him close. “I’m happy for you two,” he whispered into her shoulder.  
  
Her arm tightened around him. “Thanks, hon.” He felt Casey shift in closer until it was almost a group hug, as Maddie continued. “Don’t worry. I didn’t come all this way just for that. I want to meet the guy that knocked some sense into Casey.”  
  
He realized then, that’s what Noah and Casey must’ve talked about. Noah got Casey to admit he still loved Maddie.  _God._  
  
Maddie confirmed it a second later. “Besides to see how pretty he is. I want him to wake up so I can thank him.”  
  
“Me too.” He leaned more into her arms. Maybe, this could get him through to Day Four.  
  
***  
  
It wasn’t like in the movies. Or all those medical dramas. It wasn’t a miraculous, Disneyfied, his-hand-twitches-once-then-his-eyes-ope n-and-they-smile-at-each-other emergence from a coma. It took  _days._  
  
Noah’s blood pressure and heart rate were “hovering at normal,” according to the nurses. His hands and legs started shifting, like someone coming out of a restless sleep. Then, a few times, his eyes would stir, fluttering open, giving Luke just a tease of blue, then would shut again and he’d be back asleep.  
  
At least it was being called ‘sleep’ now. Luke had to admit that felt better than saying ‘Nope, Noah’s still in a coma! Thanks for asking!’ anytime someone came to him for an update. Now he was sleeping. Recuperating. Luke liked the sound of that a lot better.  
  
He woke up the morning of Day Six feeling frustratingly exhausted. His eyelids were heavy, his hair had been product-free for days, his clothes were wrinkled. Noah was still asleep.  
  
So, not a good start to the day.  
  
Or so he thought. He twisted and turned in his chair, stretching his back muscles slowly, and the second he was facing the bed he froze. Noah’s eyes were open, fuzzy, turned in his direction.  
  
“Noah?” he whispered, scooting his chair in close. “Hey, hey. You with me, Mayer?” he cautiously, gently, laid his hand on top of Noah’s head, smoothing down his bedhead, avoiding the sutures.   
  
Noah peered at him, hazy. Not saying anything. For a second, Luke panicked. Something was wrong, Noah wasn’t himself, Noah was- But then he realized, Noah was swallowing hard, uselessly, his lips dry and cracked.   
  
“God, I’m an idiot, hold on,” he used his free hand to bring a cup of water around, holding the straw to Noah’s lips. “Small sips.”  
  
Noah obeyed, closing his eyes to concentrate, and Luke fought the panic-  _no, keep them open_ \- until Noah was done, leaning back into his pillow, slowly opening his eyes again. “Hi,” he whispered.  
  
His face was sore, stretching muscles he hadn’t used in six days into a smile. “Hi yourself.”  
  
He held still as Noah’s eyes, glazed over and bleary, slowly moved in his direction again. He didn’t dare ask. He couldn’t. Then... Noah smiled. “I don’t think your haircut looks stupid.”  
  
Luke stared. Noah stared back, still smiling. Stared  _at him._  “You can... your eyes? They work?” he asked dumbly.  
  
“I was right,” Noah’s voice was still pitched low, rough. “You’re really kinda beautiful.”  
  
Noah could see him. Noah was Noah. And Luke was- “Oh thank God,” he leaned in just as Noah tilted his chin up, and they shared a starved, almost necessary kiss. His fingers had just curled into Noah’s hair when he pulled back, frowning. “Wait. Kinda?”  
  
Noah laughed. “More than kinda,” he amended, his own hand reaching out, even more tentative than Luke’s had been. Luke kept himself still again, as Noah’s hand touched his hair, his forehead, traced down his cheek to his chin, brushed across his lips. “Way more than kinda.”  
  
“Sweet talker,” Luke choked out, trying to hide every damn emotion flying through him. His chest was tight with it, with all of it.   
  
Noah just shook his head, still smiling. “I can’t believe you’re...” he narrowed his eyes a little, searching. “Everything’s still kinda fuzzy though.”  
  
“They said that’s to be expected,” Luke assured. “Give your eyes some time to adjust, some physical therapy, and you should regain pretty much everything. For right now, just be happy with shapes and colors.”  
  
“Just seeing shapes and colors is stupid,” he grumbled.  
  
Luke grinned. He couldn’t help it; he didn’t care. “Give it time,” he said again. Softer, “We’ve got all the time we want.”  
  
Noah lightly gripped the front of his shirt, pulled him in for another kiss, then stopped suddenly. “Reid-”  
  
“Isn’t an issue. Trust me.” Luke got up from his chair, nudging Noah over a little, mindful of the wires and tubes and everything attached, and arranged himself on the tiny bed with him. Noah watched his every move, like he was addicted to it, distracted enough from asking more questions.   
  
“Whoa,” Noah said instead, just as he was settling around Luke’s side.   
  
“What?” Luke paused, his arm hovering just above Noah’s shoulders. He followed Noah’s gaze to the mirror across the room from them. Noah was staring at his own reflection. Luke couldn’t help but smirk. “Narcissist.”  
  
Noah half-pouted, rolled his eyes without taking them away from the mirror. “Last time I saw myself was three years ago, Luke. I was eighteen, skinny and awkward and...” he shook his head again. “This is all kinda surreal.” And, before Luke could respond with anything, he tilted his head up to Luke again, shy smile back in place. “We look good together.”  
  
At that moment, Luke should’ve been cautioning Noah to rest his eyes, not strain them too much too soon. He should’ve been getting a nurse or doctor into the room to examine Noah. He should’ve been calling Casey or his parents or someone to spread the good news.   
  
Instead he pulled Noah back gently against his chest, rested his chin on Noah’s shoulder, and watched them both in the mirror across from them. Kissed his hair, smiled when Noah’s hands came up to wind through his. “Yeah. We do.”  
  
***  
  
 _Two weeks later..._  
  
Luke finished toweling off his hair and left the bathroom, only to find the bedroom empty and quiet. With a sigh, he tossed the towel away (then quickly picked it back up and hung it in its proper place by the door), and marched into the living room.  
  
There he was, sitting on the couch in rapt attention, childlike wonder, watching...  _Toy Story 3_ . He wanted to ‘aww’ and sigh again in equal measure. He settled for crossing his arms, tapping one foot on the floor in his best Emma Snyder impression.  
  
“Noah? I love you, but if you don’t turn that TV off and rest your eyes, then I will find very painful ways to punish you,” he warned.  
  
Noah didn’t pout, didn’t protest, just looked up at him with that silly, goofy grin. “Say that again.”  
  
He loved that those eyes actually connected with his now. He still hadn’t gotten used to it. It was still always a shock to the system. “Very painful ways-” he started to repeat.  
  
“No,” the smile turned sweeter. “Say the first part.”  
  
Luke was confused for less than a second. Then he sighed, sliding down onto the couch, sliding down onto Noah’s lap. He shook his head, even as arms went around him securely, holding him close. “Don’t think,” he slid his hands up that stomach, chest, shoulders, to loop around the back of Noah’s neck, “that you can always be this cute and just get away with shit.”  
  
Noah was pouting now, but Luke refused-  _refused_ \- to give in. “But I have so many movies to get caught up on,” he went back to their original argument. “Please? Just one more tonight?”  
  
“I think  _Curious Case of Benjamin Button_  can wait another day,” Luke chided. “And what the hell kind of order are these movies in, anyway?” He didn’t give Noah a chance to answer, pulling him forward for a quick, hard kiss. “We have a long day tomorrow. Let’s go to bed.”  
  
“You can’t boss me around in my own apartment,” Noah was really trying hard to keep up the pout, Luke gave him credit for that. Unfortunately for Noah, it just made him look adorable. Not formidable.   
  
“I thought we decided you like it when I take charge?” He smirked at Noah’s blush, then carded his fingers through Noah’s hair, wishing it was long enough to twist the strands around playfully. “The movie can wait,” he said. Firmly, “But now? Come to bed.”  
  
A second, maybe just a second of hesitation, then Noah smiled and nodded. “Okay.”  
  
He nodded back.  _I win._  “Okay.” He stood, reaching out a hand, pulling Noah to his feet. For good measure he grabbed him by the hips and shoved gently towards the bedroom, wanting to keep Noah in his sights at all times.  _I so win._  
  
“I’m going, I’m going,” Noah grumbled, though a smile was on his face the whole time.   
  
Luke had one too. He couldn’t seem to get rid of it. He left the door to the bedroom open slightly after they walked in, so light from the hall could seep in when they turned off the bedside lamp. He never said anything, and Noah never said anything, but maybe neither of them were okay with complete darkness.   
  
He did, however, start talking the second they were both settled into bed. “You are okay about tomorrow, right? It won’t be too much?”  
  
Noah kissed his cheek with a loud smack. “Maybe I like ‘too much.’”  
  
Luke let one hand drift down Noah’s chest to his stomach, sneakily slipping beneath his t-shirt. No one’s skin should be that warm. That perfect. “Baby, this is  _Snyder_  ‘too much,’ though. This is a family barbeque. Like, to the max. Plus my mom and Lucinda? Your first time seeing a lot of them since the surgery, and definitely the first time seeing them as my boyfriend, I just-”  
  
Noah nuzzled- actually fucking nuzzled, who for real did that?- into the side of his face and neck. “You keep calling me your boyfriend and I’ll go anywhere with you.”  
  
His heart stuttered. His lip might have actually quivered a little. He blinked hard. “What if I want to go to Chuck E. Cheese?”  
  
“Then we’re breaking up,” Noah said immediately, his own hands wandering now. Luke’s pajama pants were sliding down his hips, Noah’s hand at the small of his back. Still so warm.  
  
“Fine,” Luke used his best put-upon sigh, pulling Noah in close, wrapping one arm, then the other, around his shoulders. “I guess I can sacrifice Chuck E. Cheese for you.”  
  
Noah couldn’t help a chuck from escaping, his chest vibrating it into Luke’s. “Yeah, that’s love right there.”  
  
Only, it kinda was. They kissed slowly, leisurely, nothing to prove or deny or ignore. Just them.  
  
“Is it weird?” Luke asked as they settled back again onto the pillow (sharing one), side by side. “Seeing people you already know for the first time? Putting faces to voices?”  
  
“Honestly? Yeah,” Noah tilted his head so their foreheads touched. “It’s like re-meeting everyone in my life. And nobody really looks how I pictured them. Except for Lucinda,” he added quickly, completely serious. “Though part of me was surprised she’s not ten feet tall.”   
  
Luke barely managed to keep a straight face. “But you’re okay? Dealing?”  
  
“Yeah,” Noah breathed out. “I really think I am.” He paused, then, “I can’t believe Mason wears a scarf in the summer.”  
  
He snorted. “He can have his scarf. He doesn’t get you.”  
  
“No,  _you_  get me,” Noah grinned. They were quiet again for a few minutes, listening to the apartment’s silence, the faint hum of music from Casey’s apartment next door. “Your mom and dad are gonna get back together,” he said quietly.  
  
“You think so?” Luke wasn’t even shocked by it.  
  
“Yep,” Noah inched his way a little closer. “They love each other.”  
  
So simple. He looked so sure of himself, Luke couldn’t help but tease him. He couldn’t help but love him either, but teasing came first. Luke inched his way closer too. “Maybe.”   
  
“Maybe?” Noah craned his neck for a second, affronted. “I’m right.”  
  
“Oh, baby,” Luke patted his cheek, kissed his forehead. “You’re so cute when you think you’re being wise.”  
  
Noah grabbed his hand, held it away from his face. “Hey!” he mock-glared, “I’m right.”  
  
“Sure, sure,” he said airily, “You’re still recovering, so I’ll humor you.”  
  
Noah narrowed his eyes, but instead of grabbing at Luke, cutting him off with some intense, fireworks-worthy kiss, he touched Luke’s chin, tilted his face just so, and kissed him softly. So full of love that Luke felt it coat his skin, beat in time with his blood. Everywhere.   
  
“I was right about something else, too,” Noah smirked a little at Luke’s dazed expression, rolled him gently, almost reverently, onto his back.   
  
“What’s that?” Luke was busy wriggling out of his pants, letting them tangle around his feet, reaching for the waistband of Noah’s sweats.  
  
He stilled at that hand on his face again. Noah was tracing his features, like he had when he first woke up from surgery, like he had when he was blind. Luke would never,  _ever_ , hate this touch.  
  
Ever.  
  
Then he remembered Noah had, at one point, been saying something. “What are you right about?”  
  
He wasn’t smirking anymore, or teasing. Instead, Noah looked at him so sincerely, so genuinely, Luke was surprised he didn’t just die right there. “My movie. I got my happy ending. You said it wouldn’t happen in real life, but it did.”  
  
Luke closed his eyes, he had to. “Noah, I...” he opened them again. Noah was looking at him, watching him, seeing every single bit of him outside and inside and there was love in his eyes for all of it. “I’m so fucking glad I was wrong.”  
  
And, like Noah’s movie, they all lived happily ever after. The end. Roll credits.


End file.
